Windy Sydney

It's no secret that the past week has been hard as hell on me. I don't think I have cried this much since I lost my Dad, and I know the funeral tomorrow will be emotional and tough to handle. I wouldn't be anywhere else though, Taft was a really cool cousin and he is a huge part of my childhood memories. I don't think I could write anything that would do him justice.

This news has had me thinking (dangerous, I know)...

A long time ago, I shared a story about a little boy I met while working at Universal Studios Orlando. His name was Nathan, and he was dying of cancer. His trip to Orlando was a gift from the Make A Wish Foundation, and Nathan's wish was to meet Barney the Dinosaur.

On the day Nathan and his parents made their way to the Barney Show, I happened to be the opening employee. It was my job to greet the guests as they entered the small, indoor playground and give them any information they needed to attend the show. I was standing at the giant archway at the front of the attraction in front of a giant Barney water feature when I saw two adults and a child in a wheelchair approach me. It wasn't until I saw the button on Nathan's shirt that displayed the "Make A Wish Foundation" that I realized he was going to be an extra special guest.

Nathan's smile got bigger and bigger as he reached the water fountain. He saw pictures of Barney, BJ and Baby Bop all over the place and he was getting really excited to meet the purple dinosaur. I squatted down so I could look at Nathan on his eye level and introduced myself. I usually introduced myself to all the kids first, everyone got a kick out of that... especially because the area was themed for kids.

Nathan's smile was HUGE when I asked to shake his hand. He told me his wish was to meet Barney. That was really cool, because it was rare for us to get someone who planned their whole trip in order to see what we put our time and effort into each day. I immediately got tears in my eyes when I looked at his parents. They were happy, and sad. They knew this was his wish... but it was his final wish. That is something I can't even wrap my head around.

I told Nathan a little fib. I told him Barney was expecting him (we were not given a heads up, but sometimes that happens) and he was getting first class treatment for the show. He stood up and got out of his wheelchair in excitement. I took his hand and took him to the indoor playground and gave him a little tour of all the things he could do. Nathan was a sick little boy, but that morning he had tons of energy and excitement. He even ran and tripped over something and scared his Mom at one point. Nathan just smiled, waved that he was okay, and continued to jump on musical stepping stones and slide down the tree house slides.

I excused myself for a few moments and called my supervisor on the radio. I told her what was going on and got permission to pull off some fantastic things for Nathan and his family. This was all going to be a big surprise for him... and I was thrilled to be a part of putting a smile on his face and helping his parents make sure he had some fantastic memories.

I went to the Barney store and picked up a T-shirt, a Barney doll, BJ doll, Baby Bop doll. I also grabbed a Barney balloon and put it all on Universal's tab. I would have paid for it myself if I would have had to... believe me.

Pretty soon it was time to load all the guests in an area to get ready to see the show. I pulled Nathan and his parents off to the side and told them that when they got into the theater to look for me. I would be waving my hands wildly to get their attention because I would be saving their front row seat. Nathan was so excited, he jumped up and down and said, "Thank you!!!" over and over again.

When the theater doors opened for the guests, Nathan spotted me immediately and I escorted them to the best seats in the house. It was hard to notice Nathan was a sick little boy at this point. I don't think he sat in his chair the entire show... he was singing and dancing and clapping with the audience. At that moment, he was just a little boy having a good time... and everyone in the theater knew how precious that was.

Soon, the show was over, and Nathan and his family were picking up their things and getting ready to leave with the rest of the guests. I walked over to them and winked... I told them to hang out for a few minutes. I couldn't say more than that for fear another guest would overhear what was about to happen. All the employees (and Barney) wanted the moment to be personal and just for them... it was the right thing to do.

I walked the family over to a designated area after the rest of the guests had left the theater. That is when Barney, BJ and Baby Bop all snuck out of a hiding spot with all of the goodies we had picked out for him earlier. I told his Mom and Dad I would videotape everything for them, so they could just enjoy the moment.

Most kids are a little freaked out when three fuzzy life-size creatures are approaching them, but not this little boy! He started telling Barney and the other dinos stories and giving them tons of hugs. He even did a little dance with Baby Bop. It was the sweetest thing. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Not one. Except Nathan. Nathan was just having fun.

