(written by tibber)
This thing is amazing; it's versatile, durable, aerodynamic, tightly packed... in fact the one thing this book is not, is readable, unless you're itching for a headache from the poor grammar and bad syntax (blame it on "the third grade education" of the man who supposedly penned it).
I'll save you the time reading it; Synopsis: it's just a really bad story about a mythical race of people who used steel (before it was invented), rode horses in america (before the spaniards reintroduced horses to the Americas) and planted and harvested crops that have yet to be found. These mythical people sailed over to central america between 588BC and 570BC on a ship (this was after a race of people sailed over from somewhere else on... wait for it... submarines, but they killed each other off); they established a race of two peoples, one "white and delightsome" and another "dark and loathsome" (Yes that does mean what you think it means) and fought and killed each other yada yada yada. That's about it. If anyone knows what a Curelom and Cumom is please let me, and the Smithsonian, know.
I have a few of these books. I'm sacrificing these things for free. All in all since this book was brought into my life I've probably lost close to 20 thousand dollars, blame it on my parents who had the misfortune of converting back in the 40's.Forget all that though, it's not important.
What's important is what I'm losing by GIVING these books away. My piano probably won't sit straight ever again and I'll have to break down and find a 2X4 to throw under that one corner where the wheel broke off. My sofa will have lost the only thing that keeps the cushion from caving in and I'll probably have to throw my sofa away and buy a new one (chalk another 1,000 to the total of what this book has cost me). What am I going to throw at my cats when they start getting goofy? And the hours of fun my kids have had playing indoor "book fights" by throwing the books at each other while hiding behind the sofa and the expensive TV? They'll be sacrificing so much.
Here's what you'll get.
The perfect addition to any handymans tool box **see note at bottom.If the mormon missionaries stop by your door, besides NOT letting them in (these guys are harder to get rid of than herpes) simply show them the book and say, "no thanks, guys. I got mine already." If that doesn't get them to leave (expect questions like, "oh, what did you think of it?") then may I suggest stripping naked. You'll get the perfect projectile to throw at cats, children, dogs, spouses, and neighbors. I've thrown mine at multiple people and pets multiple times with minimal damage to the book, except to the corners, but c'mon, it's not like you're gonna read it. Survival tool? Fuggidaboutit. With this book in your survival kit you'll never have to worry about kindling again. **See note at bottom.
You'll also get an amazing grouping of some of the most homoerotic pictures ever produced by one of the most homo-hating religious groups IN AMERICA!! Forget Ted Haggard. Seriously, folks. These guys may as well have "repressed homosexual" tattooed on their asses as a part of entrance into the church. Check out the guy's sword sheath on page 293ish, um... hello? If that doesn't look like a gargantuan schlong I don't know what does. And what's with all the phallic-like spears pointing up his romanesque skirt thing?
It's also important to note that the people who lived in the Americas "long" before, 600 BC to 421 AD to be precise, Columbus or the Vikings showed up here were WHITE! Yes! It's so exciting isn't it? Sure there were some "dark skinned" "lazy" people, but they were cursed with that skin of darkness because of their "laziness," so who gives a shit about them.
If you feel inclined to read the book and after you do you feel something akin to a "burning" sensation in your bosom, do yourself a favor and drink some antacid or get your damn cat off your bosom, or YOU TOO can pay 10% of your gross earnings to a cult that worships a man who preyed on 15 year old girls and married men's wives after he sent them (the men) on missions across the country, AND also stole thousands of dollars from his membership to establish a banking system in Kirtland OH that failed so ABYSMALLY that he was run out of the state; as well as an entire slew of other miscreant activities. Also, if you do join (or are currently a member) and feel justified in buying the bullshit fed to you by the current membership you can kiss your friends good bye BUT be prepared to wade through copious amounts of testimonial bullshit.
Brother Chuck Mai Gnuts had this to say about the writer of the Book of Mormon, "oh, he was just a man it's not his fault he ###### a 15 year old, everybody was doing it back then," (concerning the founder who claimed to have done more for mankind that Jesus... and did I mention he talked to an angel in the forest when he was 14, but didn't actually pen the event until he was in his late 20's... or later... or not at all?).
Little Johnny Smacker said this at the pulpit about the Book of Mormon, "I know this is true with ever fiber of my BEING!"
You'll be fed a line of religious BS that stretches from here to Kolob (this is where God/Elohim resides... I think it's somewhere near Uranus) Seriously, anyone who believes this shit need a brain enema.
Don't call those numbers on TV for this perfect addition to your household. Sure, they say it's "FREE" but when the mormons show up on your door step with your "free gift" you better be prepared to do one of two things; either slam the door in their face or drop your drawers and grab ankle; it might feel good for a little while, but sooner or later the thrusting is gonna get old and start to chaff. Speaking of which, it's also the perfect addition to any BDSM's tool box (I have no personal experience with this, but I can use my imagination).
I have a box FULL of these things, some are even older editions that still have the original, "white and delightsome" wording in them, instead of the more recent change, "pure and delightsome." Also the older editions still proclaim this mythical race of "nephites and lamanites" as the principle ancestors of the American Indians, whoa... it's like DNA never existed. The newer edition no longer does, sorry to say.
