Yeah, *I* Am Crazy!

Posted by: Andee / Category: , , ,

I am feeling extremely sarcastic today, you have been warned. I am sick and tired of people treating me like *I* am the crazy one! 

You know, they were right.  I was just offended.  Someone must have said something to me in a Relief Society meeting that hurt my feelings.  I should just get over it and forgive and forget.

I should marry the next return missionary I meet, because any couple devoted to eternal marriage can make it work, right?  I should start popping out babies right away, and stay home to raise them... not because I want to, but because that is what God wants for me. Endure to the end, so I can pop out more babies for eternity!  That's my goal! To share my return missionary with polygamous wives in heaven and raise millions of spirit children in an eternal daycare.  Whoop-deee-freakin-do!

I must be out of my mind for leaving the one true church that could guarantee those lovely blessings... Of course, that depends... I have years and years of tithing to catch up on.  Lard knows they need my money.  How can they build a 2 billion dollar mall without me?  It's the Lords work!

I just need to read the Book of Mormon more, fast, and pray.  I need to turn to my male Priesthood holders for help.  The same ones that think standing in a circle with their hands on my head while they pray will cure me of illness or bless me in some way.  How I love their magical powers.  Yes, those special men must have a spark of wisdom for me.

Maybe they can give me a blessing to help me forget the racist comments made by past prophets and other leaders.  Or maybe they can convince me that God really did want those prophets to say such horrible things, like dark skin being a curse because they didn't choose the right side in some war before we were even born.  Yeah... that's the ticket!  That is TOTALLY believable!

Joseph Smith was never found guilty of anything... so I don't have anything to worry about there.  He only married other women because an angel threatened him with a flaming sword. It's not something he wanted to do, have sex with a bunch of women... oh, no!  He was a man of honor!  He wouldn't harm a soul, or a printing press!  Unless you count marrying other women behind Emma's back and lying to everyone else about the practice of polygamy.  It's not something we can fully understand now.  Only the Lord himself could say why Joseph was supposed to marry two 14 year old girls.   We just need to have faith.

Heck, he was a good boy with no education!  A gifted translator! Why... he even managed to translate the Book of Mormon with a rock and a hat!  Do you know anyone else that can do that?  I don't! It must be true!

What was that?  The Book of Abraham?  There is no way to know if the two papyrus were the same thing.  You are just trying to disprove his amazing ability.  You must be possessed by Satan.  The Kinderhook Plates?  Huh?  What are those?  Are you listening to those Anti-Mormons again?  Shut up and eat these funeral potatoes.

Quit whining.

The church uses incorrect paintings and illustrations to kids and investigators to make it easier to believe... *ahem* easier to understand.  These are moldable minds.  We don't want them thinking too much.  We have to remember that they are the next generation.  Who will pay for and attend the temples around the world if we don't shape them?  Everyone desires to attend the temple, they just don't know it yet.  Say it with me.  Pay-Lay-Ale.

It is not a cult.  

It's not.

Shut up.

What? You don't like the temples?  Why?  Money?  But... people want to give us that money.  It's not their money anyway... it's the Lord's money.  

Shut up.

He can spend it however he pleases.  If he wants to build a mall and condo high-rise in Salt Lake City, he can!  Don't question the prophet!  If people are sick and hungry it's God's will.  The mall is more important.

Coffee?  Are you going to risk your temple recommend and eternal salvation for coffee?  You just want to sin, don't you?  Are you sleeping around?  Oh, my God... you are gay, aren't you! 

You can't even make the simplest sacrifice.  You are a selfish person.  I know these things because I am one of the elite.  I can look in your eyes and see that you are broken without the Church.  Even the good ones fall away.

Yeah, *I* am the crazy one.



  1. Demand More Says:

    Oh hun, I'm so sorry. You are NOT crazy. It's the rest of this freakin state that is nuts!!! How can they see these things and just ignore them?! It is INSANE!!!

    It sucks and it isn't fair. Why is it our fault that the church has lied? And seriously, coffee or church? I'll take coffee anyday!

    My dad is a TBM but he is pissed that the church is disiplining people just because of opinions. I wonder if he will say something though?