Windy Sydney

I have sat through my fair share of Testimony Meetings. Most of the time I sat in my chair drawing on the church program or playing dots with my brother. They were so boring...

For those who read the blog and are not familiar with this, it's when the church focuses it's entire Sacrament Meeting time to sharing the testimony they have in the church. Anyone or Everyone gets up behind a microphone and tells everyone else how much they love the prophet Joseph Smith, and how they know, "Without a Shadow of a Doubt," that he restored the church.

Testimony meetings drove me bonkers as a teenager because everyone said the exact same thing. Sure the delivery might be a little different, someone might be a little more funny than the next, but the message is always the same... and you hear it over and over again. I truly believe these meetings help members of the church gain testimonies where they don't have them. I suppose that is the purpose, to boost members testimonies, but shouldn't a testimony come from within and not from hearing the message over and over again?

There were a couple people in my ward that would go on and on with their testimony. They would start with their life story, about how they didn't have much growing up, but once they found the church their life was turned around. Or, you would hear them tell you a story of how their child had a cold, and thanks to the priesthood blessing the kid received he/she didn't have to go to the emergency room. These things, in the minds of the people telling the stories, proved the church was true.

There are also stories of how the spirit warned them of impending doom. I remember hearing a story about one of the young men who escaped a car accident with minor injuries. The spirit told him to put on his seat belt. Umm... sorry... but that is just common sense. If you need the spirit to tell you that, something else is wrong.

You also get people who get up there and apologize. Apologize if they ever hurt anyone... ever. "I am so sorry if I have ever done anything to hurt you, my brothers and sisters. I want you to know my intentions are always good, and if you need my help I will be there. I love each and every one of you." Ummm, okay then... you want everyone to think you are a good person. Well done.

When I was in young women's I was called out for not sharing my testimony. In front of my entire class, my teacher turned to me and said, "Sydney, why is it that you don't share your love of the gospel?" I didn't share my testimony because I didn't have one. Getting up at the front of your entire town and professing your love and knowledge that the Mormon Church is true while you know you doubt the entire thing is a big, fat, lie. I don't like lying. When my leader asked me that question, I smirked and shrugged. She just thought I was being difficult.

I have mentioned before that most of my school teachers were Mormon. I would go to school during the week and they would teach me English and Math. 2 + 2 = 4. The same teacher gets up to bear her testimony, the kid is going to listen, right? I mean, you consider your teacher smart and you are supposed to listen and trust what they tell you. It's a little hard to draw the line from school to religion.

Anyway, starting from a very young age kids hear their family and friends promising that they have the famous burning in the bosom telling them the Mormon Church is true. One of two things could happen here...

First, the child trusts the other's feelings and forms an opinion of the church based on what their friends and family say, or, they wonder what in the world is wrong with them if they don't have that famous burning in the bosom telling them the church is true.

What always made me cringe was seeing mothers escort their young children to the front of the group, handing their children the microphone. The Mom would whisper in the child's ear, and the child would say, "I would like to burr my test-money I know the church is true Josef Smiff was a prawfit the book of Mar-mon is true, I love my mommy and daddy, and inthenameof Jeezus Cryss amen."

That. Is. Brainwashing.

These young kids are way too young to know these things, way too young to believe what they are saying. Forcing them to say it, hear it, listen to it over and over again is leaving a huge imprint in their mind.

It's wrong.

Here is a list of over-used sayings from Mormon Testimony Meetings:

"Something happened this week (sob, pause, sob, pause) and I just felt like I need to share it with you all..." (Mostly this one will ramble on and you can say whatever, as long as you end with "that's how I know the church is true.")

One example: "The other day I fell on the ice and I didn't even have a scratch. I know it is a miracle! Oh thank God!" (Whatever it was, it can be a miracle. We've all heard it.)

"I wasn't going to get up here today, but the spirit made me do it. I don't even know how I got here. I don't even know what I am going to say. But I think someone needs to hear it." (Even as a child I thought, "then why are you up there?" or "if you don't know what you are going to say, this will suck and be boring!")

Don't forget the line, "I am so grateful for our Bishop and all of the wonderful things he does for our Ward."

I would be truly remiss if I didn't stand up today and...

I hate to see the time going to waste...

Heavenly Father sent me this trial so that I could become stronger...

Our leaders are truly inspired...

I know that I am not given any more than I can bear....

"I didn't want to come up here"

"Each and everyone of you has made a difference in my life"

"Our Bishop is an ispired man"

We would like to thank the aaronic priesthood for the reverence with which they have administered the sacrament"

"I would like to thank my heavenly father"

"I know that President ------- is our prophet today"

"I enjoy my association with the sisters of the relief society"

"I love the scriptures, even though I don't read them as much as I should"

"I say these things in the name of THY son Jesus Christ" (talking to congregation)

Another one I hated: "I know we're out of time, but I just have to share this one quick story with you..." And then the story goes ON and ON for another 10 minutes.

He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.

I know, with every fiber of my being, beyond the shadow of a doubt, as sure as I am standing before you today....

It's so wonderful to feel of all your spirits here today....

In the name of thy son Jesus Christ amen.

Oh, and who could forget: *sniff*, *wheeze*, *blow*, *snort*, *hack*, *slurp*, *boob*, *sigh*, *unbearably long pause*, "I'm sorry, I just feel the spirit so strong today"

Our ward had installed wireless microphones so the deacons could bring the microphones to the congretation instead of making them go up to the pulpit. Those early wireless microphones weren't very reliable, and on more than one occasion the receiver locked onto the local radio station, much to the amusement (and probably relief) of everyone.

When I was in the MTC, we actually did this once...

And I know that Prexident X is the true branch president of this branch, and that Elder Schreckengross is indeed his chosen first counsellor..."

"I have a personal testimony that the Spanish Book of Mormon was brought forth by the hand of the Church Translation department..."

"I know that My companion, Elder X, lives and guides this companionship here on earth today..."

This pissed off about half of the missionaries, but the other half were dying laughing. Another elder got up and said, "I just want you all to know that my mission was the best 2 weeks of my life... we thought he was getting sent home, but he was just trying to be funny."