We gave Nathan front row seats for all 5 shows during the day. During the last show, he became my special helper and assisted me with getting people to their seats. He told the other kids that he was best friends with Barney and he was here to help for the day. It was fantastic.

Eventually, the day had to end. The employees had to go home and the park had to close for the day. We were sad to see our special helper go.

A few months later I received an email from Nathan's Mom. Nathan had passed away in his sleep after his battle with cancer, and he was buried in his Barney T-shirt and his dinosaur stuffed animals.

During the whole day Nathan thanked us a million times. When I look back, I should be thanking him. He taught me a lot about cherishing each and every moment of our lives.

The loss of my cousin, along with other family members and friends passing away, brought this story from my memory bank because I wish I could go back and give them all one last hug, give them one last smile, tell them I love them one more time... but I can't.

Leaving the Mormon Church has made me question everything I ever thought about heaven and being with our family and friends again after we die. Will they be up there waiting for us when it's our time? I don't know. Only one word pops in my mind to describe my feelings about that...

Hope.

Tomorrow I go to a funeral to celebrate the life of a young man who was taken too young. To say this isn't fair is an understatement. I am not talking about unfair to me... but unfair to him and his parents and his brother and sister. They are in pain and there isn't much I can do to help.

Please cherish your friends and family today. Give them hugs and tell them you love them... even if they don't like you or the decisions you have made. When it comes down to it, none of that matters in the end.

Andee

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I just got a message from an anonymous poster on my Book of Mormon Reviews article:

the cookies look good... the cats are cute... however i don't think this is funny. i used to think the book of mormon wasn't true... and i prayed for enlightenment... and received it... you may too. don't be angry.

Here is the deal, anonymous:

I am glad you think my cookies and cats look good.

You once considered that the Book of Mormon wasn't true, so you must be somewhat aware of the facts and historical inaccuracies in the so-called scripture. If you are claiming that I didn't pray and follow the normal "protocol" in saving a testimony, you are sadly mistaken.

Do you know how many people believe that they receive spiritual promptings that their individual church is true? How do you know that you are right in your feelings, but they are not right in their's? You don't. You are letting emotions guide you when the facts speak for themselves.

Leaving the church, and doing so with a sense of humor is hard. It's not something people do because they are lazy, sinners, or because they don't pray for this enlightenment.

If you don't think the post is funny, I have to remind you that no one kidnapped you, tied you up with duct tape and forced you to read WindySydney. If you don't like it here, just don't come back... but please don't make comments about how my problems with Mormonism are my fault. My problems are valid. If you don't get that, there isn't much I can do about it. It's just kind of arrogant to assume I am to blame.

Maybe, just maybe... I am right.

Just sayin'.

Now, for the next item on the agenda...


My neighbors. (Yes, anonymous poster... now I am going to sound angry).

My neighbors have been living in the apartment downstairs from me for a few months now. They are, by far, the loudest, noisiest, and most inconsiderate group of people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Good Gawd.

Here are a couple examples of what we have dealt with over the last few months:

• The day they moved in (they arrived at 10 pm with a U-Haul) they insisted on plugging in a stereo and blasting music for entertainment while they unloaded the vehicle and moved stuff in. Yes, I know they needed to unpack to a certain degree, but was it necessary to yell and laugh with loud music until 4 am? No.
• Our apartment complex is a non-Smoking complex. Anyone who wants to smoke has to go to a designated area by the parking lot. Do they follow the rules? No. They leave the apartment, don't get me wrong... but instead of going to the right place they hang out in the stairwell yakking on their cell phones or laughing hysterically at something. The kicker is that my roommate used to smoke, and he was called out as the person who was leaving cigarette butts all over the place. We even received a notice of cease and desist as a heads up for eviction a couple months ago! We did NOTHING.
• They love the games Rock Star and Guitar Hero. They also like to play them at 3 in the morning at full f-ing blast.
• It seems as if they know everyone in the city of Logan. There are people streaming in and out of their apartment non-stop. Nothing wrong with that unless you consider the fact that these people are just as loud as they are. The neighbors are bad enough... do we really need to have parties with the entire neighborhood every night?
• They leave their crap all over the place. Cigarette butts, empty Bud Light bottles, fast food wrappers, and I have yet to see them put their bicycle in the designated area. Instead, the bike stands right in front the stair well. If this bike could talk, it would say, "Andee... come here... trip over me please! I want to break every bone in your body!"

