Windy Sydney

My online pal has contacted the records people in Salt Lake City:

UPDATE -

I just got off the phone with the COB. The two people I spoke with were very kind and helpful. They said that no, there was no second letter needed. All they needed at this point was to get a form back from this Bishop and that was the end of it.

On a humorous note - when you call the COB it is automated. It's like " if you are a priesthood holder with a problem, press 1.' "if you are a priesthood holder who needs disciplinary paperwork press 2. " "If you are not a priesthood holder press 5."

That's me, a 5.

There you have it folks, looks like I am a 5 as well...

Andee

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This thing is amazing; it's versatile, durable, aerodynamic, tightly packed... in fact the one thing this book is not, is readable, unless you're itching for a headache from the poor grammar and bad syntax (blame it on "the third grade education" of the man who supposedly penned it).

I'll save you the time reading it; Synopsis: it's just a really bad story about a mythical race of people who used steel (before it was invented), rode horses in america (before the spaniards reintroduced horses to the Americas) and planted and harvested crops that have yet to be found. These mythical people sailed over to central america between 588BC and 570BC on a ship (this was after a race of people sailed over from somewhere else on... wait for it... submarines, but they killed each other off); they established a race of two peoples, one "white and delightsome" and another "dark and loathsome" (Yes that does mean what you think it means) and fought and killed each other yada yada yada. That's about it. If anyone knows what a Curelom and Cumom is please let me, and the Smithsonian, know.

I have a few of these books. I'm sacrificing these things for free. All in all since this book was brought into my life I've probably lost close to 20 thousand dollars, blame it on my parents who had the misfortune of converting back in the 40's.Forget all that though, it's not important.

What's important is what I'm losing by GIVING these books away. My piano probably won't sit straight ever again and I'll have to break down and find a 2X4 to throw under that one corner where the wheel broke off. My sofa will have lost the only thing that keeps the cushion from caving in and I'll probably have to throw my sofa away and buy a new one (chalk another 1,000 to the total of what this book has cost me). What am I going to throw at my cats when they start getting goofy? And the hours of fun my kids have had playing indoor "book fights" by throwing the books at each other while hiding behind the sofa and the expensive TV? They'll be sacrificing so much.

Here's what you'll get.

The perfect addition to any handymans tool box **see note at bottom.If the mormon missionaries stop by your door, besides NOT letting them in (these guys are harder to get rid of than herpes) simply show them the book and say, "no thanks, guys. I got mine already." If that doesn't get them to leave (expect questions like, "oh, what did you think of it?") then may I suggest stripping naked. You'll get the perfect projectile to throw at cats, children, dogs, spouses, and neighbors. I've thrown mine at multiple people and pets multiple times with minimal damage to the book, except to the corners, but c'mon, it's not like you're gonna read it. Survival tool? Fuggidaboutit. With this book in your survival kit you'll never have to worry about kindling again. **See note at bottom.

You'll also get an amazing grouping of some of the most homoerotic pictures ever produced by one of the most homo-hating religious groups IN AMERICA!! Forget Ted Haggard. Seriously, folks. These guys may as well have "repressed homosexual" tattooed on their asses as a part of entrance into the church. Check out the guy's sword sheath on page 293ish, um... hello? If that doesn't look like a gargantuan schlong I don't know what does. And what's with all the phallic-like spears pointing up his romanesque skirt thing?

It's also important to note that the people who lived in the Americas "long" before, 600 BC to 421 AD to be precise, Columbus or the Vikings showed up here were WHITE! Yes! It's so exciting isn't it? Sure there were some "dark skinned" "lazy" people, but they were cursed with that skin of darkness because of their "laziness," so who gives a shit about them.

If you feel inclined to read the book and after you do you feel something akin to a "burning" sensation in your bosom, do yourself a favor and drink some antacid or get your damn cat off your bosom, or YOU TOO can pay 10% of your gross earnings to a cult that worships a man who preyed on 15 year old girls and married men's wives after he sent them (the men) on missions across the country, AND also stole thousands of dollars from his membership to establish a banking system in Kirtland OH that failed so ABYSMALLY that he was run out of the state; as well as an entire slew of other miscreant activities. Also, if you do join (or are currently a member) and feel justified in buying the bullshit fed to you by the current membership you can kiss your friends good bye BUT be prepared to wade through copious amounts of testimonial bullshit.

