Windy Sydney

I just came across this list of ways to irritate an atheist. I fell in love with it and wanted to share some of my favorite ideas. There are 281 tricks in all, to read them all... go here.

Ask them why they are bitter against God.

Tell them that if there's no God, they might as well go out and kill people.

Insist that there is a God, and show them where in the Bible it says so.

Make up statistics.

Post inane arguments on the Internet, and never follow up on them.

Say that separation of church and state isn't in the Constitution; insist that the Constitution is based on the Ten Commandments.

Tell them they know in their hearts that God exists.

Tell him you don't care what you say or prove, you will still have your faith.

When given a Bible verse that looks bad, tell him that's what the verse says, but that's not what it means.

Tell him that God works in mysterious ways.

...and we're too small to comprehend his reasoning.

...and we shouldn't think of him as "how he should be."

Insist that Noah's Ark and the Shroud of Turin are real.

...and tell him about the special on FOX where you saw it.


Sigh, shake your head, and say "I just know that someday you'll need Jesus."

Admonish him to have sex for reproductive purposes only.

Give him the special gift of his very own "paraphrased" modern Bible.

Speak to him with a fake Australian accent.

State that Christianity has done a lot of good along with all the mass murder.

When asked to explain a theological concept, compare it to something simple, like "water," and then misunderstand that you have incorrectly labeled the constructs of your analogy, then dismiss the whole thing with, "You've just got to have faith."

Upon hearing that he is an atheist, jump back reflexively, as if you don't want to catch whatever it is he's got.

...then look at him as if he were a diseased leper who just spit in your eye.

End all your posts with John 3:16.

...or "God Bless."

Patiently explain that the 42 children that were torn to bits by two bears sent by God were not really children, but spawn of Satan.

When asked if they would sacrifice their own child for God, respond with "God would never ask me to do that."

Carefully explain that Lot's daughters were never in danger of gang rape, and that Lot knew this all along.

Tell him that God answers all prayers -- sometimes the answer is no.

Explain that Buddha's last words were "Jesus, forgive me."

...and tell him that you were "saved" when you heard that story.

...and when he explains that Buddha died 500 years before Jesus was born, give him a blank look.



When something awful happens, tell him not to blame God -- he doesn't interfere.

When something wonderful happens, tell him to credit God -- he made it happen.

Explain that it doesn't matter whether or not he thinks he's sinned -- all humans were imbued with original sin at the moment of their birth.

...then tell him that babies automatically go to heaven.

...and mentally retarded people.

...and those with Downs Syndrome.

Spell it "athiest."

Spell it "evilution."

Tell him that Hitler was an atheist.

...and all atheists are therefore Nazis.

Use the word "atheist" as a verb.

After your argument has been effectively refuted, wait a few days and then repeat the argument, adding, "You still haven't addressed this."

State with a straight face, "Yes, I believe that an invisible fairy god king magically blinked us all into existence in order to punish us for our salvation and that we must all humble ourselves and eat his flesh and drink his blood," and then claim your belief is perfectly rational and Superior to the atheist "mind-set," which can provide no answers.

Ask how he can have any morals if he doesn't believe in God.


Say that you know in your heart that belief in God is perfectly logical and rational.

Say that going to church is fun.

...and when he says it's boring, act surprised.

Insist that homosexuality is a choice.

Fail to have a basic grasp of history. (Spanish Inquisition? What's that?)

Have your pastor hunt him down and force him into a debate over dinner.

PUT ALL ARGUMENTS IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU'RE YELLING AND SCREAMING!

Avoid taxes and regulations because you're doing God's work.

Accuse him of closed-mindedness for not accepting your extraordinary claims.

Claim that God can cure HIV if one prays hard enough.

...then say that it is God's choice who he will cure, and anyway having HIV is better than an eternity in Hell.

Ask who he turns to when he's in danger.

...when he says himself, say "No -- when you're REALLY in danger."

Grossly misunderstand the word "theory."


Ask if he's ever heard of Jesus Christ.

Show up on his front porch at 9:00 on Saturday morning, and take advantage of his groginess by shoving copies of Watchtower into his hands and getting him to read the Bible with you, then walk away before he has any idea what's going on.

Program your church bells to play very loudly at really odd hours.

Every time the subject of his being an atheist comes up, burst out laughing.

When the subject of homosexuality comes up, say "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

...and expect it to be taken as an intelligent remark.


Reply to every statement he makes, "That's only your opinion."

If he has cancer, tell him with a sickeningly sweet smile that you will pray for his recovery, because someone needs to.

Take advantage of a horrible national tragedy, caused in large part by religious fanaticism, by pushing your own religious fanaticism as the only thing that will save us all.

...and announce that the tragedy only happened because of those who ignore your religious fanaticism.

When ending your conversation with the atheist, promise to read whatever book the atheist may have mentioned, knowing darned well that you yourself never made it through Leviticus.