We have complained about these things to our landlord, and they promised they would take the necessary steps to enforce the rules everyone should follow. Unfortunately for us, that did no good. They haven't changed one bit.

Last night I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted after learning about my cousin dying in a car accident. Around 2 am I tried to make my way to the bedroom to sleep. Yeah.. that didn't happen. They left their patio doors open all night long, and when roomie walked down to take a look at what was going on, he saw an entire coffee table covered in beer bottles. There were at least 15 or so people in the apartment, all of them talking loudly and laughing.

All night long they sang, laughed, drank and blasted music. I got 2 hours. TWO.

I just wish they would show some respect to the other people in the building. They really don't give a shit.

I know it was a Saturday, but since when does everyone get to have the weekends off? Some people have to show up to work on Sunday mornings. Some people are in school and need to study and get sleep for exams.

God!

Andee

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Yeah, so I am dealing with a bunch of sad news right now. I decided to take a mental vacation and think about something that always makes me feel better.

Food.

This shouldn't surprise anyone. It's a freaking miracle I don't weigh 800 lbs.

Here are some food blogs and recipes that look amazing.


The Girl Who Ate Everything blogged about this Stuffed Caramelized Challah French Toast at Sabrina's Cafe. Doesn't it look delicious? I want some.



Martha Stewart.com currently has a recipe for a chocolate pear tart. This looks sooooo good. I might have to try this one out after my next paycheck.


CakeSpy Seattle blogged about Carolina's Cornetto at Tutta Bella Pizza. Yum.


Cupcake Bakeshop by Chockylit shares a recipe for Sweet and Salty Honey Peanut Cupcakes. These are on my recipe checklist. Must. Try.


Baking A Sweet Life made Pain au Chocolats. I want some.


Bake or Break blogged about this amazing Caramel Apple Pear Cobbler... Gawd that looks good.

This is also from Bake or Break... Dark Chocolate Cherry Cookies.


Baking Obsession created this wonderful Roasted Strawberry and Thyme Sherbet.

My Sweet and Saucy created these Samoas Cupcakes...

Yeah, a giant table filled with this stuff would make things a little better.

Andee

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Thank you for everyone who sent me messages, left me comments, and emailed me after I posted about my cousin's death.

Taft Ahlstrom, my cousin, was 19 years old and a passenger in the car that was hit by another vehicle. He was killed at the scene along with the other two people in the car. I take small comfort in the fact that it was probably an instant thing, and that the people in the car didn't suffer.

Taft was named after Ezra Taft Benson, a Mormon prophet. His mother and father are strong in their faith of the church, and they are finding what comfort they can in their beliefs right now. Taft was getting ready to go on his mission.

My heart goes out to everyone who was effected by the crash. Three young, promising lives were taken yesterday, and the photos of the crash have been displayed on the news and in newspapers which makes things harder in my opinion. This is a copy of an article in the Salt Lake Tribune about the crash, I hope they don't mind me posting it. It was written by Erin Alberty... I like to give proper credit for the news articles I share here.

Two co-workers and their friend died in a car wreck Saturday afternoon near Grantsville.

Bailey Corless, 17, and Taft Ahlstrom, 20, both of Grantsville, were riding in a Dodge Spirit driven by Kendra Naisbitt, 23, of Bluffdale, at about 3:45 p.m., heading west on State Road 138, said Utah Highway Patrol spokesman Jeff Plank.

An 18-year-old from Stansbury Park was driving a Ford 500 east on 138 when he crossed the center line and collided with the Dodge head-on, Plank said.

Corless, Ahlstrom and Naisbitt died at the scene, Plank said. Naisbitt was the only occupant wearing a seat belt, but the shoulder strap was pushed behind her back at the time of the crash, Plank said.

Corless and Ahlstrom worked together at Macey's Food and Drug in Tooele, where co-workers and managers were mourning Saturday night.

"We're just watching the seconds tick to midnight [closing time]," said Lezli Dickinson, who was supervisor to Corless and Ahlstrom. "We're going to miss them terribly. It's like losing two of my own kids."

