Pathetic Personals

Posted by: Andee / Category:

So a friend of mine told me to put out an internet personal ad to meet guys in my new area. I turned down the idea right away. You never know what you are going to get when you agree to meet people you meet on the internet. I have MANY friends I met online, but I certainly wouldn't agree to go on a date with someone I just met. Just being smart, bad things happen. I was bored and found a site called Here is how to create a pathetic personal... for more funny photos from real personals check out the site! It's awesome!

Step 1: Post a sassy glamour shot, preferably from the late '80's.

Step 2: Drown yourself in a bewitching boa. It's hot.

Step 3: Recent photos? Why bother? Go back and cut and/or scratch out your ex.

Step 4: Keep us guessing. Choose blurry photos.

Step 5: Strike a pose.

Step 6: Choose from the following list of cliche`s.

  • "I love walks on the beach, bungee jumping and traveling the world." Translation: I liive in the dust bowl, wade in kiddy pools and the last time I saw the world was when I drove outside Topeka city limits to stock up on lotto tickets and green ketchup.
  • "I like to go out and have fun, but also like to cuddle up on the couch with a good movie." Translation: For the first few dates, I'll pretend to be a social butterfly, but once we get cruising baby, we're gonna make it a Blockbuster year!
  • "I don't judge people by their looks, as long as there is some chemistry." Translation: My enormously pretentious soap box is inversely proportional to the size of my penis.
  • "I'm just curious, I'm not really "looking" for anything." Translation: Dear Sweet Jesus, I need a boyfriend. Furthermore, I burst into tears whenever I see a couple holding hands.
  • "I want friends first, then we'll see where it goes." Translation: Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery of sexual favors.
  • "Cheaters and players need not apply because I'm not looking for games." Translation: By portraying myself as a victim, I'm going to attract the very man I fear.
  • "I'll try anything once! LOL!" Translation: I want to make it sound like I'm a thrill seeker when in fact I'm most comfortable with my ass on the couch and three bags of Baked Lays. Also, I don't do anal.
  • "Family and friends are important to me." Translation: Get ready, you'll be meeting Mom on the third date.
  • "I'm spiritual, not religious." Translation: I want all the props for saying I believe in God but there's no way in holy hell I'm getting up on Sunday to go to church.
  • "I'm as comfortable being snuggly wuggly on the couch in sweats as I am dressed up for a night on the town." Translation: I'm normally dressed in tattered Green Bay Packers gear, but if my prom dress still fits me, we might go out.

Step 7: Waste everyone's precious time with painfully obvious bullshit.

  • I would love to meet the one who likes to make plans to do stuff! I love beautiful weather and want to be out in it! I enjoy cooking, quiet evenings at home and going to the movies and restaurants! I laugh alot, humor is the best.
  • i like to do all kinds of thing i like to take walks and talk about all kinds of things
  • I loveto have fun but I dont like BS, STDS, and HIV's
  • I love sex,i'm extremly sensul
  • The person should not be a criminal!!!
  • ive been hurt so badly before. i dont like cheating at all. or lying.
  • Good conversation always is good
  • Clingyness is a bad quality
  • I like the outdoors when the weather is nice.
  • looking for a normal person to chat with. I prefer not to talk to potential stalkers.
  • I am not gona sit here and lie and say that looks are not important. physical attraction is a must.
  • hi,im new here so i dont know what to say but i would like to meet with new people and i,m easy going person and i like honest and tru peoples.i like to talk about any thing and about social life.i like to help every body if i can.i get long with every body

Step 8: After joining a dating service, make it clear you do not intend to date.

  • I am 22 yrs old and actually im not really looking for anyone dating wise just friends due to me finding someone from here that i really like so u can message me if u want but actually i am not looking for a relationship sorry but if it happens it happnes

Step 9: Make sure to tell us you're thick in all the right places.

  • I'm a down to earth woman that is fun to be with. Brown skin black,indian,and asian. Thick (not fat) but phat
  • But I must let you know that I AM a thick girl, (meaning I got extra meat... not fat... but I got meat on my bones.. SO...... If you are in search of an anorexic little skinny chick, I would most definitely not be the one to hit up.)
  • you need to be somewhat athletic or atleast look like it thick is ok too just not fat ,you know if you are fat, and must have a pretty face.
  • i love everyone. ill help anyone at anytime. i usally put others before myself. im thick but not gross thick im more strong thick

Step 10: If you have children, mention that you actually care about them.

  • If your some crazy creep hoping to hook up, with some stupid woman with children so you can get your sick rocks off. Well, step off cause no one will be meeting my children anytime soon. I will do back ground checks, check all of your stories out, and also check out your family before anyone gets near my babies! My children are #1 in my life and will stay that way till they are grown and on their own. My youngest has athsma.
  • Hello.I have 3 kids they are important tome. I love them and they a re part of my life I LOVE MY CHILDRENTHEY ARE MY LIFE!!

Step 11: Remember, playing the victim is sexy. Let us know you're fresh out of a shitty relationship.

  • I am getting out of a bad relationship that went on way too long. I will not tolerate someone lying to me or cheating on me...I am looking for adult interaction with a responsible, fun, honest person. I am tired of playing games and being hurt.
  • I wan to start Living Again...After a 2 year disaster I called a relationship I AM READY!!!
  • Well I just divorced my husband who put me through hell and back but the thing about it is the exsperiance made me stronger and very indemendent. It also made me very picky with relationships matter of fact its causes me to close up inside. I do hope to find someone to break through and teach me its ok to open up.