Brother Chuck Mai Gnuts had this to say about the writer of the Book of Mormon, "oh, he was just a man it's not his fault he ###### a 15 year old, everybody was doing it back then," (concerning the founder who claimed to have done more for mankind that Jesus... and did I mention he talked to an angel in the forest when he was 14, but didn't actually pen the event until he was in his late 20's... or later... or not at all?).

Little Johnny Smacker said this at the pulpit about the Book of Mormon, "I know this is true with ever fiber of my BEING!"

You'll be fed a line of religious BS that stretches from here to Kolob (this is where God/Elohim resides... I think it's somewhere near Uranus) Seriously, anyone who believes this shit need a brain enema.

Don't call those numbers on TV for this perfect addition to your household. Sure, they say it's "FREE" but when the mormons show up on your door step with your "free gift" you better be prepared to do one of two things; either slam the door in their face or drop your drawers and grab ankle; it might feel good for a little while, but sooner or later the thrusting is gonna get old and start to chaff. Speaking of which, it's also the perfect addition to any BDSM's tool box (I have no personal experience with this, but I can use my imagination).

I have a box FULL of these things, some are even older editions that still have the original, "white and delightsome" wording in them, instead of the more recent change, "pure and delightsome." Also the older editions still proclaim this mythical race of "nephites and lamanites" as the principle ancestors of the American Indians, whoa... it's like DNA never existed. The newer edition no longer does, sorry to say.

Email me, serious inquiries only. I will probably not contact you, so please don't feel bad if you don't hear anything. I expect these books to fly, literally FLY out of my house. If you're one of the unlucky ones who doesn't get one but you REALLY want one of these books you can ask the two young guys walking along the street in 90 degree weather... IN THEIR SUITS, or riding their bikes in the snow... IN THEIR SUITS for a copy. If you are currently Mormon DO NOT email me, I don't care what you have to say or how you have to say it, you may #### off and leave me and my family the #### alone.

**Book is not intended to be used as hammer, it's a book, not a hammer, if you need a hammer, I suggest using a hammer.

**Book is not intended to be thrown at wild animals, it will NOT kill them, nor will it do anything other than piss them off and cause them to disembowel and eat you.

1. And it came to pass that I, TANSTAAFL, having been born of Mormon parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; which included the Book of Mormon, and having seen many afflictions and cognitive dissonance in the course of my days because of the fact that I was raised in the Mormon religion and having read the Book of Mormon nigh unto twenty times, nevertheless, yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mischievousness of Loki, therefore I make a book review of the Book of Moron.

2. Yea, I make a record of my review in the language of English, and not Reformed Egyptian - the language of the Book of Mormon, because everyone knoweth that no one speaks Reformed Egyptian anyway. Behold, I make an abridgment of the review upon computer which I have made with mine own hands; (the review, not the computer) wherefore, after I have abridged the review then will I make an account of mine own review and if thou findest this sentence difficult for your understandings to comprehend then thou wilt not enjoy reading the Book of Mormon, for I make the record of my review in the idiom of the book of Mormon author. Yea, verily, it came to pass that more confusing than Yoda-speak it is.

3. And it came to pass that thus were written the first two paragraphs of my review. And I know that the review which I write true; and I make it with mine own computer; and I make it according to my knowledge. And thus passeth away even the third paragraph also.

4. And it came to pass that my review having been limited to 1000 words by the amazon.com web-site, I realized that my choice of writing style, that being the style inflicted upon the reader by Joseph Smith Jr., Author and Proprietor of the Book of Mormon, was not a good choice for one limited to a small number of words, or for that matter an odd choice for the inhabitants of the ancient Americas who supposedly had to inscribe the lengthy and frequently rambling and meaningless prose on gold plates where space was at a premium.