Ahlstrom's uncle, Troy Johnson, said his nephew was "easy to like" and often formed teams with his friends to play Grantsville variations on the reality game show "Survivor."

"He was friends with everybody," Johnson said.

Officers are investigating why the driver of the Ford crossed the center line, Plank said. He was wearing a safety belt and is expected to make a full recovery, Plank said.

As you can see, Taft was loved by everyone. I will miss him.

Please, everyone... wear your seat belts.

Andee

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Hey guys,

I just wanted to post real quick that I lost a cousin in a car accident this afternoon. Three people were killed and unfortunately, my cousin was one of them. It seems as if bad news is raining on me right now.

Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't about me... I am not trying to gain sympathy or anything because the focus should be on him and his life. Honoring it. This just really sucks.

I spent the whole day with my Mom, my brother, his wife and his wife's Mom (who I consider family... she is really cool). We went on this long walk and just took the time to be a family. Hours later we lost someone from that family.

You just never know guys... you never know.

When it rains, it pours.

Andee

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You know, I grew up in a REALLY small town. To put it in perspective, there were 17 kids in my graduating class. Really. We had to drive 35 minutes to partake in the yummy goodness that is McDonald's. We were on an army base in the middle of nowhere... literally. To leave the base you had to travel over a large mountain pass to join the rest of civilization.

Those living on the army base were used to seeing troops running down the streets in full gear, hummers driving down the street, helicopters hovering in the desert in the distance. We all climbed into F-16s as kids on the 4th of July celebrations, and every night we stopped everything when the flag was taken down and a cannon was sounded in respect.

Everyone knew everyone, whether they wanted to or not. You were stuck, at times, in a small town with people you just couldn't get away from. You see the same people at the gas station, the commissary, the PX. Everyone was an acquaintance, everyone was a friend. You couldn't help it.

Needless to say, there wasn't much for us to do in that town. There was a movie theater that showed one movie a night on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, and I was the projectionist. The equipment was built in the 50's, and I would be shocked as hell if the projectors were still operating.

While working at the theater, I met a friend named Amanda. She was a couple years younger than I was, in my brother's class. Those who worked at the theater (all three of us) became friends and we hung out all the time. I was even there the day Amanda met her future husband, an army man who asked her to sit with him during the movie. It was sweet and romantic, and they were together ever since.

Amanda had a younger brother, Jason. Jason did what most of my friends did after graduating from high school, he joined the armed forces. It's a family tradition in some households, it's not something they even consider not doing. I am not sure if Jason was pressured to join, I doubt it...

Jason was sent to Iraq and came home suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after witnessing his friend die:

"Labor Day 2005," said Art Klinkenberg [Jason's father]. "It changed his life."

According to Klinkenberg's father, his son was driving a truck in a convoy when a rocket-propelled grenade shot into the cab of the truck in front of him. The driver, a close friend of Jason Klinkenberg, exited the vehicle. "He came out on fire, screaming for help. Jason tried to save him, but his commanding officer pulled him back," Art Klinkenberg said.

Jason Klinkenberg spent eight hours with his friend's body, waiting for support troops to transport the body back.

Klinkenberg wore a bracelet with his dead friend's name on it.

"He saw this guy's burning image regularly in his head," his father said.

Yes, it's horrible. An experience like that changes you forever. I can't imagine dealing with the things that Jason saw in Iraq. Reading about the experience alone makes tears come to my eyes, the thought of actually being there covered in body armor with the smells and the heat makes my brain practically shut down. No one should have to deal with that.

Jason sought help upon returning to the states. He didn't receive the help he needed. The system is broken, and even though he asked for help dealing with the demons, he didn't receive it. It eventually took Jason to a place that made him kill his wife, Crystal, and then himself after a standoff with police in Las Vegas.

Klinkenberg's sister, Amanda Harrod, recalled her brother as a "sweet guy."

But he had also returned from Iraq troubled by what he'd experienced there, Harrod said. And when he sought help from the Air Force, she said, he was turned away.

"When my brother first went for help, they called him a liar," she said.

Air Force officials contest that claim. They say signs of post-traumatic stress disorder surfaced in an initial examination and Klinkenberg was referred to a specialist off-base, where he had been attending regular therapy sessions.

