Spooky Bear says, "Don't tell them I am questioning! They will assume the worst!"Yesterday I decided to share my real name with everyone (Andee) and it has made me feel... I don't know... free. Yeah, free is a good word.
When I first started this journey a year ago, I was scared to share my opinions with anyone. I didn't want them to not like me because I was questioning the church. I didn't want them to assume I was a bad person, or evil because I disagreed with the brethren.
There are people across this country who can't talk to their families and friends about the questions they have. When they talk to their bishops or stake presidents about their questions, they don't get any answers. Instead, they are seen as someone with a wavering testimony, and they are watched more carefully. They become ward "projects." People talk about them behind their backs, assuming they are questioning because they sinned.
It's so unfair!
The whole reason I used my nickname, Sydney, was because I was worried my family and friends would disown me completely. I was scared out of my mind to talk about this to my Mom. I thought she would be hurt, sad. The last thing we want to do is hurt the people we love! Sometimes people tell me about conversations they have with their family and friends and they say things like, "Now our family won't be together forever." or "What sin did you commit? You need to confess to the bishop right away!" We have not committed any sins. The only thing we did was start asking questions.
This happens to people all the time! Husbands are afraid to tell their wives about their questions. Young kids are dreading their missions because they don't want to go or they don't believe.
I think it's a shame.
I think people should be more willing to open up and share what they are thinking and feeling. Sure, I know I don't have room to talk... I just started using my real name yesterday, but what real harm can come from having open conversations about things? Wait... nevermind. I forgot... it can harm everything. Marriages break up over loss of faith. Family members disown others. Friendships stop completely. Those questioning the church run the risk of losing everything that matters the most to them.
I wish people could just be who they are. I wish we didn't have to constantly worry if our new beliefs will cause conflict in our daily lives. I wish we could just do what makes us happy.
There are many people out there who go to church every single Sunday that absolutely hate it. They do it anyway. Why? Because they love their families... because they don't want to hurt them. It's a constant non-stop game of "who matters more." Can you really live your life not being happy? Or can you put your own happiness aside for those you love?
My personal decision to talk to my family and friends about my feelings was the scariest thing I have done. Some of these people have cut me out of their lives completely. Some didn't give a flying rats ass and they just want me to be happy. I wish we had less of the former, and more of the latter.
July 1, 2008 at 6:23 PM
Thanks for the post. When I hit my wit's end with my questions, I talked to my bishop. He was very, very dear close friend and he completely stopped talking to me. It has been 18 months since he talked to me and I still cry sometimes because I miss him and his wife, but also know that it is better this way.
I have had several members of my family stop talking to me over this. I fear ulterior motives in the ones still talking to me.
I am so grateful that your mom has been so supportive. That she has loved you and decided to go on your journey with you. I hope your other family members are able to be this open to your experiences as well.
July 1, 2008 at 7:22 PM
You know, I can't tell you how sorry I am that your friend, the bishop, stopped talking to you.
It is truly his loss, and I really mean that.
I often wonder how people can live with themselves and consider themselves christian after turning their backs on their questioning family or friends.
What are they thinking?
July 1, 2008 at 8:08 PM
Quite honestly, he couldn't deal with it. It challenged everything he knew. He didn't see this coming. He thought I had perfect faith in the church. The funny part is that anyone who knew me at all knew that the whole issue with women's role was hard for me. If he has thought about then he probably just thinks this is my problem not his.
But, I am still furious as well as hurt and it doesn't take the accountability away. The funny part is that if he had said he was sorry, I would have given the church another shot. He proved that as a woman I don't matter in the church and that men in leadership don't have to be accountable. He drove the final nail in the coffin, so, for that, I am grateful. The pain caused me to follow my conscience and leave.
Basically, they aren't thinking.
July 1, 2008 at 8:40 PM
That's one of the worst things about leaving the church, in my opinion. Some really great people feel forced to kick you to the curb because you choose to believe differently. I haven't announced my doubt (now complete disbelief) to anyone except two close family members, who thankfully haven't rejected me. I've been living with the grossness of being a total liar who everyone thinks is a pillar of faith. But what I find puzzling is that if I were to announce my lack of faith in the church, I would suddenly become evil, when some of those same people have recently remarked that I seem happier and more content than I ever have, a fact they've noticed since I psychologically distanced myself from "the church." Telling, isn't it? It makes me angry that really great people are led to believe that someone who leaves their faith is evil incarnate. To me, that is more evil and cruel than anything. The LDS church is such a bully.
July 1, 2008 at 8:58 PM
I get the feeling that most of the time we shock believing members when we talk to them more than anything.
They are not used to having people being honest with them. They are used to people going with the flow and doing what they are told.
Sexism in the church will never go away... polygamy in the supposed celestial kingdom is proof enough.