Email me, serious inquiries only. I will probably not contact you, so please don't feel bad if you don't hear anything. I expect these books to fly, literally FLY out of my house. If you're one of the unlucky ones who doesn't get one but you REALLY want one of these books you can ask the two young guys walking along the street in 90 degree weather... IN THEIR SUITS, or riding their bikes in the snow... IN THEIR SUITS for a copy. If you are currently Mormon DO NOT email me, I don't care what you have to say or how you have to say it, you may #### off and leave me and my family the #### alone.
**Book is not intended to be used as hammer, it's a book, not a hammer, if you need a hammer, I suggest using a hammer.
**Book is not intended to be thrown at wild animals, it will NOT kill them, nor will it do anything other than piss them off and cause them to disembowel and eat you.
1. And it came to pass that I, TANSTAAFL, having been born of Mormon parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; which included the Book of Mormon, and having seen many afflictions and cognitive dissonance in the course of my days because of the fact that I was raised in the Mormon religion and having read the Book of Mormon nigh unto twenty times, nevertheless, yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mischievousness of Loki, therefore I make a book review of the Book of Moron.
2. Yea, I make a record of my review in the language of English, and not Reformed Egyptian - the language of the Book of Mormon, because everyone knoweth that no one speaks Reformed Egyptian anyway. Behold, I make an abridgment of the review upon computer which I have made with mine own hands; (the review, not the computer) wherefore, after I have abridged the review then will I make an account of mine own review and if thou findest this sentence difficult for your understandings to comprehend then thou wilt not enjoy reading the Book of Mormon, for I make the record of my review in the idiom of the book of Mormon author. Yea, verily, it came to pass that more confusing than Yoda-speak it is.
3. And it came to pass that thus were written the first two paragraphs of my review. And I know that the review which I write true; and I make it with mine own computer; and I make it according to my knowledge. And thus passeth away even the third paragraph also.
4. And it came to pass that my review having been limited to 1000 words by the amazon.com web-site, I realized that my choice of writing style, that being the style inflicted upon the reader by Joseph Smith Jr., Author and Proprietor of the Book of Mormon, was not a good choice for one limited to a small number of words, or for that matter an odd choice for the inhabitants of the ancient Americas who supposedly had to inscribe the lengthy and frequently rambling and meaningless prose on gold plates where space was at a premium.
5. And it came to pass that this part of the review, yea even the middlest part, I shall shew unto you the parts of the review that review the book of which I revieweth. And it came to pass that I chose not to detail in this review the thousands of revisions which the Mormons made to the book after Joseph Smith wrote it, which was supposedly perfectly "translated" by a gift from god, or the many anachronisms which the author included, yea not even the horses that the ancient Americans supposedly had despite the fact that the horse arrived with Columbus nor the steel weapons. Nor even shall I comment upon 54 chapters dealing with wars that bear no resemblance to the actual wars that took place in the ancient Americas, yea and I especially shall not comment upon the accounts of wars with nonsensical accounts of million man armies fighting to the last man and their bones and steel weapons disappearing from the face of the earth. Yea, and it followeth that I also chose not to comment on the many plagiarisms and yea, even plagiarisms of mistranslations, which were included in the book. Yea, verily I chose not to comment on the writing or the story of the book, which Mark Twain called "chloroform in print," especially since I find that remark highly disparaging to chloroform. For it came to pass in the commencement of my preparation for the writing of the review, I realized that a review of the book which pointed out its flaws would be so long, yea, so long as to be longer than the book itself. Yea, and thus passeth away even the middlest part of the review, the longest paragraph, even though it merely toucheth upon the thousands of give-aways as to the fraudulent nature of the book. For yea, this review cannot contain even a millionth part of what was so poorly written in the Book of Mormon.
6. And it came to pass that I decided that my review of the book should mention, before concluding, a list of some of the main themes of the Book of Mormon, and yea I verily mention them thusly: (1) Killing is good, if thou art a teenager and thou hearest voices in thine head telling thee to kill someone, preferably someone drunk so they cannot fight back. 1 Nephi 4 (2) If thou disobeyest God, he will curse thee with a dark skin, 3 Nephi 5:21, Jacob 3:5, Alma 3:6, but (3) If thou art a personage of dark skin, God will make thee white and delightsome, if thou wilt consent to join his church. 3 Nephi 3:15 (4) After Jesus, yea even Christ Our Lord, was killed, he camest to the Americas and killed millions of Native Americans, 3 Nephi 8-9, and (5) Women art completely insignificant except occasionally as breeding stock, passim.
7. And there are many things more which transpired in the Book of Mormon which, in the eyes of some, would be considered great and marvelous, but despite having read the book upwards of twenty times, I cannot remember even one.
8. Thus, I make an end to my abridgement of my review, yea, and now I bid unto all, adieu. I soon go to rest in the paradise of mine abode, until my spirit and body shall again recover from the taxing effort of writing in such a nauseating style. Amen.