"He was very cooperative and willing to receive the support," said Nellis spokeswoman Amanda Ferrell.

In spite of the problems her brother faced, Harrod and her father are having trouble understanding how he could have taken his wife's life and then his own.

"He had so many friends, and none of them can believe what happened," Harrod said. "Everyone who met him loved him."

"Something went wrong that night," Art Klinkenberg said. "That was his soul mate. He loved her more than anything."

I read about stuff like this in the news all the time. I always shake my head and curse that things should be different, that we shouldn't have our troops over there to begin with... but this really brought it home to me.

I actually KNEW this guy.

To all the men and women who are serving this country or have served in the past, please know that most of the citizens you protect respect and thank you immensely. I hope that legislation is passed to require the armed forces to give more counseling to soldiers who have been in combat so that this kind of thing doesn't happen to anyone else.

War changes you.

I don't understand how some officials think you can come from a place where you are constantly on the lookout for people trying to kill you to a normal life and not have any problems. The sound of a car backfiring alone would put some of these soldiers right back in "war mode." Soldiers returning from combat missions suffer more than anyone knows... and they are are risk for suicide or worse.

How many wake-up calls is it going to take?

Two young lives were taken that day. Two lives that were full of promise and hope... the world was at their fingertips. There are also countless other lives that were taken over similar circumstances.

I am not sure what I want to accomplish from sharing this, I guess I just wanted to remember the person he was before this happened.

My heart is broken right now.

Andee

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A random topic on PostMormon.org inspired me to post this. It's a dilemma most Mormons have had to deal with... heck, non-Mormons have to deal with it, too.

All Mormons are told that God wants them to have a temple wedding. Trouble is, you have to be "worthy" to walk into a temple. You not only have to be a member of the church, you have to be a member in good standing. This means:

• Paying 10% tithing to the Mormon Church
• Attending services regularly
• Fulfilling callings
• Following the Word of Wisdom (which includes things like no coffee/tea)
• Sustaining the president of the church as a prophet, seer and revelator
• Being one with the teachings of Mormon doctrine

There are others that I can't think of at the moment. Forgive me.

So, what does a young man/woman do when they want to get married in the temple? They have to realize that their church gets to decide who is worthy to attend their wedding. There is so much pressure on couples to marry in the temple that most make the decision to have the temple ceremony without some of their family and friends in attendance. These family and friends are usually welcomed at the reception later, but it's just not the same thing... is it?

The whole thing has always struck me as judgmental and arrogant... even as a believing member.

Why would God want a young woman, for example, to marry without the people who raised her, funded her education, bandaged her boo-boos by kissing them and making them better, loving her and bringing her into the world in attendance?

How is that in line with family being important?

It's a slap in the face to people that are not Mormon when they find out they are judged as unworthy.

Some of these people might be sweeter, more honest, and loving than some of the temple recommend carrying people that can walk through the temple door! Let me remind everyone that one of my uncles attended the temple when my father's temple work was done a few months after he passed away. He attended the ceremony higher than a freaking kite on heroin.

Why was my uncle considered worthy, and I considered unworthy?

The rules and guidelines make no sense to me. The whole temple sacred/secret thing pops up when you think about this topic, but that doesn't really explain why God would want a marriage ceremony to be so exclusive to begin with. Why marriage? Why not do what some couples do and have a normal wedding and then get sealed in the temple later on?

As a kid growing up in the LDS Church, temple marriage was mentioned constantly. It was preached as the right thing to do, and that the pain it might cause some family members would be worth it because you were doing right by God.

Maybe I just don't get it...

I just don't understand why God would want it that way.

Andee

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Tomorrow one of my supervisors is transferring to another department. It's not like I will never see him again or anything, but he is really cool and I will miss his laid back approach. He's cool. Luckily, the person taking his spot seems pretty cool as well.

So... I used his last day in the department as an excuse to bake. I will take any excuse to bake, most of you know this by now.

Here are my latest creations:

These are homemade girl scout cookies... samoas.



The cookie itself is shortbread. I used the recipe from Martha Stewart magazine but you could substitute store-bought cookies if you like. Sandies Simply Shortbread are just as good as the cookies from scratch if you ask me!!! And you don't have to tell anyone you didn't make 'em!

