Windy Sydney

Today I became emotional for the first time in a long time. I actually cried. It takes a lot to get me to tears, and I go months at a time without a sob-fest. I tend to look at things in a positive light, and to focus on that... but every once in a while I get down just like everyone else. It's normal.

I just had a break down. It's the first time in a while that I allowed the emotion of everything I have been learning and blogging about to effect me emotionally... to sink in. For the longest time I was angry, and I will probably always be angry... but today I was sad.

I was always told I was a child of God. My Heavenly Father loved me, and that as long as I went to church and did what they said I would be with my family for eternity. I believed it. I bought it. Hell, there are believing Mormons reading this right now thinking, "IT IS TRUE!" It's not. There is evidence upon evidence stacked upon evidence. There are more and more people leaving the church because they learn about the past, about the lies, about how tithing is really spent. The church isn't what it claims to be, and for some people the church is family. It's being betrayed by someone you loved very much.

I was told over and over again that Joseph Smith was a humble and honest man, and that he was chosen by God to restore the gospel. I heard testimony after testimony, Sunday after Sunday. "I Know this Church is true." "I know Joseph Smith received revelation from God." My family members, school teachers, friends and their parents were up there on Fast Sunday promising me that we had the answers, that we had the one true church and that we were going to be together in the afterlife.

It's overwhelming when it sinks in... that the whole thing was one big lie... that you are nowhere closer to being with your family in heaven again than the next person. It's hard because I always held that close to my heart. It was important to me... it was just a lie.

Many people say that I left because I sinned or because someone hurt my feelings. Those are not the reasons I left, and if anyone takes the time to read this blog you will understand that... but, my feelings are definitely hurt. My feelings are hurt because I thought at one time I had it all figured out, and now I start over again. The wind has been kicked out of me.

I don't regret any of the decisions I have made, and I think this emotional down-time is par for the course. I feel betrayed. It hurts, ya know?