Could I Ever Be an Atheist?

Posted by: Andee / Category: , ,


Could I ever be an atheist?

I honestly don't know how to answer that question. I have become a very jaded and untrusting soul after my experience with the Mormon Church, and I now find it hard to believe in anything I can't see for myself.

At times I find myself angry... angry at myself! Angry that I ever fell for the whole Mormon theology and doctrine. Why did I ever believe that God spoke through a prophet? Why did I believe that not drinking coffee would help me get into heaven? How dumb was I? Don't get me wrong... I don't think Mormons are dumb. It's just that what I believed then and what I believe now are so far apart from each other that I can't even imagine that I believed it to begin with! (Sidenote: I wonder how many times I can use the word believe in one sentence... believe believe.)

There is a song that I am sure everyone is familiar with called, "What if God was one of us." Do you think that God pops in and out of our lives without us knowing? Checking up on us to make sure we are treating people well? Testing us? Do you think he just knows everything automatically?

Is God up there? Is there some guy living in the clouds watching everything we do, and listening to everything we say? When we die, are we going to be held accountable for everything? Or is it just over when our hearts stop beating... do we just cease to exist altogether? Becoming one with the earth that created us?

I don't trust anything in scriptures. The Bible isn't really believable to me... I certainly don't believe in stories like Noah's Ark. It's physically impossible. Adam and Eve? No way... and while I am on the subject of Adam and Eve, let me just say how much I love the fact that Eve gets blamed for everything. If we needed any proof that men had a part in creating the Bible, it would be right there.

I have a hard time with this. I go back and forth constantly, because I still don't know where my heart and mind will come to an agreement.

When my Dad passed away 10 years ago, we were all surrounding him in his hospital bed. My Mom, brothers, grandparents and a couple aunts and uncles were there. We all knew it was the end, and we all wanted to be there for him. As we took turns holding his hand and telling him how much we loved him, he looked over at the hospital room door. His eyes grew wide, almost child-like... like he was seeing something wonderful. The door to the hospital room opened, and then closed. No one was there. Then it did it again. No one came in the room, and no one left the room. My Mom, uncle and I were the only ones to notice. A few minutes later my Dad passed away.

My heart was at peace at the time, believing that our dead family members and friends had come to take him to heaven. I wanted nothing more than to know that he was okay. That he wasn't in pain or discomfort anymore, that he could breath. That he could talk. I wanted him to be him again.

A few years ago, while working in Orlando, Florida I met a little boy named Nathan on a Make A Wish trip. He was dying of cancer and his biggest wish was to meet Barney the Dinosaur. Did that little boy just cease to exist? Or did he go to a place where he felt no pain or sickness? I can't help but hold onto the wish that his spirit is out there somewhere waiting to see his family again. He touched more lives in his short 5 years than I could ever dream to. Was his short life meant to come to earth and teach us, or was that just the way it was? Nature... something that just happens?

Everyone in the world has probably had experiences like this from one time to another. They see or experience something that is almost impossible to explain away... some attribute this to God or angels, and some attribute this to our mind being the very powerful organ it is.

In my heart I do believe I will see my family and friends again after we are done in this world. I don't believe it will have anything to do with any religion, I think it might just be a surprise to everyone. I often wonder what my first thought will be when I get there (if it exists). I really hope it's something like this:

"I get it now. It all makes sense."


14 comments:

  1. donangelo Says:
    June 23, 2008 at 10:02 PM

    Syd please don't be hard on your self.

    Because that liar and false prophet joseph smith is to blame for all of our pain.

    Because what is important now syd is that you know the truth.

    And now you must embrace the truth.

    Because what you do with that truth now that you know it is up to you.

    Because we christians every where syd care too much about you.

    To let you go atheist on us.

    Because it don't have to be this way syd.

    There is still time for your name to be written in the lambs book of life.

    and for you to make the biblical Jesus Christ your own personal lord and savior.

    Because the biblical Jesus Christ still saves and he loves you sydney more than you will ever possibly know.

    because you are right syd it is not about religion.

    it is about a personal relationship with the biblical Jesus Christ, the king of kings and the lord of lords.

    because we know that all things work together for good for those who love God who are called according to his purpose. romans 8:28

    because syd you can see your family again.

    but you must go through the biblical Jesus Christ

    I AM THE WAY,THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE,AND THE ONLY WAY TO THE FATHER IS THROUGH ME JOHN 14:6

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 23, 2008 at 10:56 PM

    The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins is an insanely logical and brilliant work of art. A great investment and amazing read. I think our society has made the word atheist a dirty word and we would be surprised how many people are atheists. I am an atheist and when I hear others say they are I find them to be logical and open minded. I believe in what I know. Maybe there is something else out there, but I have no proof of that. The bible is a joke. That, to me, is obvious. It's refreshing to read your thoughts on your own beliefs and your struggle to find out what you really believe. Growing up Mormon we are told what to believe for so long that when you walk away you have to figure out every little thing for yourself. It's a rebirth.