Step 12: Punctuation is completely optional.

  • im looking for a female who i can have fun with someone that is smart funny attractive and has goals very imprtant on the goal thing cause it says alot about your personality im not looking for anything serious right off the bat i just want someone i can be friends with cause if you cant be friends with your girl then being lovers will never work out by the way if you plan on sleeping with me within the first week or you plan on telling me that you love me within the first month or so then dont even bother replying i want a girl with respect for her self and someone that knows what love is and you cant love someone you dont know and trust me you wont know me in a month

Step 13: Ramble incoherently.

  • I just want to find some nice, caring, sincere man who loves me for me (or in spite for me) in other words, a man who is perfect for ME. I'm finally at the point in my life where I don't need a man, but I really want one. And I hope to find a man at the same point. Only he wants a woman, not a man....okay, okay, you get it.
  • Be straight ]honest] and look forward to creat a conversation that furthers the relationship. Thats what is difficult to do but not difficult to put in action as i have always thought of winning my point of view you actually are allowing other person to agree with some point of view too! Thats what is a basic ingrediant in animals called home sapience!!!--the rare breed of Nature ..... HUMANS!!! The more i go into a friend shipmore i become sensitive about human values and speach with which i interact !
  • quite think built, office worker, dancingand movies all tyoe watch sports church graduate of osu weeendends to see the the future geo. washinton, a. lincoln elvis pete rose jesus taking about sex yes it could happen christian values outgoing personality dancing sports fan white , thin neat kiss fun laughter honesty hygene office worker sports, dancing, socialize marriage.

Step 14: Misspell your profession, so as not to arouse any suspicion that you remotely give a shit about what you do.

  • I am a student a the Charlston Job corps studing to be a pharmicy tech. I am also x military
  • i draw, paint and coloer, i want to get a grapice design degree
  • I have a background in chald care and cunlary arts.

Step 15: Why go to the extreme hassle of spelling words such as "to", "you" and "one"? Substitute single letters and numbers.

  • Im not real picky, i just want a girl with a good attitude, and thats knows haw 2 hav a good time. I would like 2 find some1 who likes outdoor activities, but it isint manditory.
  • Hi I'm Jason. I like 2 KISS! (keep it simple stupid!!) I like 2 have a good time and looking 4 some 1 to have 1 with!!!!!

Step 16: Please, please please quote unoriginal poetry such as Robert Frost or Jewel.

  • I know curiosity killed the cat, but it does wonders for me! One of my favorite quotes is by Robert Frost: "two roads diverged into a forest and I.....I took the less traveled by and it has made all the difference"! I feel that there is someone out there that will enjoy being with me, as much as I will enjoy being with them. We can try new things or old as long as it's together. I know you are all out there somewhere! As Walt Disney said so eloquently, "fairytales can come true, it can happen to you."

Step 17: Cuddling is a highly specialized and sought-after skill. Weed out the incompetent fools by mentioning it at least four times.

  • Easy going, love to cook, watch movies, cuddle, cuddle, cuddle. Did I mention I like to cuddle?
  • My ideal match must be a first-class cuddler. Nothing better than coming home from work to open arms, ready to snuggle!
  • I'm looking for someone who's ready to settle down with the right one, has to love to cuddle and hold hands, but relizes that there is a time and place for foreplay.

Step 18: Nice guys unite! While you're waiting for your testicles to descend, whine incessantly about how girls walk all over you.
  • When ever I get to know a girl she tells me that I am boyfriend material. I now exactly sure what that intails but I think that it is good. I know that I treat women the way they want to be treated. Then they walk all over me. I want some one that will not abuse the fact that I am a gentleman and a loving boyfriend.
  • I am a nice caring guy who has been hurt a lot by his ex's. You all call this guy a dying breed of gentlemen.
  • hey girls, thank you for reading my ad. i'm tired of getting screwed over the years by promises by girls. it has happened too much to me.
Step 19: Set yourself apart from those cafeteria Christians by informing us that your relationship with J.C. is in fact personal.

  • One important point...Jesus Christ is my Lord. I do not cram my beliefs down anyone's throat. My relationship with God/Lord is personal.
  • I am a Christian and attend services regularly. I have personal relationship with Jesus Christ but I'm not at all "religious".
  • Christina Guy Seeking Christian Lady --do u know how special u are ? God love you so much, he kept leanning on you with his love until you are surredered ur life to him . and now that u have said, "yes", to jesus u are a member of God's family. u are is child, u are now belone to him. this preching was written for u .it will help u to grow in ur understanding of God ur personal relationship with him, read it carefully, do as, i insturct and i know that u will make as child od God.

Step 20: Finally, do not under any circumstances double check your ad. Remember, we're going for spoteae~ui#ty.

  • · I love eating out Italian, Mexican, Japanese, Chinese, American whatever?
  • · I like to do almost anything as long as it is fun and in good mple
  • · Fisty Irish lady seeks fine Irish laddy
  • · Also need a very intimate type that wants a sexual relationship, aswell as an interlectual type to talk with.
  • · Sexy cut I woyuld love to date a wite guy sexy im sexy I m black I want sex I have a good sex drive I love it . it seems cute to me.
  • · I'am always readeng the newspaper