I melted a bag of milk chocolate chips, and poured half the chocolate onto a cookie sheet covered with wax paper. I then placed my shortbread cookies on the chocolate to coat the bottom. Then, I took some toasted coconut and caramel sundae sauce, mixed them, and put a little of the mixture on top of the cookies (still on the cookie sheet). I then used a fork and drizzled the remaining chocolate over the cookies. Pop them in the fridge to let the chocolate cool and harden, then break the cookies up and put them on a plate. The chocolate breaks randomly, and I like the homestyle look it gives the cookies.

I didn't have as much coconut as I thought I did and that was a bummer. I highly suggest using more than I did!



I know they look nothing like the girl scout version, but the taste is similar and quite good.

Next, we have:


Chocolate Toffee Cupcakes!

It's devil's food cake with tons of chopped toffee candy bars in the cake batter. Then I iced the cupcakes with chocolate frosting and then rolled the cupcakes in the remaining candy bar pieces. These are really good, and I am definitely planning on making them again.


Last, but certainly not least:

Devil's Food Mint Chocolate Brownie Cupcakes.

Yes, this one was pretty damned complicated, but very worth it.

In each cupcake cup I placed a spoonful of devil's food cake batter, then a layer of mint chocolate brownie batter, then another layer of devil's food cake batter. Bake, then cool. They look like these:
I didn't want too much chocolate in the cupcake, so I used vanilla frosting and tinted it green to play up the mint flavor inside the cake itself...


Then I took some time and used the remaining mint chocolate brownie batter and baked up the topping...


Yeah, this cupcake will probably kill any diet created. It's worth it, though. Promise.

The chocolate sauce is mint chocolate sauce, which really helps the flavor.

Hope you all like 'em!

Andee

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Update: The video was taken down. Shocking, isn't it?

Here is another clip of the endowment ceremony on Big Love!

Big Love has opened the discussion on the Mormon temple and it's ceremonies. For those who don't know, Big Love is a series on HBO about polygamous families and their lives. I don't have HBO, so the only thing I have seen is this clip of a ceremony:



Go ahead believing Mormons... yell and scream at me for posting the ceremony. I am prepared.

Anyway...

I thought the ceremony was portrayed with respect. They were obviously showing the scene from the eyes of someone who honored the temple and it's ceremonies... they were not making fun of the temple in my opinion.

A discussion brewed about people sneaking into the temple because one of the characters sneaks into the temple during the show. Many were wondering how this was even possible, and I am here to remind everyone that it is definitely possible. There are many examples, although I am only aware of this one at the moment:

Eight Hour Lunch Podcasts: Possummomma Goes to the Temple

Possummomma was raised a Catholic and became roommates with a Mormon in college. Said roommate was questioning Mormonism and you will have to listen to the rest!

Andee

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This letter was posted on Craigslist:

It will probably be flagged and removed in a matter of time, so forgive me if the link doesn't send you to the location. Thanks to a wonderful poster on PostMormon.org for bringing the letter to my attention. This says everything I have always wanted to say!

Dear Elder (Name):

As one who suffers from within, I write this letter to inform you of the magnitude of a growing problem. I am fully active, fully worthy, and fully apostate. I remain active solely for the sake of immediate and extended family unity, and to preserve my marriage. The fact that I cannot act upon my knowledge about fraudulent church history and doctrine has created a considerable dilemma for both the church and myself. The church is filled with people like me, and if you do not address this dilemma, the church will collapse from within. This letter, therefore, is an appeal for your consideration of my personal dilemma, and to serve as a witness against you if you fail to act.

I am writing this letter anonymously because I fear the power of your unrighteous dominion. It is not acceptable for you to claim that you personally would not wish for those like me to suffer or fear. The “Strengthening Church Members Committee” has proven its reach in the true style of “1984 Thought-Crime” investigations and “Ministry (councils) of Love” discipline. Yes, I fear you, I loath your tactics and I forcibly serve you. If you doubt my claim of forced servitude, then you would be wise to withhold your assessment until the end of this letter. I am writing with the futile hope that you (or anyone) will care enough to resolve this growing and unavoidable tragedy within the church; the tragedy of those who know the truth and cannot act upon it without destroying their families.

