Unbelievable

Posted by: Andee / Category: , ,


Well, it's happened. My family has finally come to the conclusion that my Mom and I are no longer important to them because we left the church.

My grandfather used to drink heavily. When my grandma was pregnant with my Mom he decided to quit drinking and start attending church regularly. He became a fanatic, and Grandma didn't have a choice in the matter. Everything was suddenly about the Mormon Church. The rules in the house changed immediately, and since she was "just a woman, the wife," she didn't have any say in the matter.

Grandma didn't care for the church. She thought the whole thing was pretty laughable (like I do) and only went to church when she had to.

Once, while cleaning the kitchen, she found a coffee pot she used for making coffee for her side of the family when they would visit. Grandpa saw her with this and became so angry that he pushed her down a flight of stairs (while still pregnant with my Mom). He was known to hit her, and control her in every way possible. If she didn't comply, she would be punished somehow. If she needed money for something, like tires for her car, she had to earn the money herself. He wouldn't pay for it. Grandma had many jobs over the years, and when my Mom was small she worked at a restaurant. At the time, people could smoke in the restaurant, and Grandpa (along with the rest of the closed-minded people in the community) judged her because of where she worked. The money she earned she needed. The money she earned payed for lunches for her kids at school. Grandpa wouldn't pay for that, either.

When my Mom was growing up, they had to attend church every Sunday. There was no question about it. My grandpa made sure that his daughters knew they were to grow up and know how to cook and clean. The boys didn't have to do any of this. Once, my Mom had borrowed the family car to go and see a friend, Grandpa caught up with her on the road and told her to come back home because there was dust on the piano. It was woman's work. Once, one of my uncles wanted to move but his wife didn't. Grandpa told him that he could do whatever he wanted because he was a priesthood holder, and the wife should shut up and do as she is told.

When my uncle was married in the temple, Grandma didn't have her recommend. Grandpa had his. Grandma stood outside those temple doors missing a huge event in her child's life, while Grandpa got to see everything. She cried the whole day. So much for those powers of discernment, right? So much for the priesthood leaders seeing that Grandpa was abusive and hurtful to his family with the help of the Holy Ghost. He got to feel important because he was "good enough" to go inside.

When my cousin passed away at the age of 12 he told my aunt that she had better change her life or she would never see her daughter again. Gee, thanks for that little tidbit of love there. How could you say that to a grieving mother? How could you? Who the hell was he to judge anyone? In his mind, he was the priesthood holding father, and he knew it all.

Grandma went through the temple, and told my Mom how weird it was. Mom was pretty into the church at times, and didn't put too much merit into Grandma's words at the time. Their family was sealed in the temple, and when Grandma was buried, she was buried in her temple clothes. I am not too sure she would have really wanted that, but thats just how it was.

A few days ago, someone close to our family passed away. Grandpa and other family members know about Mom and I questioning the church, and decided that we didn't need to know this person had passed away. My Mom practically grew up with this person, but that didn't seem to matter. My Mom had to miss the viewing as well as the funeral simply because she didn't know. Anyone could have called her or sent her a quick email. She received nothing.

Mom has asked Grandpa to call me many times. I know I could be the one to pick up the phone and call him, but I have always been the one to do that. I made the decision a couple months ago that if he wanted to have a relationship with me, he would have to put in some effort, too. He hasn't. Is this because I am not living up to his expectations? Is this because I am 29 years old, happily single, and exercising my mind and rights?

I can only imagine the pain my Mom is in right now. How hard it would have been for me to be treated this way from one of my parents... She is an amazing person. She is smart, thoughtful, and she has more heart in her pinkie finger than others do in their entire body. She would do anything for anyone. She is always there to help, no matter what. What did she do to deserve this kind of treatment? She questioned the church's authority. Pretty sad, don't you think?

I suppose Mom and I could take this as a sign that we are not important to them anymore. That we are not loved as much as the family members who regularly attend church, or just believe in it. I don't think that is the case. I believe that my Grandfather has issues with control, and when he loses control he can't handle it. I do think that he loves my Mom and I very much, but he doesn't know how to get over the issues of us leaving the church.