5. And it came to pass that this part of the review, yea even the middlest part, I shall shew unto you the parts of the review that review the book of which I revieweth. And it came to pass that I chose not to detail in this review the thousands of revisions which the Mormons made to the book after Joseph Smith wrote it, which was supposedly perfectly "translated" by a gift from god, or the many anachronisms which the author included, yea not even the horses that the ancient Americans supposedly had despite the fact that the horse arrived with Columbus nor the steel weapons. Nor even shall I comment upon 54 chapters dealing with wars that bear no resemblance to the actual wars that took place in the ancient Americas, yea and I especially shall not comment upon the accounts of wars with nonsensical accounts of million man armies fighting to the last man and their bones and steel weapons disappearing from the face of the earth. Yea, and it followeth that I also chose not to comment on the many plagiarisms and yea, even plagiarisms of mistranslations, which were included in the book. Yea, verily I chose not to comment on the writing or the story of the book, which Mark Twain called "chloroform in print," especially since I find that remark highly disparaging to chloroform. For it came to pass in the commencement of my preparation for the writing of the review, I realized that a review of the book which pointed out its flaws would be so long, yea, so long as to be longer than the book itself. Yea, and thus passeth away even the middlest part of the review, the longest paragraph, even though it merely toucheth upon the thousands of give-aways as to the fraudulent nature of the book. For yea, this review cannot contain even a millionth part of what was so poorly written in the Book of Mormon.

6. And it came to pass that I decided that my review of the book should mention, before concluding, a list of some of the main themes of the Book of Mormon, and yea I verily mention them thusly: (1) Killing is good, if thou art a teenager and thou hearest voices in thine head telling thee to kill someone, preferably someone drunk so they cannot fight back. 1 Nephi 4 (2) If thou disobeyest God, he will curse thee with a dark skin, 3 Nephi 5:21, Jacob 3:5, Alma 3:6, but (3) If thou art a personage of dark skin, God will make thee white and delightsome, if thou wilt consent to join his church. 3 Nephi 3:15 (4) After Jesus, yea even Christ Our Lord, was killed, he camest to the Americas and killed millions of Native Americans, 3 Nephi 8-9, and (5) Women art completely insignificant except occasionally as breeding stock, passim.

7. And there are many things more which transpired in the Book of Mormon which, in the eyes of some, would be considered great and marvelous, but despite having read the book upwards of twenty times, I cannot remember even one.

8. Thus, I make an end to my abridgement of my review, yea, and now I bid unto all, adieu. I soon go to rest in the paradise of mine abode, until my spirit and body shall again recover from the taxing effort of writing in such a nauseating style. Amen.

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Someone took the time to write out a letter for my online pal to send to her bishop. I liked it so much, I had to share it.

If anyone ever has trouble getting their bishop to act on their resignation letter, this little letter might just do the trick. It's fantastic!!

February 13, 2009

Via Certified Mail

[Bishop Asshat]

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

[address]

[address]

Re: Resignation of [insert name here] from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

[First name of bishop]:

As you know, I sent a letter to the Membership Records Division of the church over three months ago resigning my membership in the church and requesting that my name be removed from its records. In that letter, I made it clear that (i) I understand the consequences of name removal, (ii) I will not be dissuaded from my decision to remove my name from church membership, (iii) I waive the 30-day rescission period provided for in the 2006 Church Handbook of Instructions (“CHI”), and (iv) I requested no contact from the church or any agent or representative thereof other than a letter confirming that my request had been proceed and granted.

Although the letter referenced above is both legally sufficient to resign membership in the church and explicit in its instructions, you came uninvited to my home some three months after the date of my letter for the purpose of harassing me and attempting to hinder my voluntary disaffiliation with the church by making me start the process again with additional requirements. Your visit and the additional requests you made were both unnecessary to this process and contrary to church policy and the law. My original letter satisfied all of the requirements set forth in pages 148-149 of the CHI and waived the 30 day rescission period. The CHI states, “if a member demands immediate name removal . . . the stake president submits the completed Report of Administrative Action form . . . . The person’s name is then removed from membership of the church.” (CHI, p. 149) Why didn't that happen in my case? Also, “requests for name removal should be acted on promptly as outlined above. The Report of Administrative Action form and all supporting documentation should be submitted in a timely manner.” (Id.) Again, why have you not promptly processed my request? If you have questions about this process, I suggest that you contact Greg Dodge in membership records at 801.240.2053 or the Office of General Counsel at 801.240.6301.