I come from 1837-convert lineage. I grew up in the Mormon Colonies in Mexico; I was hyper-valiant in my youth; I completed reading the full set of scriptures by the age of 16; I had all the missionary discussions and missionary scriptures memorized before even getting my call to serve; I served a very successful mission in Mexico; I attended BYU; I married in the temple; I served in four different bishoprics, high council, stake executive secretary, gospel doctrine instructor, young men’s president, high priest group leader, and various other callings; I was a student of the gospel, and was known for my answers to difficult historical and doctrinal questions; I have attended the temple more than 800 times, and virtually have the whole thing (all ordinances) memorized; I am a set-apart ordinance worker; I am currently serving in three ward and stake callings; IN OTHER WORDS: I deserve your respect, and am not engaged in any unworthy activity, so before you categorize me into some convenient slot, think again.


I have five children, two returned-missionary-temple-married, one attending BYU, and two active in the youth program. My wife and I have lived our nearly 25 years of marriage completely united in our commitment to a gospel oriented home. My wife is one of the most valiant, unquestioning, devoted members you will ever meet. Our happiness in marriage was centered in the gospel. We have faithfully performed all of the home-strengthening practices (FHE, daily prayer and scripture study, etc) throughout our married years. Our children are strong in the church because we as parents gave them that foundation. We are your typical success story.

This changed approximately two years ago. The story about how it changed is long, complicated, and spans years of personal study, personal observation, and experience. Rather than rehearse the entire journey, I will only summarize the end results. Suffice it to say that I have discovered reliable unchallenged facts about church history, church operations, church doctrine, and church culture that have brought me to the undeniable conclusion that the church is not true. Not only is the church not true (meaning that it is not what it claims to be), but the church purposefully withholds (even denies) vital information that would lead ANY thinking person to the same conclusion. Finally, church leaders even boast about the moral and ethical justification for acting this way. This is the behavior pattern of a cult; it is inconsistent with the church’s own articles of faith; and it is the central reason for the growing groundswell of revolt from within. To ignore this fact is the height of arrogance. You are either stupid or you are devious; whichever you choose, you lose.


I have a feeling (since I cannot imagine a different possibility) that you already know about this problem. You already know that the church is not what it claims to be; you already know that Native Americans are not the Lamanites of the Book of Mormon; you already know that the whole story of the BOM is not accurate or historical or even a translation of gold plates; you already know that the Book of Abraham is not a translation of the papyri that it claims to be; you already know that the first vision account is not reliable or accurate; you already know that church history is a warped version of real history and real history paints a pretty bleak picture of church origins and behavior; you already know that spiritual “special witness” experiences are not what the average member believes them to be; and you already know that as prophets, seers, and revelators, you do not possess any such gifts as they are understood by the average member. You receive and even encourage unqualified trust in your special abilities, and you know very well that those abilities are not special at all. You may be talented administrators, but you are not prophets, seers, and revelators, and you know it. Yet you allow members to revere and honor you as such. You are either self-deceived or you are willing deceivers. You know that members believe and teach that you have had personal physical visitations from Jesus Christ, and you know that you have not had this experience. Yet, you are willing to allow members to perpetuate this myth for unknown but unavoidably dishonest reasons. This is a pattern, not an anomaly. You know you are not what you claim to be (or what church culture teaches about you); and you allow this false perception to continue. What does that say about you and your integrity?

So, after coming to this awful realization that things are not what they claim to be within the church, what are my options? This journey was so disruptive and internally tumultuous that I chose to travel it alone. I was absolutely certain that there were solid faith sustaining answers to each disturbing fact. Finally, after I had absorbed the magnitude of the truth, I tried to share it with my wife. To her horror, she saw that her husband had gone into the unthinkable realm of “apostasy”. At first, she resented me for even looking; then she denied the possibility that any of it could be true; then she tried to stand on the shaky ground that even if it was true it did not lead to the conclusions I had made; finally, she clings to the defensive posture that I cannot be smarter than you (how can so many good men be wrong and her imperfect husband be right?). This is where you come into the picture. This is where the church comes between me and my wife in our marriage relationship. This is where the damage is done in countless other relationships. Do you think that you can escape responsibility for this damage? Do you doubt your complicity in creating this wedge? Can you understand how people like me come to a point of powerless resentment against the church? I suspect that you cannot understand such things, because if you did you would use your influence to make necessary changes.


