Windy Sydney

Everything is Terrible is the perfect website for people like me who love to laugh at the television shows, advertisements, and pop culture of the past.

Here are some of my favorites.

Introducing Slim Suit!



Can you imagine I am losing weight just by talking on the phone??

No, sadly I can't.

The '80s were full of public service announcements fighting the war on drugs. Sometimes these were longer television spots made to look like a teen television show. Usually hosted by a blond California surfer type (picture Zach Morris ala Saved By the Bell) that wanted to "rap" with his friends about a serious issue we should all be aware of. Especially since Everyone's on Cocaine:



Anyone but me feel sorry for the lab rat? Poor little thing! He didn't choose to be hooked up to cocaine! Stupid humans and their stupid problems. We don't need to test cocaine on lab rats to know that it's something they will crave once they try it... thats why it's a problem... duh.

I also love the Jesus factor at the end of the clip. Turning to Jesus makes everything better. Go read your bible or you will become addicted to crack and die a filthy prostitute.

The 80's (and the 90's, frankly) were full of people who were convinced that once we reached the year 2000 something miraculous would happen. This lady thought the year 2001 would be extra special:



Man living in peace? Sounds nice.

Intelligent beings coming down to earth and teaching us things? Um... sure. I'm not saying it couldn't happen... but... well... it didn't. Did it? ;)

This is another clip of Uriel. She isn't wearing futuristic garb this time... she looks like a cross between Mary Poppins and Captain Hook.



She is interesting. I will have to look into her strange world of the future another day. I would love to know if she believed her own bullshit or if she knew it was all bunk and was out to make a quick buck.

Here we have a clip from a Christian television program for kids...

Why is it that people always associate kids with puppets? Puppets always scared the living crap out of me. Except the muppets and fraggle rock. Those were quality puppets. I'm talking about the ones that have that evil presence in their eyes. The ones that look like they are following you and staring you down so they can hypnotize you and make you murder your parents in their sleep. Yeah... those puppets are a little too "iffy" for a kids show if you ask me. If you are trying to sell something to a child (basically the parents of that child) you don't want them to burst into tears and scream in horror at the sight of your commercial. Nope. Not the result you are looking for...



This quote left on the youtube page says it all...

Trundel: "Ah, I think I understand Mr. Quigley, obeying is doing something you're told to do".

Mr. Q: "Very Good Trundel, and there are a lot of ways to obey."

Trundel: "Like obeying your parents?"

Mr. Q: "Or someone else who loves you...like me, and my pedophilic tendencies."

So true. So true.

Recycling wasn't a new concept, but this ad makes me laugh for all the right reasons... Bette Midler, I love you.



Don't mess with Bette. She can get nasty. She said so herself.

Know what I hate? Watching a television commercial that makes me cry. I hate that. I know the company is trying to make an emotional connection to the viewer in hopes that they associate them with everything that is good and lovely, but I don't want to cry over a McDonald's commercial. I just don't.



That nice old man was so sweet. If that were an honest ad, however, they would be showing the angry customers demanding things faster and screaming at the old man (and other employees). They would be showing the snot-nosed kids that were making fun of him for one reason or another. That girl that was training him was so over the top as she looked on as the old man fulfilled a customer's order that she could easily pass as a Disney Princess character in the parks...

Phone sex.

How old is phone sex? Not sure... but this classic 80's ad for a sexy singles 1-900 number is absolutely cringe-worthy.



The color of that lady's lipstick makes me giggle. Another YouTube comment I love?

Sweet car-phone!

So true.

People used to leave cheesy answering machine messages all the time. Not so much anymore...



I totally remember that commercial... hahaha... Wait. For-the beep.

Till next time!

Andee

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I think I just made up a word.

Retromercial.

I like it.

Here are some ancient infomercials for your entertainment. Some of these are hilarious...



Did you see the size of that thing? No, not his penis. The size of the microwave behind the doting housewife in the kitchen. It was HUGE!

The housewife looked like Mrs. Duggar, too. You know... the lady who has 8 million kids?



Okay, I don't know a person alive who could make that big of a mess with a hand-held mixer. Did you see that bullshit? Really?