In addition to not following church policy, your actions betray a misunderstanding of the legal framework governing our relationship. Once I sent my letter to the church requesting immediate removal of my name from the church’s records, I was, as of that day, no longer a member of the church. As noted by the Oklahoma Supreme Court in Guinn v. Church of Christ of Collinsville, 775 P.2d 776 (OK 1989), “implicit in the right to choose freely one’s own form of worship is the right of unhindered and unimpeded withdrawal from the chosen form of worship” (emphasis added). In other words, under the First Amendment, my membership in the church ceased three months ago and all that remains is for the church to finish its internal paperwork and confirm to me in writing that it has done so. Your visit was both a hindrance and an impediment to that process as is your inexcusable delay in processing my request.

You may not think that the legal pronouncements of the Oklahoma Supreme Court apply in our state, but remember they were interpreting the federal constitution, which applies to all of us. In addition, the church implicitly acknowledged the correctness of the principles underlying the Guinn ruling when it quickly settled out of court with Norman Hancock in 1985 after he sued them for $18 million for treating him as a member over which they had authority after the date of his resignation request. Your presumption of authority over me and your efforts last night repeat the same mistakes. We have had no religious tie or relationship since the date of my original resignation letter. Guinn is illustrative of this point in that it instructs the trial court on remand to apply the law of invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress to the “elders” of Guinn’s former church as if they were “any other secular individual.”

During your uninvited, invasive and abusive visit to my home yesterday evening, you added five additional conditions for me to meet before you will process my pending resignation request, namely (i) that I write you personally another letter stating that I know what I’m doing by asking to resign my membership in the church, (ii) I wait for you to pass that letter on to the stake president, (iii) once the stake president has the letter, I wait for another 30 days, (iv) I sign an additional form that you said you would have to bring by for me to sign and (v) that I accept a Book of Mormon from you accompanied by a personal letter in which you promised to state that you hope I live to regret my decision (I shall surely treasure this!). In addition to being an inspiring example of Christian charity, your handling of this situation violates church policy and the law, not to mention the 11^th Article of Faith in which you profess believe. I have copied both the Office of General Counsel and the Membership Records Division so they can teach you how to handle resignations in the future without exposing yourself and the church to legal liability.

You will process my prior resignation request immediately as instructed, with no waiting period or further requests. Three months is far more than it should take to process a simple administrative action. I will not be writing you or anyone else any other letter, signing any other document or conversing with you or any other agent of the church for any reason. You are not permitted to come to my home and your presence on my property in the future will be as a trespasser. As I stated in my initial request, the only contact I will accept from the church or anyone acting in a church capacity is a letter confirming that my resignation request has been processed and honored. If that confirmation is not received in the very near future, or if I am subjected to any further harassment, I will have to take further action to enforce my rights.

Sincerely,

[signature]

cc: Membership Records Division

Office of General Counsel

[stake president]

Brilliant!!!

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An online buddy of mine was just visited by her local bishop. She had sent in her resignation letter during election time, and she has waited patiently for her request to be honored. She did receive the normal, "This is an ecclesiastical matter..." but then nothing.

She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Then, out of the blue, her bishop knocks on her door. She was surprised to see him, his visit was totally unexpected (is there any other way for a Mormon to knock on your door other than that?) and she opened the door to see what he wanted.

Bishop Asshat greeted the friend, and went on to state that she needed to sign some paperwork in order for him to process her resignation. Here is what happened next in her words (used with her permission):

It's the Bishop and he says he needs me to sign a form for my resignation.

Only he doesn't, he just wants to go round and round about the church and how I can't possibly know what I'm doing by resigning or I wouldn't be doing it.

He was being a douchebag and I did finally pull the plug on the conversation saying this really isnt going to go anywhere but maybe I could drop in on him during homework time when his house was a mess and he hadn't had time to collect his thoughts and we could discuss it further.

SO - he says to resign I now have to 1) write him a personal letter stating specifically that I know what I'm doing. 2) He sends it to the Stake President. 3) Stake President sits on it for 30 days. 4) There's some bullshit form that he will have to bring by for me to sign personally. Oh and he added a 5) which was to accept a BOM from him with a personal letter to me and how he hopes I'll live to regret this action.

Now I'm breaking out in hives, imploding, sitting on the floor, shaking, hyperventalating, etc. My husband is out of town, I've got two small children who need to get their homework done, Valentines finished, put to bed, etc.

Jesus Christ! This ####### ####### church. I only wish they made converts jump through half the ####### hoops to join the ####### thing. Gah! I have no Xanax and I don't even live by any other exmos!

