Windy Sydney

In a post I wrote late last night I told of how I didn't like pretending to be an active believing Mormon because I would consider that lying. Lying = bad.

Well, today I had an opportunity to be open about my feelings about the church and I chickened out. Now, I am mad at myself for not speaking my mind, and for not being the perfectly honest young woman I claimed to be less than 24 hours ago.

Today on one of my breaks I was chatting with a co-worker in the break room. I have been reading "Stolen Innocence" by Elissa Wall, the young woman who helped put Warren Jeffs in prison for accessory to rape. Jeffs forced Elissa to marry her first cousin, and told her cousin to eventually force sex on her because she was too scared to agree to it.

My co-worker saw the book and became interested. She asked me what I was reading, and I gave her the brief intro into the biography. I opened the book to the center where a list of photos were, and showed her the photos. She shook her head in disgust and said, "I can't believe these people think they are Mormon. The only reason the early church practiced polygamy is because there were more Women than men, and then as soon as they found out it was illegal they stopped!"

I had to physically bite my tongue, and I am sure the expression on my face showed anguish. Everything she said was exactly what I was taught in the church, and it was all whitewashed and a lie. There were never, ever, more women than men... that had nothing to do with it. Joseph Smith supposedly started the practice of polygamy when and angel came from heaven with a flaming sword and told him to practice it, or he would die. Polygamy was never, ever, legal. Ever. There were also many Mormons who continued to practice polygamy even after the church officially stopped.

I suppose the only reason I didn't say anything is because I didn't want to create waves at work. I am still the "new girl" and I don't want people to assume the worst of me simply because I didn't take the church's word for it. I did my homework, I studied for months and months. I just don't like the position it puts me in. If I am labeled at work, I lose friends... I lose people who would switch shifts with me if I need it. I lose common ground.

How sad is it that I have to worry about what people think about my feelings on religion? Why is it that it matters so much? Does it make me any less of a friend or co-worker? I know the answer is no, but sadly, I don't know if they would see it the same way.