Well... if even a child can use it... and hey... free rubber spatula!



Good God those people love donuts.

The look in that lady's eyes as she takes a big bite of donut gets me every time.

The loving head-nod at 57 seconds in is also classic infomercial behavior. "Gee, honey. Our life is so much simpler now that we have the Donut Express!"



When I first saw this infomercial, I thought, "Why the *uck didn't I think of that????"

Seriously. It doesn't take a genius to think of this. Someone is a millionaire and it isn't me! :(

Edited to add Micro-Crisp!!

Holy Cow!

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Last night I was browsing through YouTube looking for those amazing infomercial clips and I came upon what I refer to as childhood GOLD.

Better than gold.

Platinum.

I was pretty much a child of the 80's. I wore florescent colors, bright sunglasses, I watched shows like "Small Wonder" and "Rainbow Brite."





I thought I would take a trip down memory lane and visit some of the clips and commercials of my childhood. Being a kid was so much fun.

First, we have Princess Lip Gloss Lockets. I never had a Princess Lip Gloss Locket, but that was because my parents thought I was too young to be wearing "makeup." I use quotations there because I believe that if you scientifically studied the contents of Princess Lip Gloss Lockets you would probably find an ingredient in there that would kill you.



Mr. Mouth. My neighbor had this and we broke it... I love the tag line:

"He just can't keep his big mouth shut!"

Connect Four is still one of my favorite games. I wont apologize for this. I refuse. It's fun.



Showbiz Pizza!

I celebrated many a birthday at Showbiz Pizza. The older I got, the creepier the "band" got...



New Kids on the Block. Who is their number one fan?

I AM!!



Santa brought me a Lite Brite when I was a kid. I think I lost every single one of those little colored plastic thingies that you punched into the board. One time, I remember hearing my Dad say something like, "If I step on another one of these....!!!"

Yeah.



Next, we have My Buddy and Kid Sister.

I didn't have one of these either, but before even watching the retro commercial I easily recalled the music and lyrics to both commercials. Can you?

Don't cheat. God doesn't like cheaters.



Teddy Ruxpin.

I don't think I need to say any more... do I?



I had every one of these glasses... and that is an amazing feat for someone who lived an hour away from the closest McDonald's... not kidding... I lived in the boonies. No traffic lights. I still have no idea how I pulled off the collection... and I don't remember what happened to the glasses, either. I assume they are broken shards of glass sitting in a landfill in western Utah. How sad.



I didn't recognize this next commercial until the very end, but this is another example of a jingle I will remember forever...



Not The Mama!!

If you don't know what I am talking about, you have never seen the television show "Dinosaurs" that was a part of ABC's TGIF lineup... right after Family Matters if I am not mistaken.

Damn, I watched a lot of television.





Perfect Strangers. A classic.



There are a million other commercials I wanted to add, but this post has already been too long. Maybe one of these days I will blog about more of them.

Until then, I will leave you with this:



If My Two Dads were on the air today, people would automatically assume that the Dads were romantically involved with each other. Conservatives would be freaking out that "the gays" were starring in their own television show marketed for kids. Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck would be losing their minds. It's sad, but true.

Sweet Jesus, I hate Bill O'Reilly.

Andee

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Anyone around my age is very familiar with the game Pac Man. I recall spending hours pouring quarters into this game at my local hangout, and I was pretty damn good if I do say so myself...

Anyway, this is freaking HILARIOUS!!! Sorry the video is larger than the screen size... not sure how to go about fixing that. If you knew what a perfectionist I am, you would understand how much that bothers me. :) The fact that I am leaving it up anyway should show how awesome the video is...

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Here are some lovely examples of sexism from the advertising past. I posted these a loooooong time ago, so some of you are seeing them for the second time.

Hope you enjoy it!

Now, here are some ads that are just plain creepy...

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Too good not to share.

Remember those ancient cookbooks your parents had hidden away into some far-off corner of your kitchen? The ones that were so covered in grease and flecks of God-knows-what that you were somewhat afraid to touch them? This website shares these cookbooks with humorous commentary and photos.