Help.

What an unbelievably arrogant thing to do.

This is a quote from a PostMormon source for resigning from the Mormon Church...

The bishop (or someone else) says ...:

I HAVE TO WRITE A NEW LETTER OR I NEED TO 'SIGN SOMETHING'

• WRONG. If you've sent a resignation letter that states that it is your formal resignation from the church, and that it was effective immediately, you do NOT need to sign anything else and you don't need to write a new letter. You do NOT need to agree to any interviews and you don't have to accept phone calls or visits to your home. YOU are in control now, THEY have no power or authority over you, they are just guys who belong to a church you USED to belong to. If a baptist or JW came to your door and said you NEED to talk to them, would you feel you have to agree to that? NOT. Same thing applies here. These guys are no longer YOUR leaders or anything. Don't accept any phone calls, visits or invitations unless YOU want to. It's YOUR choice, not THEIRS. They are going to keep acting like they have some power or authority over you as long as you allow them to. Please don't do that, or they'll try the same thing with the next person who resigns. Please be assertive, be courageous and take a stand.

This is so out of line I can't even see straight!

He has the nerve to tell her she has to write him a letter? Hello!!!! She already did!

As soon as someone signs a resignation letter, they are legally out of the church. If he doesn't honor her request she should really contact a lawyer and the media. They have no right to behave this way.

I would call Church headquarters and let them know that his a-hole is making up things as he is going along. Mentioning the press will really get them moving. They are in a public relations nightmare as it is.

Andee

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Mom and I went to a couple stores today to price some baking stuff that I want to buy. We ended up making a quick stop at Wal-Mart to pick up some items.

I hate Wal-Mart.

Wait... I detest it. I loathe it.

The annoyances start immediately as you pull into the parking lot. Carts. Everywhere. Sometimes it looks as if there might be a really nice parking spot, but as you pull closer you notice a cart that would make a nice dent in your bumper if you attempted it.

Walking into Wal-Mart I always say hello to the greeter. Why? Because my own Grandma, whom I love dearly, worked as a greeter for Wal-Mart for a couple years. They made her a greeter because she was a senior citizen, and once they realized she was capable of harder work they moved her to another position. I like the Wal-Mart greeters, because they actually acknowledge your existence. Cherish this moment, because it won't happen again.

I immediately noticed a rather large Valentine's Day display with flowers, chocolates, teddy-bears and millions of other things that were red, white or pink with hearts on them. The flowers were these beautiful red tulips with white tips, and as you might remember (or not), tulips are my favorite flower. I quickly take a quick snapshot of the tulips and move on before anyone saw me.

We went over to gather some Valentine's Day cards and chocolates for my Mom's valentine, and as we were marching to the other side of the store for groceries, we saw a kitchen rug that would would look great in my mom's kitchen. It would match perfectly. We both kind of giggled and thought, "What are the chances we would find something we liked at Wally-World? haha!" Then, I decided to take a quick snapshot of the rug so my brother or I could get it for her for Mother's day. I took a total of two quick shots of a RUG, and this lady folding t-shirts in the mens' section said:

"Ladies! If they catch you taking pictures in Wal-Mart they will take away your camera!"

I would love to fucking see them try.

This is so stupid. Their customer service sucks ass. Did I hurt anyone by taking a photo of a damn rug? Nope. I wasn't even taking photos of other people. Just. A. God. Damned. Rug.

I hate Wal-Mart.

Andee

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A friend of mine on PostMormon.org shared these articles of faith he wrote for himself. I rather enjoyed his point of view. My personal articles of faith would be slightly different, so I will spend some time tonight revising them for myself...

1) We believe all religions to be the work of evil men, used to coerce, manipulate and control people and no matter how altruistic their beginnings ultimately decay into greed, power and control.

2) We believe in living in a home free of religious thinking and in encouraging an environment where our children learn to think for themselves.

3) We believe in establishing boundaries that ensure our own right to privacy, our own belief system as individuals and grant that same right to all others.

4) We believe that man makes mistakes which aid his process of learning and that making mistakes is a vital and necessary part of life.

5) We believe that religious indoctrination is brainwashing and no child should be subjected to it until they are of legal age.

6) We Believe that the practice of "Bearing your Testimony" is a form of brainwashing.