    "I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. Neither can I believe that the individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotism." [Einstein]

  1. steve-o Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 5:33 AM

    I'm new here and haven't read everything you've ever posted, but to me, it sounds like you're an atheist already...or, at least, well on your way to becoming one.

    I imagine there are many people in the Mormon church who are like me on this subject. I can remember telling people long before I ever considered leaving the church that the only choices for me were Mormonism or atheism. Many years later, here I am--an atheist. I think many Mormons never really learn about or consider other religions, and thus to say such a thing is not really a logical conclusion. That's not true in my case, but anyway...

    You're obviously very opening to questioning/challenging what you see, at least, from a religious perspective (again, I'm new here and haven't read everything). I see no evidence of you adhering to any belief system other than your own. To me, that's very atheist, and it's a good thing. Once you've taken off the warm blanket of religion, you're left to decide for yourself what is ethically and morally correct. There's no fear of reprisal from a higher being, and you don't have to choose to accept anyone's definition of right or wrong just because of what the scriptures said. This has been pointed out elsewhere in your blog, but I'll say it again: most people pick and choose what they want from the scriptures anyway.

    In any case, no one can decide your beliefs for you, but it does already seem like god is not a factor...and that's OK. Embrace who and what you are, I say.

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 7:03 AM

    Hi Sydney,

    I don't believe in "god" but I'm not an athiest, more like agnostic. I certainly do think that there are things greater than myself but I won't presume to know what they are. I also think that a part of everyone's consciousness (is that a word?) continues on in some form. I think the bible is just a book of history mixed with fables and is in no way divinely inspired. Was there a Jesus? I don't know, but if there was he must have been a great guy with the right idea of how to treat people.

    What an amazing story about your dad! I love it when incredible things happen like that.

    When my dad died 13 years ago I had a vision of him the night of his funeral- I do believe it was him coming to comfort me in my grief. He was young and handsome again, showing no signs of the sickness he'd lived with for 10 years. We were at his grave and he was standing in the doorway of a new car- significant because he hadn't been able to drive for most of the time he was sick and I know that was a blow to his pride. Anyway, he gave me the sense that he was okay and he didn't want me to be sad. I know (there it is....) that it was not a dream, I think that if it was something created by my mind I would have had some similar comfort after I lost my mom- but I never did.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 10:09 AM

    Thanks for the comment Ashley!

    Many people have mentioned that book to me, and I will read it soon. As a matter of fact, I will order it on Amazon when I get home from work tonight. Thanks.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 10:17 AM

    Thanks everyone for their spin on things... it does help to know that I am not alone in this whole thing. Others have sort of paved the road for me.

    I consider myself agnostic at the moment. I am not quite ready to give it up completely... it might be because realizing it was all some kind of dream (the afterlife) would make me very sad. I will probably end up crossing that bridge. It's just a matter of when.

    Thank you again everyone!

  1. donangelo Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 12:29 PM

    Hey Miss Ashley,

    I am here to tell you young lady that there is a GOD who reigns in heaven and on earth.

    And we will all have to stand before the SON OF MAN one day to be judged,some of us will be found guilty and some of us will be found innocent.

    For the son of man will come again in his great glory,with all his angels.He will be king and sit on his throne.All the nations of the world will be gathered before him,and he will seperate them into two groups as a shepherd seperates the sheep from the goat.The son of man will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

    Then the king will say to the people on his right,come,my father has given you his blessing.Receive the kingdom God has prepared for you since the world was made.I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink.I was alone and away from home,and you invited me into your house.I was without clothes,and you gave me something to wear.I was hungry and you gave me something to eat.I was in prison and you visited me.

    Then the good people will answer,Lord when did we see you hungry and give you food,or thirsty and gave you something to drink? When did we see you alone and away from home and invited you into our house?When did we see you without clothes and gave you something to wear?When did we see you sick or in prison and care for you?

    Then the king will answer,I tell you the truth,anything you did for even the least of my people here,you also did for me.Then the king will say to those on his left,Go away from me You will be punished.Go into the fire that burns forever that was prepared for the devil and his angels.

    Then the king will answer I tell you the truth,anything you refused to do for even the least of these of my people here,you refused to do for me.

