Windy Sydney

What happens to someone when they start questioning the church's truth? In my own personal experience, it's like a giant earthquake. It shakes everything in your life, some stuff breaks, some things can be repaired, and some things will never be the same again.

I felt like a horrible person when I started questioning. I couldn't believe I was questioning the leaders and prophets. It's a place I never thought I would be. I was always the first person to defend the church to my non-Mormon friends. I had always accepted that there were things about the gospel that I couldn't understand. This included things like polygamy and exclusivity of the temple. I just went along with everyone else... "Put those questions on a shelf, Andee. Worry about them later."

I know there were things I didn't understand, but that wasn't due to my lack of trying... believe me. It just never once entered my mind that the church's elders were not giving me the truth or the full story. When I learned about Joseph Smith using a seer stone in a top hat to translate the Book of Mormon, I realized for the first time that they had the opportunity to tell me the truth, but they didn't. It was the first tremor.

I suppose this is why the translation of the Book of Mormon is such a hot topic for me. It's the whole reason I kept questioning. It's what got the ball rolling. It's where I first felt betrayed.

When you start asking questions, your first reaction is guilt. I was taught that the prophets were men who sacrificed for the church. Sure, I heard the phrase, "They are just men," but they were not treated and remembered as "just men." They were remembered for being so much more. I always thought they were good people who would do anything to help someone else. I always thought these were extraordinary men. Men who wouldn't hurt a fly.

I was sadly mistaken.

When I got over the guilt (that happened quickly) I started reading everything I could get my hands on. This is where most of my believing family members and friends jump in and claim that I got all my information from anti-Mormon websites. That is not true. I read through the Journal of Discourses, Discourses of Brigham Young, past and present articles in the Ensign, as well as the New Era... even Friend Magazine. I even felt my jaw drop a couple times on Joseph Smith's own records on the family history website owned by the church. How these sources are anti-Mormon I will never know.

It became clear that the church leaders were purposefully keeping certain things from the members of the church.

Don't get me wrong... I understand why.

If they were honest about it, more people would leave like I did.

It's not something you expect from a former true-believer, but my spare time reading church history has made me more than a little jaded. I have trouble believing anything that comes out of their mouths now. I don't see the church the same way, and I never will again.

So, when a true believer questions, they really don't know who to turn to. If you go to your Mormon family members, you will be looked at as if you have sinned. I know a couple of my family members are convinced I wanted to sin... that I was simply looking for reasons to prove the church false. I really don't know anyone who has done something like that. I am the same law-abiding citizen that I was a year ago. I have no idea what kind of sin they think I am committing, unless you count a severe addiction to Diet Coke.

For the reasons explained above, mainly that your family might just think the worst of you, you might not feel comfortable turning to your loved ones.

Close friends are your next option, but you might have the same problems there as you would with your family. If your close friends don't know how to keep their jappers shut, everyone in the ward will know about it. Suddenly, no one will sit next to you in Sacrament Meeting or other church activities. You are a sinner and they "know" it.

It was a different place for me to be in. I wasn't sure where I could turn or who I could trust.

I finally decided to go to online forums like MAD. I was anonymous there, and I could get questions answered from both sides of the fence. I found most of the people there frank and honest... and most of all, they were not judgmental (unless you count one specific poster who used a photo of the temple as her avatar). I don't know where I would have gone if it wasn't for these online communities.

When I would ask questions, I found myself siding with those who left the church rather than those who wanted to make excuses for the church's behavior. I knew that I couldn't live an authentic life, or be true to myself and still be a member of the church. It was then that I joined PostMormon.org.

I know that support groups like this are often seen as "anti-Mormon" but I have never had anyone try to get me out of the church. I only had honest opinions about doctrine issues, and no pressure in any way. When someone brought up a new topic, I would learn something new... with these new topics came resources that I didn't know existed and links to websites that taught me so much more about the things I was learning. Suddenly the world was different. I didn't have to feel guilty for not wanting to marry and have tons of babies. I was okay the way I was. It was the first time I had felt good about myself and the decisions I had made in a long time.

Emotional earthquakes change everything. You can repair things, you can decide that some things can't be repaired. One thing is for sure... there is a lot of healing that needs to take place.

When people get upset with me for sharing certain things about the church, or the church's history, they assume I am trying to bring the church down and that I won't "leave the church alone." The only thing I can say in response to that is that sharing my journey out of this mind control is healing me... and not only me. It's helping the many friends I have made over the 9 months this website has been up.

I am here for me, I am here for them... and hopefully, I am here for a long time to come.
Andee