Boo Hoo

Posted by: Andee / Category:


Every once in a while I get in a funk. A depressive, blah, I-don't care-funk. No, it's not because I left Mormonism TBMs... it's because I am normal. I just have emotions when I am reminded of certain things in my life.

Earlier this afternoon I saw a man walking through my work location that looked like my Dad. He had salt-and-pepper hair, a beard, he wore jeans with a t-shirt and belt. He had a brown leather wallet that was identical to my Dads' wallet. When I was done helping him I had to go on a break and cry in the bathroom. It's weird how things like a wallet can bring such a wave of emotion.

This happens with smells, too. The other day a co-worker had a cinnamon candy in her mouth and the smell reminded me of my grandma. She loved those hard cinnamon candies that were wrapped in bright red plastic. She would always give us one when we were in the car with her.

I moved to Florida a year after my grandma and Dad died. I drove to a place where nothing would remind me of the pain I was in because I missed them so much. I delayed my mourning. When I moved back to Utah, it was as if everything were fresh again. I don't think I dealt with their deaths in a healthy way... I ran away from them.

I still have dreams where my Dad is sick, and I am still wondering if he will get better.

I still have dreams where I am sitting in my Grandpa and Grandma's house waiting for her to drive home from work. The other grandkids and I would stare out the big picture window in their living room and look for her car-lights as she drove down a road we called "The Lane."

When I wake up, it sucks.

I would give anything to just tell them how much I love them. They made me who I am today, and I think they would be pretty proud of how I turned out. I think my Grandma would have been really happy if she was alive when I decided to leave the church. She didn't care for it at all, and found the whole thing as sexist as I do. Sometimes I think they are cheering me on. I just wish I could hear them.

Are they out there somewhere? Will I see them again? I don't know. Thats the hard part.

It's so scary that it brings you to the point of understanding why man created religion. A way of trying to make sense out of death and bring answers and peace to people who lost someone they loved very much.

So much control is given to religion because of the fear of not seeing these people again. It's a shame, because no one really knows. People give their entire lives devoted to the thought of seeing their loved ones in the afterlife, and they are willing to do and believe just about anything for peace of mind that it will happen.

No one has those answers, and anyone who says they do is quite mistaken.

Dealing with the pain of mourning my Dad and Grandma is really hard. After realizing that I no longer had faith in the thoughts that I would definitely see them again (I still have hope, but there is no clear way to know) it made me realized I REALLY lost them. I might never see them again. I might never hug them or thank them for the things they did for me.

So yeah, today sucked.

Sorry to be a bummer...

Andee

P.S. When I went to photobucket to find an image to add to this post, I was greeted with an ad from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with the slogan, "Truth Restored." My sadness turned to anger briefly.


5 comments:

  1. Demand More Says:

    Im sorry. Missing someone is just so hard. For me it is cinnamon rolls, I see them or smell then and I miss my grandma. Hang in there, there will be better days :)

    HUGS!

  1. Anonymous Says:

    I have those days too, and you're right, they suck. But sometimes I think we need those kind of days to really get us to think through things that have been bothering us. I often think that people who look like they were born with a happiness gene are really missing out on a fundamental human experience and that is sadness and longing. Afterall, if you don't know what it means to miss someone, how can you really treasure the people that are still around. There has to be a point of comparison.

    When you said that you think man created religion to help people deal with losing those they love, do you think that religion might also have come about because of man's need for explanations to things - a sort of need for things to fit into some proverbial puzzle? Some people tell me that their religion helps them to understand that everything has a purpose, even if we don't know what it is. But to that I always think, how can it create a purpose for you if you aren't able to reason through the rationale. How can it then be considered and answer?

    Michelle S.

  1. purple-goat Says:

    I'm sorry you're feeling down. I've been having alot of those kind of days lately too.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  1. Mrs.Duncan Says:

    Andee,
    I am so glad you posted this. I feel the same way. I will see a man that looks kinda like my dad and feel the need to go hug this stranger or run and cry, luckily my mind makes a decision to run. I would have a hard time explaining this hug to a stranger. I find that some times are harder than others, but especially the cold months. It is still so hard to this day, to learn how to deal.

    I hope you get out of this funk and I hope that you know I miss you and Mom and hope all finds you well.

  1. Andee Says:

    Mrs. Duncan,

    If there is anyone who understands what I am talking about, it's you!

    We have been through similar things, haven't we? It's so hard at times... fresh and raw.

    Don't worry, I will get out of my funk soon. I think I am already on my way. It's just normal I think... for everyone.

    *hugs*

    Andee