7) We believe that guilt is used as a tool of manipulation and control.

8) We believe that God is no respector of persons and values all people equally regardless of gender, race, religion, age, sexual orientation, etc.

9) We believe that God grants no authority or priesthood to man and that man needs no intercessor between him and God.

10) We believe that all topics are acceptable and worthy of discussion but in doing so all people and viewpoints must be respected. Disagreements are allowed and encouraged, and cannot be refuted using faith based claims. ("God said so" is not a valid argument)

11) We believe in living a life of integrity, first to ourselves and then to all others.

12) We believe that many religions teach good things but no religion provides ultimate truth and to live our lives based on the "truths" of such religions diminishes our own lives.

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I have been steaming over this in my head for the last hour or so, and I just need to write it out and get it out of my system. I have probably written stuff like this a million times, but I have to do it again...

I don't care if you believe that a marriage consists of a man and woman only. It's your right to feel that way. You believe what you want. Just don't force your beliefs on me or the rest of the world.

How would gay marriage or civil unions change YOUR life? It wouldn't.

It won't turn your kids gay.
It won't stop you from practicing your religion.
It won't stop you from living how you want to live.

Why then, do you have the right to tell other people how to live?

If you don't believe that ALL men and women are created equal, it's not my problem.

It's YOUR problem!

Andee

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Late last night I was happily surprised when I read an article stating that Utah's Governor, Jon Huntsman, is in support of civil unions.

I remember taking a deep breath and thanking him silently for speaking out and being brave. Consider his position for just a moment...

He is the leader of one of the most conservative states in the union. The people who elected him are probably pissed as hell right now, and he could have easily kept his opinion to himself and caused himself less grief.

Instead, he stood up for something he believed in. I applaud him for it.

Well, as you can imagine, many members of the LDS Church and other conservatives are outraged. A woman and her children walked into the state capitol this morning with signs stating how angry they were that Huntsman was against their idea of what a family should be. I only caught the tail end of the television interview, but she said something like, "We are here to represent the children..."

I lost it.

Whose children are you representing, lady? What a freaking moron.

I still have a hard time understanding why so many people in this world are stuck on this issue. Equality is an easy concept. Isn't it?

Andee

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I have always had a hard time with the way my Mormon friends and family assume I have something I need to confess, and that is the reason I left the church. They are assuming the worst of me just because I don't buy into the scam anymore.

For the record, as I have stated a million times before, I am a good person. I don't even drink or smoke. What exactly is it that they think I need to confess to? I am really curious. Maybe they think I am sleeping around with random men, or sleeping with my roommate. Maybe they think I am gay (nothing wrong with that, but it's not true... nor is it something anyone should feel they have to 'confess' and repent for).

If I *did* do something wrong, the last place in the world I would go to would be the office of a Mormon bishop. Here's why...

These men have no training. They don't take classes or receive counseling on how to handle extreme situations. They rely solely on their spiritual promptings from a make-believe Holy Ghost. Sometimes protecting their priesthood holders is more important than any justice an abused person might receive.

A couple weeks ago I read an account of a young woman who went to her bishop for help regarding sexual abuse. Her brother would go into her room at night and subject her to unspeakable things by force. Her bishop told her to forgive and forget, and the police were never contacted.

Why in the world should anyone confess anything to a person who feels they have the right to rule the guilt or innocence of a person just on their feelings alone?

Imagine for a moment that a man was called to be bishop for his ward. He was a golden boy his entire life. Eagle scout, mission, marriage in the temple. He prayed, paid, and obeyed. He didn't exactly struggle with extreme situations in his lifetime. He always had money, food, and a place to live.

Now, imagine someone who needed to confess something to this man. Maybe they felt guilty for something as simple as not paying a full tithe, or not following the word of wisdom. Maybe they fell in love with a non-member. Does this bishop have enough personal experience with what this person is going through? Does the bishop understand what it's like to walk in their shoes? Probably not.

What this comes down to is this:

Bishops are just regular Joe's who happen to get called. One day they are your neighbor and friend, and the next day you are suddenly supposed to spill all your deepest and darkest secrets to them. It's crazy.

If I ever have anything to confess or repent for, I will talk to someone who can actually help and not just offer the advice of praying, reading scriptures, fasting, and forgiving.