I just don't understand how the love of a church can overtake the love of your own wife, children, and grandchildren. He won't even call us when someone passes away?

I can't get over how angry I am right now... and how fast my anger turns to sadness and hurt. How could they hurt my Mom like this? How could they? And they still consider themselves good people? Good Mormons? It's too hypocritical for words. It's their loss, it really is. They have no idea how blessed they are to have her.

It's not completely the church's fault, and I am not claiming it is. This is who Grandpa is, it's his personality and how HE was raised... but, he was also conditioned to do these things from the church. He was taught of the priesthood in the church.

Many Mormons I know would never be this hurtful to their families. This isn't a characteristic of all Mormons. This is a characteristic of a controlling personality put together with Mormonism... it can get out of control.

I am done. I am not going to keep putting myself out there and be rejected over and over again.

As my Mom as said many times, I love him, but I certainly don't respect him. I couldn't agree with her more.


10 comments:

  1. Unknown Says:
    June 4, 2008 at 3:43 PM

    It is so frustrating that people can be so high and mighty thinking they are living a christ like life when all they are really doing is showing how arrogant and hateful a human can be. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you and your mom have each other through this.

    I've noticed that when a family member leaves the church the rest of the family is so utterly baffled, they forget that you are still the same person with feelings and opinions. They tend to think "Oh they don't care anymore about this or that person" because they assume if you did care you would never leave the church and give up your blessings of sealing.

    I really think they just cannot wrap their head around a person leaving so they take it as a personal insult, like you are saying they are unintelligent becaue you are saying it is untrue. They pitty us while we pitty them.

    You have every reason and right to feel angry and hurt. I'm so sorry people can be so judgmental. You are an amazing person and your mother sounds like she is amazing as well, don't let these people make you feel like less than that!!!

  1. Andee Says:
    June 4, 2008 at 4:43 PM

    Thank you for the comment Demand More. It's really hard to deal with stuff like this. When I was a kid, I didn't know the horrible stuff he did to his family, now that I do know, I can't say that I like him very much.

    He will always be my grandpa, and I will always hold onto the good memories I have with him, but some things are not black and white. Sometimes I have to draw a line to protect myself.

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 4, 2008 at 10:14 PM

    Ludicrous Syd...thats all I can say. If someone is truly living the Gospel of Jesus Christ, then they should be accepting of all people. This isn't a result of the doctrine of the church, just stubbornness...unfortunately people will be people in any shapes or forms of life...

  1. Andee Says:
    June 5, 2008 at 10:37 AM

    Nicko,

    I agree. If someone truly believes in God and Jesus, he/she wouldn't act this way.

    However, the church's doctrine assisted him in his own mind with power. He assumes he has the power of the priesthood and that he is better than women.

    I did mention in the article that it wasn't the church's complete fault and it's who he was as a person... not to mention how HE was raised.

    The church certainly didn't help matters, did it?

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 5, 2008 at 5:30 PM

    Sydney,

    With all due respect that's bull. If he believes he is better than women because of his priesthood, then he is not understanding his role very well at all...and neither are you.

    I've never ever ever read anything apart from what the apostle Paul wrote in the NT anything that suggests women are lower than men...if anything they should be exhalted above men quite literally.

    You may have experiences which teach you other wise but as far as doctrine goes, you and I both know that the prophets and apostles of contemporary times have always stated that the minute a man begins to exercise authority or dominion over women/children and other men unrighteously, then he loses that priesthood.

    I've never heard Hinckley/Monson ever suggest in a General Priesthood meeting that we are anything but servants for women....

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 5, 2008 at 5:34 PM

    Actually I think this goes to the heart of the D&C quote that 'with sad experience we have found that as soon as men gather a little authority, they begin to exercise it unrighteously' (paraphrased). Perhaps this is more of an example of the frailty of men, rather than the controlling and exhalting nature of the doctrine. I seem to recall a conversation I had with a friend of mine who had a very controlling father because of his military background...not his religious.

