Windy Sydney

Do you ever feel like you blinked and half a year went by? The sayings that "Time flies when you are having fun," and "It seems like just yesterday..." struck me today.

Less than a year ago I moved back to Utah after spending 7 years living and working in Orlando, Florida. Roomie and I packed up his Toyota with as much as we possibly could and put our (then) two cats in their carriers and drove across the country to start fresh. The drive was long, very long... practically endless. Kansas and Nebraska were barren, and when we reached Wyoming we were so happy to see mountains we could have cried.

We got to Logan, Utah after 4 days of driving. We were exhausted, and then we realized that we had to haul everything packed into his truck up two flights of stairs. Just when we thought we were done with the hard work we realized we needed to go to a supermarket and get something to eat. We were starving, and roomie certainly deserved a couple cans of beer to relax and chill out before the madness of unpacking started the next day.

Little did I know that trip to the grocery store would change my life forever...

Roomie and I were walking down the beverage aisle and we received glances of shock, horror, and utter disgust after we put the Miller Light in our shopping cart. The checkout girl was more than friendly to us until she saw the beer inching it's way to her hands to scan. When she finally did scan them, she did it quickly, as if she would catch alcoholism simply by touching the side of an aluminum can.

Roomie and I walked out into the parking lot and he asked me what that was all about. I turned to him and said, "Don't say I didn't warn you. Welcome to Utah."

The conversation started in the truck on the ride back to our box-filled apartment. He couldn't believe how some of the people reacted, and it didn't really shock me because I had grown up this way. It was instant judgment of our character. Roomie asked question after question about the Mormon Church. He became interested in learning about Mormon's beliefs and culture. Unfortunately, I didn't have all the answers to his questions.

Roomie popped in a frozen pizza and I set up our computer. I went online (free with our new apartment... yay) and looked up the answers for his questions. As exhausted as I was, I was up all night long. I kept learning new things, and I was in complete shock.

Joseph Smith translated the plates with his head in a hat?

Brigham Young said those horrible things about blacks?

There were multiple accounts of the first vision?

The information kept coming, and I couldn't tear myself away from my computer screen. It gives new meaning to the words, "shock and awe."

After a few weeks of chilling out, unpacking, and studying real Mormon history, I emailed my Mom with some questions I had about the church. She was the first person I knew I could go to because she was raised in a strict Mormon household... family home evening ever Monday night, scripture reading with the family... you get the picture. If someone knew about the Mormon Church it would be my Mom. She was much more faithful than I had ever been, and she had sent the missionaries on me a couple times when I lived in Orlando... I still give her hell for that.

My questions shocked my Mom, and she decided to do some research on her own and get back to me. Imagine how surprised I was when I saw someone on postMormon.org that sounded a lot like her... even her username reminded me of her. I shot her an email asking if she was chatting in the forum, and she was. We were both on our way out of the church, and we couldn't have been happier about it.

The journey has been long, and harsh. I don't think many TBMs understand how hard it is for people who realize Mormonism isn't all it's cracked up to be. Someone told me online that the difference between TBM's and PostMormons is the fact that one of the groups has walked in the other's shoes. It's very hard to realize that everything you thought was right, turned out to be full of horse manure. It's almost as if someone punches you in the stomach and knocks the wind out of you.

I started my blog to keep track of my feelings and thoughts about leaving the church and the emotions I was going through. I knew there were many people out there who were going through the same thing, and even though I was going through so much I knew I wanted to reach out and meet and talk with these people. We all needed each other for support that we knew we couldn't get from our Mormon families and friends. It's a horrific thing to have your belief system yanked from you, and to have someone out there who not only understands you but loves and accepts you for who you are (belief system or no belief system) was priceless.

The more I learned about the real church history, the angrier I got. Many people have accused me with having anger management issues, and they tell me to see a shrink and leave the church alone... thing is, I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be extremely angry. If the church told the correct stories about it's history it would be different. It's like realizing a loving friend or family member you have known your entire life was lying to you the whole time.

If I were married and I found out my husband was lying to me about his past, would you not think I deserved to be a little angry?

I am not out to bring the church down, I just want them to know that they can't get away with not giving the full truth. There are no excuses. None.

Soon, I will be sending in my resignation to the church. I am looking forward to it, and I have no doubts its the right thing to do. I am proud of my decision, my conscience wouldn't allow me to be associated with an organization that would lie and deceive so many people out of so much.

Not too long ago I started on a journey across the country, and it ended up being a journey that would change my life in more ways than one.

I doubt getting my notification that my membership in the LDS Church will change my emotions, or make me feel like things are even... that I didn't have to think about the church anymore. It's still a goal of mine to be here for people who are going through what I went through, and no amount of "Anti-Sydneys" could ever change that. People are leaving the church every day, and they need the same support that I got in my time of confusion... and I will be here for them.