Windy Sydney

Wow.  I just re-read what I wrote yesterday and I feel the need to apologize.  The whole thing looks like a drunken rant going nowhere.  In my defense, I had worked an entire shift with only a lunch break.  My mind was mush.  I am surprised I had the ability to form complete sentences... if you consider those sentences... ugh, what a mess... anyhoo...

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how I want my exit from the church to go.  Do I want to resign? Or, do I want my day in "court?"  I have been having conversations with my Mom about this for months.  She resigned back in March, after a long meeting with her bishop.  She told me that she felt wonderful and free after sending in the letters.  She was happy that she didn't have assigned friends anymore.  That is a hot topic for both of us.  Most of all, she was happy they would stop trying to re-activate her.  Imagine our surprise when she moved to a new town months and months after resigning and finding a Relief Society note on her door one Sunday!  It hasn't happened in a couple weeks, so maybe they finally figured out she was no longer a member.  Who knows...

I know I would enjoy being left alone.  I don't want assigned friends.  I don't want starving little boys being escorted to my apartment door every Sunday to beg me for Fast Offerings. Side rant: It's not enough that they starve all freakin' day, but then they have to march the kids around for hours on an empty stomach to ask for money!  What the Hell is wrong with these people?  Really?  I wouldn't miss seeing their sad, puppy-dog eyes when I open my door to them every month!  They probably smell my dinner cooking and their mouths are watering... Let kids be kids... Rant over.

So yeah... it would be nice to just walk away from the church.  I could throw myself a party the day I send in the letters... I am not a drinker, although you wouldn't guess that from yesterday's post, but I do intend on getting sloshed just for the occasion.  I am counting on all of you to remind me not to blog that night.  Friends don't let friends blog drunk!

My other option is to go out with a bang...

I am mad as hell about being lied to.  The only thing I have done wrong in the eyes of the church is that I have not taken the brethren's word for things, thought on my own, and talked openly and honestly about things I learned.  No one will ever tell me what I should or should not talk about.  Ever.  That is what they want to do.

I would love to tell the men who think they have the right to judge me and my giant stack of historical facts that they can sit around and pat each other on the back as much as they want... it doesn't make them right.  Who the hell are these assholes?  Chosen by God, my ass.  

How long do you think they would have me in that room before they lost their tempers at the lowly woman who dared talk back to them?  Oh, it would be fun to totally lose my mind and show them what I really think of their judgement, but that isn't who I am... I daydream about causing a big scene, but I don't think I could ever go through with it.  I couldn't behave like that. It would be backing up every horrible stereotype they place on people who leave the church.

"See there, Brother Goober?  They all *are* angry and bitter people once they leave the church!"

"Yes, Brother BooBoo, we should pray for that useless, stupid woman."

Since I can't come to the decision, I daydream about sitting down with Monson himself, and asking him some questions.  Well... maybe not Monson.  I can't even look at that guys photo without feeling my blood pressure rise.  He just looks like a pompous windbag.  He reminds me of a buzzard, or that one muppet bird like thing... 

He doesn't look like a man of God to me.  I know people are going to call me all sorts of names and tell me I am being judgie-McJudgerson, but it's just an honest reaction.  It's just Andee's humble opinion.  You can tell that he is trying hard to look peaceful and compassionate in his church photos, and he just can't pull it off.  I wouldn't trust that guy with anything.  Just sayin'.

Maybe I could write a letter... Something respectful and straight from the heart?  A list of honest questions.  Do you think the first presidency would write me back?  Do you think they would pay attention to little ole me?  I have an extremely rough draft of the letter I want to send, I might get around to sharing it by the weekend.  Any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Andee