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I ran across this list on Cracked.com that made me laugh out loud.

I have worked with the general public for all of my adult life. I have had so many experiences with the customers listed on this page, that it brought back memories from Disney and Universal in Orlando. I decided to take the list and share some personal stories that go along with it. Some stories are funny, some are sad, and some still piss me off. My explanations for these people are not the same as Cracked.com's, so to see what they had to say be sure to check out the article!

I think it's important to point out that I didn't take the photos and I borrowed them from the Cracked.com article.

So... here we have it:

8 Customers Everyone Hates

#8 The Stoner


Ahh, yes... I have had my experiences with stoners at work. You name it, I have seen it. Not just weed, but nearly every single substance out there that can change a person's personality and actions.

I was working at Universal Studios at a children's show when a group of intoxicated young teens decided to show up. I knew something was up with them because EVERYTHING anyone said or did was hilarious. They laughed and laughed... I had to even ask them to keep it down a couple times because they were ruining the show for families sitting close to them.

I don't really care if you get high or drunk, but don't impose your habits on the people around you. It's not safe, it's rude and it makes you look like a horse's ass. What you do in your own home is your business, but don't force people to babysit you because you want to have a little "fun."

#7 The Soapbox


This is the guy/gal who doesn't have anything better to do than to tell you their life story. Do I care if you hate the cop who pulled you over for going 30 miles over the speed limit? Nope.

The soapbox puts workers in a strange place. We can't be rude to the person spouting off their beliefs at the drop of a hat, because we would be fired instantly. Instead, we have to pretend to give a damn because the soapbox would jump at the chance to report us to our supervisors. They like to talk, and they looooove to complain.

I swear to God, there are only so many ways I can say, "Uh-huh" and "Oh, really?" before I want to start banging my head against my computer screen.

Right after the election I had a customer come into the store all pissed off because Obama won. He went on and on and on about how it was the "sign of the times" and that it was proof we were close to the 2nd coming of Christ. He even called Obama "Osama" which really pisses me off.

Soapbox people honestly believe that everyone in the world agrees with them, and that they are offering wisdom and logic to the rest of the world. It's ridiculous.

#6 The Anchor


This weirdo has to tell you about how they would run things if they were in charge of your work location. They say things like, "See... what you have here is an ineffective floorplan!"

Shut up.

If we have an ineffective floor plan I apologize, but what exactly do you want me to do about it? Do you want me to go into the back and hire an architect to re-design the entire place?

There are people in line behind this dweeb who have things to do and places to be. Instead of moving along we sit back and listen to a commentary of whats wrong with the world.

#7 The Micro manager


This person is an asshole.

They love to come into your work location and tell you what you are doing wrong, and how to fix it. They don't think twice about telling you how much they prefer going to your competition because they are so much better at your job than you are.

They are not shy about telling you that you are incompetent and stupid. They are condescending and arrogant.

They are the root of all evil.

I had one of these asshats at work the other day... He was using a self-checkout machine and he couldn't get his debit card to read on the machine. He started huffing and puffing and swearing... I didn't want to walk over and help him, but I had to. It's my job.

I explain that I could manually enter his card number in the system for him since the machine wasn't reading it. He looked right at me and said, "(Insert store name here)'s system is fucking ridiculous!" When I finally convinced him that I would need to assist him or he would be stuck there for the rest of the day, he literally tossed his card at me as if I was scum. When I looked on the back of his card to enter the three digit security code, I got my first glance of the magnetic strip on the back of the card. Well, I should say that I got a glimpse of the area that SHOULD have had the magnetic strip... it was so worn and old that it was rubbed off the card completely. It didn't end there... there was actually a crack in the card as if someone was trying to snap it in half.

Oh yes, Mr. Arrogant Bastard, it's *my* fault that you haven't found the time to get a replacement debit card.

Another time our computers had all crashed. That was a nightmare in and of itself because we had to hand-write all purchases and do all the math ourselves. It was time-consuming and a pain in the ass, but there was nothing I could do about it.

A lady came up to me to complain that she had been waiting too long to get any service. I apologized and explained the situation to her, and empathizing that I would be annoyed if I were in her shoes. She then told me she had to make a payment on her in-store credit card. There was no way for me to do that, and I again apologized.