    These people will go off to be punished forever,but the good people will go to live forever. matthew. 25:31-40

    so you see ashley and amber that GOD is going to judge us someday.

    because ashley speaking of rebirth,you need to be born again.
    because in order for you to enter the kingdom of God ashley,you must be born again I am talking about a spirituall rebirth. john3:3

    because all I am saying people is do not give up on the true and living GOD,because he will never give up on us.

    because God so loved the world,that he gave his one and only begotten son,so that whosoever shall believe in him shall not be lost,but shall have ever lasting life. john 3:16

    because I love all of you,and it is good to know that we have a blessid assurance in our lord and savior the biblical Jesus Christ.

    Who died for all of our sins so that we won't have to go to hell.

    So please make the biblical Jesus Christ your own personal lord and savior today.

    because today is the day of salvation. 2 corinthians 6:2

    because remember everyone I was also a mormon once,but now I am a born again christian.

    and it feels good to be in the truth cause I believe.

  1. Unknown Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 1:53 PM

    I'm thinking that is there is a cruel god out there who expects us all to become born again Christians, then there will be a lot of wonderful people in "hell" and I will be proud to be one of them!

    I now consider myself a Deist. I believe there may be a creator or may have been one but I don't believe in a personal god. I don't believe there is a God who rewards men just because they happen to have been born in the right family or because they don't drink coffee or tea.

    When you look at all of the religions out there that are well know (Mormonism, Catholicism, Muslim, etc.) you'll notice they are all the "Revealed Religions". These are the ones who have prophets claiming to know god or have a biblical, or other text, following. These are the religions I can't accept.

    Just know that it is okay to feel whatever you feel. You have the right to choose or not to choose and no one should feel that they need to convert you or convince you of their own beliefs. You are a great person just the way you are.

    And Donangelo, give it up!!!!

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 5:11 PM

    I left mormonism but am not an atheist. I am not any religion. I am figuring how to be spiritual in a way to make sense to me.

    We all have to make decisions in a way that makes sense us. I personally think the most important thing you can be is a good person.

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 6:47 PM

    I actually thought (and partially for obvious reasons) that the God Delusion was ridiculous in its conclusions. Claiming that all war is pointed to religion is pretty naive if you ask me. However, I think that he does an ok job at making it readable for the lay public audience.

    Of course I have issue with anyone from a scientific background trying to lay positivist science on the whole population in his opinion that only scientific proof is valid proof. Dawkins is the sort of guy who dismisses valid Qualitative data because of its unreliability.

    But I totally digress from the matter at hand....usual thing for me to do as you know.

    If you really want to get down to the nuts and bolts of religion I suggest that you read the Elementary Forms of Religious Life by Emile Durkheim. Bit hard on reading, but well worth it and much more intellectual than Dawkins stuff. Also Weber does some good stuff too. All old Sociology, but still very pertinent.

    Ok..back to the post at hand. I can't say I've ever doubted the existence of a God. Perhaps just because I always had that ingrained belief he exists. If there is one thing I do know however is that there is an afterlife, whatever that may be. Not long after my Grandma (who lived with us) died, we heard her still downstairs pottering around her little granny flat doing her usual routine. Similarly at the gravesite of one of my closest (elderly) friends, I heard her audibly say 'thankyou' for being present.

    My mum has had numerous 'experiences' like these and I personally think that some people have the veil a little thinner than others around them. Dunno why. Don't really need to know. All I know is what I've heard wasn't me making stuff up.

    Whether God exists or not is a matter of faith...and I guess contention for you Sydney. But I think the 'evidence' that something is out there after this from people all over stating experiences like these (and your own) is pretty self-explanatory to me.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 24, 2008 at 11:51 PM

    Donangelo,

    I have given you every chance in the world to stop calling people evil, but you continue to do it. I asked you to stop, and told you I would give you one more warning... you didn't listen and now I have no choice but to stop publishing your comments.

    You are not helping your cause by being so judgmental, you are only pushing people away.

    I wish you well, but this was your last comment on WindySydney.

  1. veggiedude Says:
    June 25, 2008 at 1:39 AM

    It's good for you to be skeptical and to question. Nothing wrong in being an atheist. But I doubt you are cut out to be one. The need or desire to believe in an afterlife is a very strong instinct (yes, an instinct), found in most people and you have expressed it well. The part of brain for it has even been discovered. It can be turned on and off like a light bulb. All that matters is that we try to live by that golden rule: do unto others as you'd want them to do unto you -it is found in all religions and atheists believe in it too.

  1. Anonymous Says:
    June 25, 2008 at 6:57 AM

    and there was much rejoicing....

  1. Andee Says:
    June 25, 2008 at 5:49 PM

    Amber, I feel the same way. I am so done with that guy.. .ugh!

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