The Gallery of Regrettable Food

Posted by: Andee / Category: , , ,

Too good not to share.

Remember those ancient cookbooks your parents had hidden away into some far-off corner of your kitchen? The ones that were so covered in grease and flecks of God-knows-what that you were somewhat afraid to touch them? This website shares these cookbooks with humorous commentary and photos.

I wonder... how did they expect us to eat that?

Here is a small sampling of the website, check it out! My first pick comes from Knudsen Dairy copywrited in 1958. I am not claiming I wrote the stuff, drew the pictures, or had anything funny or amusing to say. All credit goes to:

The Gallery of Regrettable Food.

Surprising words from a milk retailer, eh? It’s typical of the copy, which has that earnest, scientific tone common to the era. It’s as if you have a civic duty to drink milk, and a moral obligation to use the fruits of Western Science:

“Every Knudsen plant represents the ultimate in efficiency and cleanliness. Only the most modern dairy processing equipment is used, and each processing operating is performed by skilled personally under the direction of highly-specialized supervision.” Thereby proving that the imporance of milk can, in fact, be over-emphasized.

Here’s something to think about: that boy is now in his mid fifties. Providing he drank his milk! Otherwise he's probably dead.

Okay, here we go. It’s “Mashed Potato Surprise.” The recipe calls for a special kind of mushrooms: canned mushrooms. Which you feed to the dog. The trick is get him to throw up right in the middle of the mashed potatoes.

I’ve been doing this since 1996, and I’m still stunned at some of the things I see. Meatballs in Pink Sauce. Good Lord. It’s the diluted chili sauce that gives the dish its regrettable hue, I think. If you really wanted to freak people out, you’d serve a whipped Jell-O with an identical color for dessert.

Below the Pink Balls (is that what Tomboys get when they’re frustrated?) you’ll find Chopped-Off Alien Fetus Pods, and that all-American favorite, Unnaturally Bright Spaghetti with Half-Digested Gut Chunks. Dig in!

Criminey. Man. Okay, up top we have another entry in the interminable Fun with Molds series, this being “Cottage Cheese – Cranberry Salad.” This dish is useful only if a guest has a sudden attack of hemorroids, and needs to lower himself into something that sooths and cools. Otherwise, skip it. Below, “Tahiti Pear Salad” with cream cheese dressing. Or meatball sauce! It’s up to you. And finally, “Frosted Lime-Walnut,” which applies a layer of foam insulation atop a bed of celery-flecked gelatin. The item is shown here as it always appeared at the end of every party: one piece removed, probably by the hostess, and the rest of the dish untouched.

Got some
of that pink-ball sauce left over? Toss in some weenies!

So you’re asking: what is it with this creamery and the color red? The recipe describes the thing in the lower left-hand corner as “cheese onion balls,” and while I don’t doubt that, I have to wonder about the red stuff: “Chipped beef,'"says the book. Damn - that’s some red beef.

Next, we have The 10 PM Cookery!

First of all, the guys want liquor. They want a pistachio cordial that matches their ties, matches the coffee cups, and matches the salad and the relish. AVOCADO GREEN, the rutting stags demand.

To remind them they're men, make sure to embed a batch of wriggling, erect weiners in a sea of beans.

According to the illustration above, it was not unusual in the 50s for a party to include a friend who lacked a body. No one seems to notice, of course; why, it's Ten PM.

But what are the kids doing? Read on.

Knox On-Camera Recipes

Imagine you're hungover. Deeply hungover. Someone presents you with this - and shakes the plate so it wiggles. Frankly, it already looks like someone heaved into a mold and stuck the result in the fridge. But that's Gel-Cookery!

Here the food seems trapped in a shiny force-field, the individual items looking with sad envy at the olives and tomatoes relaxing outside the hated Invisible Barrier. This dish takes a little more time, because it requires constant Simonizing prior to consumption. But that's Gel-Cookery!




  1. [kɹeɪ̯ɡ̊] Says:

    Lordy. What were our grandparents thinking?