I then came up with a solution. I would take her check and process the payment as soon as the system went back to normal, but I would need a couple witnesses to verify that I wasn't stealing her check. I also needed a manager to okay the plan because I didn't want to get into trouble. I made a quick phone call, got permission and went ahead with the plan.

She looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, "There you go... I am very proud of you" as if I were an infant trying to handle an adult situation.

Bitch!

#4 Cell Phone Shit-heads


When someone walks up to me at a check-out station while they are talking on their cell phone, I find it incredibly rude. What if I have to ask you some questions about your purchase? What if I need to explain something? I can't! Why? Because talking to your girlfriend about how Billy-Bob's new truck is much more important.

Oh sure, maybe you are on an important phone call. Maybe it's a life or death situation... but 99% of the time I overhear a part of the conversation that goes something like: "Hahahaha! Oh, My god! Hahahaha! How funny! Hahahah!"

*puke*

I am here to help you. Help me help you. Don't make my job a living Hell by ignoring me completely! I am a human being trying to do my job for Christ's sake!

Oh, and while I am on the subject, when someone politely asks you how you are doing, or tells you to have a good day, you should respond. We are not beneath you. Ugh.

#3 The Ticking-Time-Bomb

This person has some major issues.

This person will take out their daily frustrations on you in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. Something happened during their day that clearly ruined it, and they will take it out on you.

Anything... ANYTHING... will set the ticking-time-bomb off.

Regardless of what happened, the ticking-time-bomb is mad as Hell and isn't going to take it anymore.

When a person like this freaks out in front of employees and other customers, those people are honestly afraid of this time-bomb. They are too scared to jump in and stick up for the employee who is getting a verbal beating.

These people can be scary.

#2 The Procrastinator

This is the person who waits in a very long line and once they get to the front of the line they haven't made a decision on what they are going to order. This happens to me constantly when I am visiting fast food restaurants.

The other day roomie and I went to McDonald's for some breakfast. The line was a mile long, and everyone was starving. By the time the person in front of me reached the cash register, they could have easily studied the menu and had their order and payment ready to go. Did that happen? Of course not!

This chick gets up there and takes a long sigh and says, "Well... hmm... let's see here..." She then went on to ask the person behind the counter a million questions about what was on each breakfast sandwich, and if ordering something without cheese would be a problem.

Are you kidding me?

It's McDonald's for crying out loud. Has the breakfast menu changed since you have seen it last? You don't know what is on the McDonald's menu? It's not only impolite to the people waiting behind you, it makes you look like a moron.

Please don't be this person...

#1 The Dinosaur


I am not being mean.

Honest.

I have tons of respect for people who are older than me. I go out of my way to be polite to everyone, not because it's part of my job but because it's the right thing to do. That being said, I would love to bring up the subject of grumpy old people.

Grumpy old men are a pain in the ass.

Again, at self-checkout (my home at work lately) an older man walked up to me with a handful of items he needed to purchase. I am monitoring 4 different transactions on my screen making sure things are scanning correctly and being bagged so the machines don't freak out every 10 seconds. The section is clearly marked "Self Checkout."

This guy stared at me and said, "Well????" with a look of utter disgust on his face. I politely told him that the section we were in was pretty much self-service and he went into a mild freak out zone. Wait... not mild. It was worse than that.

So, when the other people were done with their purchases, I took his items and walked over to a self-checkout machine to do the work for him. That really pissed him off. What did he expect me to do? Close all the other machines, walk over to an empty terminal and cater to his ever whim? I *can't* do that. It's my job to watch self-checkout. Should I drop everything and forget about the people who want to use the machines? How fair is that?

He then gave me a huge monologue about how self-checkouts steal jobs from people, and that they were just for the kids. He even said that old people (he used that term) can't use 'em. He went on and on about customer service that existed back in the day, and how impersonal and rude self-checkouts were.

Let me get up on a soap-box for a moment (right after I complained about people getting on soapboxes... hahaha). Self-checkout machines don't take away jobs. They are simply a way for you to quickly check out if you have a few items so you don't have to wait in line behind people with giant piles of merchandise.

No one forces you to come to self-checkout. If you don't like them, and you refuse to use them, then why in the world would you choose that area of the store to make your purchase? WHY? Just get in line somewhere else.

It's an easy concept.

Andee

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