I wonder... how did they expect us to eat that?

Here is a small sampling of the website, check it out! My first pick comes from Knudsen Dairy copywrited in 1958. I am not claiming I wrote the stuff, drew the pictures, or had anything funny or amusing to say. All credit goes to:

The Gallery of Regrettable Food.



Surprising words from a milk retailer, eh? It’s typical of the copy, which has that earnest, scientific tone common to the era. It’s as if you have a civic duty to drink milk, and a moral obligation to use the fruits of Western Science:

“Every Knudsen plant represents the ultimate in efficiency and cleanliness. Only the most modern dairy processing equipment is used, and each processing operating is performed by skilled personally under the direction of highly-specialized supervision.” Thereby proving that the imporance of milk can, in fact, be over-emphasized.

Here’s something to think about: that boy is now in his mid fifties. Providing he drank his milk! Otherwise he's probably dead.


Okay, here we go. It’s “Mashed Potato Surprise.” The recipe calls for a special kind of mushrooms: canned mushrooms. Which you feed to the dog. The trick is get him to throw up right in the middle of the mashed potatoes.


I’ve been doing this since 1996, and I’m still stunned at some of the things I see. Meatballs in Pink Sauce. Good Lord. It’s the diluted chili sauce that gives the dish its regrettable hue, I think. If you really wanted to freak people out, you’d serve a whipped Jell-O with an identical color for dessert.

Below the Pink Balls (is that what Tomboys get when they’re frustrated?) you’ll find Chopped-Off Alien Fetus Pods, and that all-American favorite, Unnaturally Bright Spaghetti with Half-Digested Gut Chunks. Dig in!


Criminey. Man. Okay, up top we have another entry in the interminable Fun with Molds series, this being “Cottage Cheese – Cranberry Salad.” This dish is useful only if a guest has a sudden attack of hemorroids, and needs to lower himself into something that sooths and cools. Otherwise, skip it. Below, “Tahiti Pear Salad” with cream cheese dressing. Or meatball sauce! It’s up to you. And finally, “Frosted Lime-Walnut,” which applies a layer of foam insulation atop a bed of celery-flecked gelatin. The item is shown here as it always appeared at the end of every party: one piece removed, probably by the hostess, and the rest of the dish untouched.


Got some of that pink-ball sauce left over? Toss in some weenies!

So you’re asking: what is it with this creamery and the color red? The recipe describes the thing in the lower left-hand corner as “cheese onion balls,” and while I don’t doubt that, I have to wonder about the red stuff: “Chipped beef,'"says the book. Damn - that’s some red beef.

Next, we have The 10 PM Cookery!

First of all, the guys want liquor. They want a pistachio cordial that matches their ties, matches the coffee cups, and matches the salad and the relish. AVOCADO GREEN, the rutting stags demand.

To remind them they're men, make sure to embed a batch of wriggling, erect weiners in a sea of beans.

According to the illustration above, it was not unusual in the 50s for a party to include a friend who lacked a body. No one seems to notice, of course; why, it's Ten PM.

But what are the kids doing? Read on.

Knox On-Camera Recipes


Imagine you're hungover. Deeply hungover. Someone presents you with this - and shakes the plate so it wiggles. Frankly, it already looks like someone heaved into a mold and stuck the result in the fridge. But that's Gel-Cookery!

Here the food seems trapped in a shiny force-field, the individual items looking with sad envy at the olives and tomatoes relaxing outside the hated Invisible Barrier. This dish takes a little more time, because it requires constant Simonizing prior to consumption. But that's Gel-Cookery!

BLECH!

Andee

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I am not sure I want to know what they are implying here... really?  For a garbage disposal? -Found at Kitchen Retro

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I published this shot of battleship back in December of 2007, but with my latest fascination about old ads I thought I would dust it off and share it again.  Can you believe this?

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Some of these you love, some of these you hate... and some of them just make you cringe and laugh your ass off.  These ads are from Plan 49.  If you have never been to that website, you should check it out.  Not only to they have old ads like this, they also have an area where you can buy prints... Hope you like it.

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