When someone leaves the Mormon Church, there is a grieving process, much like something you would go through when someone you love very much dies.
Something we loved very much did die. Our belief died. Our trust died. Relationships died. Friendships died. In some cases, those leaving the church are completely alone. A spouse leaves with the children, extended family gossips about the horrible sins that you "must" have committed to determine the church false, or you find yourself completely without friends. In a way, our way of life died. We had to start over and learn things all over again.
The way our family and friends perceived us changed, and the way we looked at ourselves changed. It's a painful process...
There was a point in our lives when we had all the answers. We knew that we had to follow certain steps, endure to the end, and make sacrifices... but in the end we would be rewarded greatly with an eternal family in the Celestial Kingdom of heaven.
We sat with our families in church meetings, bonding to each other as well as the doctrines that were taught to guide us. Almost everything in our lives revolved around the church's approval. We wouldn't drink coffee or tea, we would pray daily, family home evening on Monday nights, mutual on Wednesday nights, Boy Scouts, Sunday meetings, priesthood, relief society. The list goes on and on.
When you come to the conclusion the church can't possibly be true, and take the stance to stand up for your beliefs and not to support the church, your entire life changes. It's one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and I often wonder when I will stop feeling so hurt and angry. When will I have more power in my own life? These things will come with time, I am sure.
My Mom and I went on a really long walk today, and we got to chatting about the church. I turned to her, and said, "You know... I really wish that one apostle... someone... would just fess up and tell the truth."
I am dreaming. That wouldn't happen. There is no way in the world the church would ever admit it was wrong about anything. They are, after all, supposedly run by a man who can chat with God at any given time... admitting they were wrong would mean that either God was giving them wrong information, or that they didn't know how to read the information God gave them. Yeah... that would happen.
I know that there are people out there who really believe in the Church, and they strive to be the best Mormons they can be. These are good people, who don't hurt others or judge others. I don't wish the things I have been through on them... but I have a hard time staying silent knowing they are being misled and lied to.
Where is the fine line I should walk here?
Do I want to bring the church down? Is that what I am after? Is that why I want one of the head honchos to grow a conscience and fess up?
One thing I do know is that I will never stay silent. I am not out to ruin a good person's faith, but I am not going to stand around while people are being mistreated.
Ugh, ramble city...
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