Everything is Terrible is the perfect website for people like me who love to laugh at the television shows, advertisements, and pop culture of the past.
Here are some of my favorites.
Introducing Slim Suit!
Can you imagine I am losing weight just by talking on the phone??
No, sadly I can't.
The '80s were full of public service announcements fighting the war on drugs. Sometimes these were longer television spots made to look like a teen television show. Usually hosted by a blond California surfer type (picture Zach Morris ala Saved By the Bell) that wanted to "rap" with his friends about a serious issue we should all be aware of. Especially since Everyone's on Cocaine:
Anyone but me feel sorry for the lab rat? Poor little thing! He didn't choose to be hooked up to cocaine! Stupid humans and their stupid problems. We don't need to test cocaine on lab rats to know that it's something they will crave once they try it... thats why it's a problem... duh.
I also love the Jesus factor at the end of the clip. Turning to Jesus makes everything better. Go read your bible or you will become addicted to crack and die a filthy prostitute.
The 80's (and the 90's, frankly) were full of people who were convinced that once we reached the year 2000 something miraculous would happen. This lady thought the year 2001 would be extra special:
Man living in peace? Sounds nice.
Intelligent beings coming down to earth and teaching us things? Um... sure. I'm not saying it couldn't happen... but... well... it didn't. Did it? ;)
This is another clip of Uriel. She isn't wearing futuristic garb this time... she looks like a cross between Mary Poppins and Captain Hook.
She is interesting. I will have to look into her strange world of the future another day. I would love to know if she believed her own bullshit or if she knew it was all bunk and was out to make a quick buck.
Here we have a clip from a Christian television program for kids...
Why is it that people always associate kids with puppets? Puppets always scared the living crap out of me. Except the muppets and fraggle rock. Those were quality puppets. I'm talking about the ones that have that evil presence in their eyes. The ones that look like they are following you and staring you down so they can hypnotize you and make you murder your parents in their sleep. Yeah... those puppets are a little too "iffy" for a kids show if you ask me. If you are trying to sell something to a child (basically the parents of that child) you don't want them to burst into tears and scream in horror at the sight of your commercial. Nope. Not the result you are looking for...
This quote left on the youtube page says it all...
Trundel: "Ah, I think I understand Mr. Quigley, obeying is doing something you're told to do".
Mr. Q: "Very Good Trundel, and there are a lot of ways to obey."
Trundel: "Like obeying your parents?"
Mr. Q: "Or someone else who loves you...like me, and my pedophilic tendencies."
So true. So true.
Recycling wasn't a new concept, but this ad makes me laugh for all the right reasons... Bette Midler, I love you.
Don't mess with Bette. She can get nasty. She said so herself.
Know what I hate? Watching a television commercial that makes me cry. I hate that. I know the company is trying to make an emotional connection to the viewer in hopes that they associate them with everything that is good and lovely, but I don't want to cry over a McDonald's commercial. I just don't.
That nice old man was so sweet. If that were an honest ad, however, they would be showing the angry customers demanding things faster and screaming at the old man (and other employees). They would be showing the snot-nosed kids that were making fun of him for one reason or another. That girl that was training him was so over the top as she looked on as the old man fulfilled a customer's order that she could easily pass as a Disney Princess character in the parks...
How old is phone sex? Not sure... but this classic 80's ad for a sexy singles 1-900 number is absolutely cringe-worthy.
The color of that lady's lipstick makes me giggle. Another YouTube comment I love?
People used to leave cheesy answering machine messages all the time. Not so much anymore...
I totally remember that commercial... hahaha... Wait. For-the beep.
Till next time!