There is nothing more ironic than the saying that “A man can leave the church, but he can never leave it alone.” The truth is that “A man can leave the church but only if he leaves ‘alone’”, or “A man can leave the church but the church can never leave him alone.” You would gladly split up my family rather than allow my knowledge to draw them away from the church. You have proven such intent in both policy and practice.

I am trapped in the church; of that there can be no doubt. And yet I perceive that you do indeed doubt such an idea. It seems foreign to you that I would claim to be trapped in an institution that glorifies agency. But surely you can see the cultural elements (which you support) that limit my options. Extended family relationships are high-pressure control mechanisms. My leaving the church for doctrinal or historical reasons would have a devastating and disruptive impact on the entire family network. You glorify those who leave their families to join our church and at the same time you demonize those who would leave the church for whatever reason. You stereotype those who obtain damaging “truth” as intellectuals and apostates. You encourage an atmosphere of exclusion against those who have information that would damage faith, even when that faith is founded upon false data.

Your efforts of withholding and denying truth have had the result of destroying personal integrity. I know things that I cannot openly speak about, even with those closest to me. I lie in temple recommend interviews so I can go to the temple to see my own children get married, and because my wife is comforted by the image of a temple worthy husband. I lie to my children when they question an aspect of church history or doctrine, because the truth would place them in the same pressure cooker I am in. I lie to my wife because she finds the truth so disturbing. I lie because telling the truth is more painful than a comforting lie. And I learned to lie from you. You are lying to the membership by your silence (and denial) regarding information that is vital to faith. People base their faith on incorrect information; you know this; and you remain silent. You lie for the same reason that I lie; because people prefer a comforting lie over a disturbing truth. I am trapped here because of the culture you have created, and I am reduced to using the same tactics you use at the expense of personal integrity.


Your understanding of the culture you created and perpetuate through established programs is dismal. You preach adherence to the guidance of the brethren; you promise blessings for obedience to programs and leaders; you build a structure of dependence and hierarchical authoritarianism; you inculcate an environment of conformance without regard to individuality; and you do all of this with the stated intent of blessing and improving lives, relationships and family bonds. Your programs have evolved into a culture with the opposite effect than the one you intended; members feel constantly inadequate regardless of their effort; families pressure struggling children with bad advice that comes from your talks and books; you raise the bar, a blatant slap in the face to those who do not fit within your misguided program. Programs flounder not because of poor execution but because they are poor programs. When such negative results reach your ears, you are saddened that the poor members just do not see the vision; that they cannot learn the vital lessons. It never occurs to you that your inspiration and leadership is the flawed element. Either you are uninspired or uninformed, but your leadership is causing more suffering than blessings. But this is not really about bad programs. Rather, it is about faulty foundations. I do not expect you to acknowledge that the church is not what it claims to be, but I demand that you acknowledge your part in the failures. Stop blaming failure on the members. It is cheap and dishonest.

So, I am angry to the point of despair. I do not expect you to do anything with this information, except try to track me down and deal with me through your secret “committees”. I would resign today if I thought my family could remain intact. But I will continue to coax my family closer to the truth with longsuffering and gentle persuasion, and when they can see the real story without demonizing their father, son, and husband, then I will relish our departure and be rid of you and your unrighteous dominion. Someday I will not be so afraid of your influence, and I will confront your abuse of power directly.

Your success is over. You had a small window of opportunity to be forthcoming and open, and you have missed it. History is against you. Science is against you. TRUTH is against you. As you become more closed and protective, you will appear more ridiculous from the outside. Even though you will probably interpret this result to be “prophecy fulfilled,” the result will be the same. Enjoy your last breath of illusory comfort, because it will not last.

I am not alone. I am part of a growing community of knowledgeable members who will not be silenced for long. You have no idea how to deal with us because you fear our power. You fear it because you know that truth is on our side. I would feel pity for you except for the inexpiable arrogance that you currently display without remorse. The law of the harvest will be your undoing. You have sown seeds of benevolent deception; you shall reap a harvest of faithful rebellion.

Disrespectfully:

Faithful Apostate

All I can say is WOW.

I wish I knew this guy so I could shake his hand and buy him a large coffee...

Andee

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