July 1, 2008 at 9:02 PM
Anonymous,
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sucks, and I really understand what you are going through.
It was hard for me to realize that most of the people I cared for, wouldn't really care for me if they knew the "real me." It's a horrible blow to one's self-esteem, and it makes you feel like scum sometimes.
You are not scum.
Thank you for posting here and sharing your thoughts. Post here any time if you need to. Even if it's random and you need to vent. I will be happy to be here to read it.
Hugs my friend!
Andee
July 1, 2008 at 9:37 PM
Thanks, Andee. SUCH a cool name you have, by the way. I just read Truly Confused's story and it set me off. I think I'm in my anger phase of losing my religion. ;) And as with you and Truly Confused, women's roles (I mean, role, since there is only one for women in the church) has always been a big hang up for me. I recently learned that women were not allowed to pray in sacrament meeting until the late 1970s and they used to have to covenant to obey their husbands instead of hearkening to their husband's counsel (which isn't much better). I thought women's roles in the church were already low enough. WTF?!
July 2, 2008 at 3:19 AM
I imagine everyone who has left the church has dealt with this in some way. The treatment we ex-/post-Mormons get, in my opinion, has a lot to do with the Mormon need to define everything in black and white, but only on Mormon terms. It's very much an "if you're not with me, you're against me" kind of attitude.
I think this attitude causes a lot of Mormons to fear or to be prejudiced against things which they don’t understand, or against which the leadership of the church has warned them. Case in point: I was having a discussion last week with my TBM wife about REALLY searching for the truth, and she claimed that I had. When I asked her what that meant, she said “Well, you know I wasn’t active for a while. During that time, I considered whether or not the church was true.” I asked if that meant that she had read materials from scholars outside the church, or investigated other churches. “No,” she replied. “That stuff is all anti-Mormon. They just hate the church and want to tear it down.” Mormon, or anti-Mormon. Church, or no church. It’s all so black and white.
I started down the path of leaving the church some eight years ago, and I still haven’t fully deprogrammed myself of this thinking. Despite being really good friends with a couple of GLBT people at work, I can’t fully accept the idea of them having the right to get married. I have no problem with people who want to drink (coffee, tea, alcohol, etc.), but have trouble being around them because I don’t do any of those things myself. I love listening to metal and certain other extreme forms of music, but have a hard time being around other people who do because most, I’ve found, are not like me. I only started looking for other post-Mormons online within the last couple of weeks because I still have that same “anti-Mormon” thinking that my wife does, despite the fact that I’m no longer Mormon. It’s crazy when you think about it, but being raised with a narrow worldview can do that to a person.
When I announced to my wife and family two years ago that I no longer wanted to be a member of the church, two of my family members requested that I not formally resign right away. “You don’t want your bishop to have to go through with that.” “You don’t want to do that.” “Just don’t, for my sake”, they said. Even my leaving the church had to be on their terms! Two years later, I still haven’t mailed the resignation letter. I’m close, though.
I don’t fault most Mormons for thinking and acting the way they do, because that’s all they know. They’re used to having everything defined in their terms, and to controlling everything and everyone in the church so that everything fits nicely within the boundaries they’ve defined. Stray from that, and you’ve obviously committed some egregious sin for which you need to repent. Once upon a time, I felt the same way. I’m still learning how to think and to feel a different way.
July 2, 2008 at 9:26 AM
Anonymous,
Thanks for the compliment on my name... it's still really weird having people know my real name. It's good, though.
Sexism is alive and well, and I am also still in my anger phase. I wonder if I am ever going to climb out of that anger phase.
WTF indeed.
July 2, 2008 at 6:01 PM
Anonymous. I totally get it.
My sister that I was closest to asked me not to resign because "you had such a horrible year", as my therapist said, try the last 6 years being horrible. So I didn't resign. Funny, she isn't talking to me anymore. I was evil. I wouldn't take the day off of work to take her to the airport. My family loves to talk about me behind my back. Of course if I fell in love and got married it would all be better....
I too have had to search for an online community. Because people in my life don't "get it". It is really hard.
I am so, so sorry to see that you are suffering. I cannot stand that others go through such hard things. I wish I could do something to ease your burden!
July 2, 2008 at 8:58 PM
Truly Confused,
You, Steve-o, and Andee have already eased my burden greatly, just by sharing your stories. While it's painful to read that others are being treated with disregard and having people cut them off, it's also validating to know that this is a common experience. I detest the word anti-Mormon and the whole "if you're not with us, you're against us" attitude. It's so reductive, and doesn't incorporate the complexity of both our individual and collective experiences leaving the church. Evil is a lot of things, but it's not any of us. Choosing to believe differently and valuing truth are not evil.
I especially admire Andee for going public with her real name. It's something I hope to do one day!