Choosing Our Parents

Posted by: Andee / Category: , ,


I had fantastic parents. They loved me no matter what, and I always knew I could go to them if I did something wrong. My family wasn't the typical TGIF sitcom family (Full House? Come. On.) by any stretch of the imagination. We had our arguments, tiffs, and our fair share of meals spent in silence because we were just plain sick of everyone at the table. One thing we all understood was that we loved each other unconditionally, even if we didn't get along all the time. That is one thing I will never take for granted. I have seen how some families have split apart when someone splits from the church, and I always knew my immediate family would never in a million years do that.

My roommate recently celebrated his 40th birthday, and he was pretty melancholy about it. He had a childhood much like mine. He knew his family would love him no matter what, and they didn't always get along. He and his brother would often get into huge physical fights, and one time it even included a fire poker. Luckily, everyone made it out of the fight alive and with their eyes intact.

Thing is, roomie was adopted. He loves his adoptive parents very, very much. They took him in and gave him a home when he was 3 days old and they never looked back. They taught him to be a good person, and he is.

I was always taught in church that before we were born we got to choose the family we were to be born into. We picked out our parents before we came to earth. I was told that I must have been a very good spirit in the pre-existance because I was born into a family that was already Mormon. That did a number on me. Can you imagine how I used to believe I was better than my Non-Mormon friends in the pre-existance? Is that wrong or what???

Anyway, roomie and I were talking about his search for his birth family. The only thing he knows is that his birth mother was from Australia. Thats it. No other details or family history. The adoption records are sealed, and he has appealed to judge after judge to learn more of his birth family's health records. I really don't think that is too much to ask. If they don't want to be contacted, fine... but doesn't he have a right to know where he came from? What health problems he should look out for?

So, in the old Mormon mindset that I used to have... I would believe that roomie chose this for himself. That he chose for his birth mother to give him up for adoption. Maybe he would have chose his adoptive parents, that might make more sense.

What I am getting at here, is this:

How about kids who are abused? Mentally, emotionally, sexually... you name it. What about them? Why in the world would they choose to be born into families like that? Why would they pick those parents? Some of the these families who abuse kids are Mormon. It's not like they were super-good in the pre-existance and were blessed to be born in a family that happens to be Mormon but abusive? Are these kids thinking that they were born into abusive families because they were not good enough in the pre-existance? Talk about giving someone a guilt trip over something they have no recollection over or control in any way. Are they going around believing they made a horrible decision and they have no one to blame for it than themselves? They are, after all, the ones who chose that family.

It's kind of messed up. Isn't it?

I am not sure how wide-spread this teaching is. Maybe it's just something Mormons in Utah believe (there are things people in Utah believe that would never fly anywhere else in the world). Heaven only knows if this is "doctrine" or not. It's impossible to figure out what is doctrine and what isn't. If the idea falls out of favor, like the Adam-God theory, the church simply states that it wasn't doctrine. It was the prophet speaking as a man, not as a prophet. Right.

One thing I do know is that if this teaching is widespread it should stop. It's wrong to play this mental game with anyone.


13 comments:

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 7:31 PM

    Well, I'm from Texas and I was taught the same exact thing, so I don't think it was just a Utah thing. I'm not sure if it was actual doctrine preached at General Conference or just a general knowledge, but it is definitely taught to LDS Children. I'm still having a hard time getting over my inflated head! It's hard to accept that you are equal to everyone else when your entire life you are taught that you are so much better than everyone else and that you should have pity on all the gentiles.

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 7:38 PM

    Its not doctrine I can tell you right now...nor is the doctrine that you 'chose' your wife before you were born. Completely contradicts the 'ability' to choose people have here on Earth. If I had for instance chosen to be born to my parents, what would happen if they chose not to have kids whilst here?? Seems quite bizarre doesn't it?

    Furthermore, I HATE HATE HATE this teaching because it gives rise to this crap dogma that 'your companion is out there somewhere because you chose to be together down here on Earth'. I'm a romantic I admit, but this completely contradicts the law of choice again.

    Its rubbish and like you I wish it would stop. Not pushed by any prophets, just members highlighting the need for correction in doctrine.

    I think we also need to be very careful about the 'worthy before you came to Earth' deal because again, its slightly detrimental to choice.

    Messed up it is...Church's doctrine it ain't. I believe in the pre-existence, we worked and studied and did whatever it was we did, then we chose Christs plan to come to Earth. Thats it.

    Sorry to be a little emotional on that one...it just pisses me off to no end...and its us members who 'carry on' this type of doctrine.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 7:54 PM

    Hey Nicko,

    I am pretty darn sure it's not doctrine either... anymore.

    My Mom was told these things in Sunday School growing up. The idea of choosing parents before we come to earth is something that has been around in Mormonism for an extremely long time.