    Its not just a problem within the church, but worldwide....men are idiots (to quote your bishop) and do very stupid things....and I might add are very prideful. In my volunteer work, I hear some disgusting stories of men out of control, controlling their wives and children's lives. Why? They certainly aren't religious, just men being men.

    That sounds very stigmatised, I know, but sometimes I can really not be surprised about the manner in which my gender acts...its just ingrained into us at times.

    (Note I just wish to add that I'm nothing of this sort....I hope! :))

  1. Andee Says:
    June 5, 2008 at 7:08 PM

    Nicko,

    I don't believe that anyone has authority over anyone else in the spiritual sense. Mormons believe that priesthood holders, bishops, stake presidents, mission presidents, apostles and of course the prophet have authority. With authority comes power.

    Anyone subscribing to this way of thinking is going to have problems with someone taking advantage of that so-called authority. It happens all the time all over the world in all kinds of religions.

    You have to admit that if a man is this controlling and power hungry and then hears that a certain kind of religion would give him power and control, it would make him join... right?

    I doubt you are anything like my grandfather(s). You don't seem it.

  1. Andee Says:
    June 5, 2008 at 7:12 PM

    When you said, "With all due respect that's bull. If he believes he is better than women because of his priesthood, then he is not understanding his role very well at all...and neither are you" I am slightly offended.

    My grandfather(s) might have taken this priesthood role, head of the household thing waaaaay too far, and I certainly dont feel they knew what it was like to be men of honor, but I have done my research and come to my conclusions.

    Just because we don't agree on things doesn't mean I am full of "bull." Does it? I would like to remind you that I don't say those things to you.

    You might think that God would give men a certain kind of priesthood but not women, but I call "bull" on that.

    The. End.

  1. Nicko Says:
    June 5, 2008 at 8:41 PM

    Sydney I never ever commented that you are full of bull at all. If anything I've always told you that you are obviously an intelligent rational being who is obviously disaffected with what she has found out against the church. Nor have I jumped like my other collegues to the opinion that you are somehow apostate because of your willingness to sin. Give me some credit.

    What I said is that your comment was bull because it doesn't stand for what the doctrine says. However, what you've followed up with is more than complimentary to what you originally stated. The wonders of modern technology is that you can't always express everything and sometimes you read just the surface. I confess to doing just this now. So again, I apologise.

    I do agree with you that the institution of the church allows for men to 'take advantage' of certain priesthood responsibilities. However, that is indicative of alot of institutions across the globe, not just religious. Like I said, men happen to be quite ridiculous at times.

    In partnerships its the worst though. Men, because of obvious physical advantages, tend to overpower their partners (at times) and rule with the iron fist...and sometimes lamentably with the physical fist.

    So I agree with you that the Church organisation can allow for this, but inherently Men sometimes adopt this position as part of the biological and social differences we have as humans.

    I thankyou for not thinking I'm like your family member at all...But at least acknowledge that the Church has preached quite starkly at times (and I know you argue implicitly it doesn't) that Men should never EVER exercise authority over their female counterparts.

    Men who do so....will be punished accordingly...

  1. Andee Says:
    June 5, 2008 at 9:32 PM

    Nicko, you stated that something I said was "bull." It wasn't.

    As for the church not preaching that men shouldn't exercise authority over their female counterparts I will have to disagree again. While this has changed in the more politically correct times we live in, the church DID preach that men were to be the head of the household and make decisions. They preached polygamy for crying out loud!

    There have been statements made by past prophets and apostles in General conference about women being their husbands greatest possessions. Possessions? How can you hear that and believe that they never preached men to be the authority over women.

    "By the authority of the priesthood" is spoken almost every Sunday in church. Do women have the priesthood? No! Men have authority to make decisions in the church and women don't. Men exercise authority over women every single day in the church!!!

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