    It is definitely wrong to say this kind of thing, and I believe that is why the church is now distancing itself from it completely. Same thing that happened with Blacks receiving the priesthood. They changed their minds and didn't talk about it. No comment.

    Just my two cents.

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 7:57 PM

    No I'm pretty sure its never been doctrine..its one of those 'stigmas' or 'myths' that seems to perpetuate throughout the ages. People still teach it and believe it today trust me...its annoying as hell....and really gets my goat when I hear a guy say 'I chose my wife before I came here....'

    Yeah...right....

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 8:12 PM

    If you've ever seen Saturday's Warrior, a production heavily promoted by the church for many years, you'd see that the storyline in that is all about choosing families and spouses in the pre-existance. That could be one source of the myth. I know that is what I was also encouraged to believe as I was growing up in the church.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 8:56 PM

    Kristen,

    I have never seen Saturday's Warrior. I will have to look it up online and watch it on my next day off.

    Again, it all comes down to the fact that it is nearly impossible to tell what is doctrine and what isn't. If people are teaching this to kids in Sunday School (happened to me) shouldn't it be doctrine? I mean, you can't have people making up their own stuff all the time, can you?

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 9:47 PM

    Sydney, I'm having a problem posting a comment, so I may have sent it twice. Disregard the first one if it came through, and this one.

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 11, 2008 at 9:49 PM

    Sydney, I'd love to warn you away from the cheese-fest that is Saturday's Warrior, but if you do find a version of it, check it out. You'll see that this was very much the mindset when I was growing up. I hope you're not lactose intolerant ;).

    Nicko - I gather from some of your posts that you are a convert to the church, and in Australia from what I understand. I'm not implying that you don't know as much because of those reasons, but I'm going to assume I've had a little more experience in the church. I was raised in the heart of Mormondom, attended church faithfully from the ages of three to 38. Much of what the church today is blowing off as "folklore" and myth, was very much taught as "doctrine" when I was growing up, including the idea that we picked our families and our spouses in the pre-existance. Like I said above, Saturday's Warrior was major production for church members for many years, and those were its main themes. They weren't just pulling those ideas from their behinds, it was taught to us, just like the American Indians were all the ancestors of the Lamanites, and Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon with the actual plates in had, not a seer stone in a hat. So please understand that when members, such as I, find out that these "doctrines" at some point changed or were tossed out, and we didn't get the prophetic memo, it can cause us some serious cog-dis, and might cause us to react defensively when other's blow them off as non-doctrinal, because this is what we were taught growing up.

  1. Not quite the Bradys Says:
    June 12, 2008 at 12:00 AM

    It's never been doctrine. It is something that I only ever heard in Utah. And it's ridiculous.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 12, 2008 at 6:35 PM

    I am certain it was doctrine at one point. I know those people still in the church will deny that, because that is the official word of the Church *now.*

    My Mom was taught this, as well as many, many Mormons I have emailed with all over the United States. I don't know about internationally, but it was certainly taught by leaders in the church.

    Again, how does one know what is doctrine in the Mormon Church? It's impossible.

  1. Unknown Says:
    June 12, 2008 at 7:00 PM

    I saw a striking contrast in the progress of the Indian people today...they are fast becoming a white a delightsome people. ...For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. ...The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter that their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.

    At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl-sixteen-sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents-on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather. ...These young members of the church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. One white elder jokingly said that he and his companion were donating blood regularly to the hospital in the hope that the process might be accelerated.
    Spencer W. Kimball, Improvement Era, December, 1960, pp. 922-23

    Is there reason then why the type of birth we receive in this life is not a reflection of our worthiness or lack of it in the pre-existent life? ...can we account in any other way for the birth of some of the children of God in darkest Africa, or in flood-ridden China, or among the starving hordes of India, while some of the rest of us are born here in the United States? We cannot escape the conclusion that because of performance in our pre-existence some of us are born as Chinese, some as Japanese, some as Latter-day Saints. These are rewards and punishments, fully in harmony with His established policy in dealing with sinners and saints, rewarding all according to their deeds...
    Mark E Peterson, Apostle

    Thought these might be of interest to you. On a better note, I told my mother no religious talk to the kids and she didn't damn me to hell! She did tell me I will pay in the afterlife for not teaching my children the truth though so maybe she did.... Fun conversation.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 13, 2008 at 8:46 AM

    Thank you for the quotes! See? It's pretty obvious that the church taught this stuff and now considers these things non-doctrine!

    I am glad you had the talk with your Mom, she was being out of line. I hope things are going well.

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 14, 2008 at 6:01 PM

    ......for the record, doctrine is when it is authorised by the first presidency and the quorum of the twelve.. there are very few books which can be considered 'doctrine'. Jesus the Christ being one, and obviously the whole of the scriptures plus The living Christ and Proclamation to the Family.

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