Choosing The Right Spouse

Posted by: Andee / Category: , ,


Here ya go my friends... yet another article will comments from none other than yours truly. This article titled, Choosing and Being the Right Spouse, was printed in September of 2002, and it starts on page 62...

Choosing and Being the Right Spouse By Thomas B. Holman President Gordon B. Hinkley has counseled that marriage "will be the most important decision of your life... Marry the right person in the right place at the right time." But who is the right person? Where is the right place? When is the right time?


Marriage is the most important decision in our lives? How about kids? How about careers? To me, marriage is just one piece of the puzzle... a very unimportant piece compared to being happy and healthy.

The right person at the right place at the right time? No pressure.

Fortunately, President Hinkley and other church leaders have given us inspired counsel concerning these questions. Moreover, some 60 years of research confirms the wisdom of their council. The right place, of course, is the temple. "There is no substitute for marrying in the temple," counsels President Hinkley. "It is the only place under the heavens where marriage can be solemnized for eternity. Don't cheat yourself. Don't cheat your companion. Don't shortchange your lives."

Ahh, the temple. Shocking, huh? I would love to point out that the words "Don't cheat yourself, your companion, or your lives," is a scare tactic. Millions upon millions upon millions of people lead normal healthy lives without marrying in a temple. Are their lives horrible or corrupt because they didn't take the plunge in some ivory tower? No! This is the kind of thing that was read to me as a teenager. It was old, even then.

But how to find the right person?

Oh, don't worry. They have the answers to everything. I am sure they will tell us!!!

We sometimes are given false expectations by movies, plays, and fiction based on the idea that there is a "one and only" somewhere out there whom we are intended to marry. This would mean that finding a mate is simply a matter of waiting to lock eyes with the right someone "across a crowded room," as the song in South Pacific says, heading off hand in hand to the closest temple and then living happily ever after. No matter how romantic this idea is, it is not supported by prophetic counsel. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895-1985) taught: "'Soul Mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."


Thats right ladies! Forget about meeting the man of your dreams. Lose that thought right now. Any worthy priesthood holder is good enough for the likes of you!

The Right Person Many of us have the mote and beam problem (see Matt. 7:3-5)--that is, we can easily see the faults of others, but not our own. So before we start holding others up to scrutiny, to see if they are worthy of us, maybe we ought to work first on becoming a "right person" for someone else. Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles offered this counsel: "If the choice is between reforming other Church members [including fianc'es, spouses, and children] or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others--not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings." Therefore, when we focus on finding the right person, we should also focus on becoming the right person for someone else. The strengths we bring to a marriage will undoubtedly contribute to the success of the marriage.


Okay, so... we need to constantly remind ourselves that no matter what, we are not good enough. We need to remember that. We are bad, they are good. Anyone willing to take on trash like us has got to be sent from heaven, right? We shouldn't strive to find the one person we can't live life without, we should settle for someone who happens to want marriage and family too?

The first quality many young people look for in a potential spouse is someone with whom they can "fall in love," which often means someone for whom they feel a strong physical attraction. Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915-1985) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist." But he went on to add, "It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make."

Maybe it's just me... but physical attraction is only a very small part of being in love. Being in love with someone is magic. It's unforgettable. It's knowing in your heart and mind, not to mention your soul, that you have a special bond with another human being. Physical things are only part of that...

Being "in love" and attracted to a person is a good start, but clearly not enough. President Gordon B. Hinkley and Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have suggested several other factors we should keep in mind.
"Choose a companion of your own faith. You are much more likely to be happy," said President Hinkley. "Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will compliment you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, you entire allegiance, you entire loyalty."
Elder Scott suggested several attributes of a potential spouse that will contribute to happiness in marriage: "a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principals of truth in the home."

Okay, so being "in love" with each other isn't very important, but a love of the Lord is. So... as long as I find a temple worthy man things should work out, right? Isn't that what they are getting at?

What about people who don't want kids? Where does this leave them? Do they not deserve to have happiness in their lives through a husband or wife? What the hell?

Some Factors to Consider

More than 60 years of research studies bear out the truth of these inspired recommendations by priesthood leaders. So do my personal experience and observation through the years of teaching university classes about good marriage relationships. Research suggests several areas that we need to look at in choosing a spouse if we want to have the greatest chance of success in marriage. These are the individual attributes and deeply held values of the person, the quality of the relationship we are able to build that with that person, the person's background, and the other things in our own lives that affect our decisions. Lets consider each of these.

Forget about feeling "in love" with someone you might marry. Focus on stuff like this instead...

First, we need to know a lot about the person we are thinking of marrying. As Elder Scott suggested, the person's beliefs about family life are very important. Research confirms that the more a potential spouse values marriage and family life, the better that marriage can be. Studies show also that the person President Hinkley advises seeking--someone to honor, respect, and give our whole heart to, someone who inspires love, allegiance, and loyalty--will usually have good mental and emotional health, including maturity, self-control, and a healthy sense of self-respect.

Yeah, knowing about the person you are thinking of marrying is a good thing. You should definitely do that. Talk a little first. As long as you are both good people, and you want a good family life, things should be good. No worries, take the eternal plunge.

There will be more tomorrow. This one is looooong, and it's pretty good. I don't want to miss anything. I have to make as many smart-ass comments as possible or I will feel as if I let myself down.

Remember ladies... marrying a good man in the temple is more important than feeling bonded to that man... feeling "in love" isn't something you need. It's silly and make believe.

Andee


2 comments:

  1. Demand More Says:

    I have never been so happy about NOT listening to the church as I am right now.

    I love coming back from camping and getting to read so many posts! woo hoo! I love the Ensign tidbits.

  1. James Says:


    Marriage is the most important decision in our lives? How about kids? How about careers? To me, marriage is just one piece of the puzzle...


    Who one marries is so important because that will have he largest impact on other things such as kids, career, ect.


    a very unimportant piece compared to being happy and healthy.


    Okay, how is that done?


    Millions upon millions upon millions of people lead normal healthy lives without marrying in a temple.


    Yup


    Are their lives horrible or corrupt because they didn't take the plunge in some ivory tower?


    Nope, but there is a possibility of extra blessings for marrying in the temple. One being married for eternity.


    Thats right ladies! Forget about meeting the man of your dreams. Lose that thought right now. Any worthy priesthood holder is good enough for the likes of you!


    Why do you think that the council given was director only to girls?


    Okay, so... we need to constantly remind ourselves that no matter what, we are not good enough. We need to remember that. We are bad, they are good. Anyone willing to take on trash like us has got to be sent from heaven, right?


    Not exactly. Nowhere in the text you quoted did it say we should tear ourselves down. All it said is that we should try to improve ourselves. We really cannot control the actions of other people, we can only control our own.


    We shouldn't strive to find the one person we can't live life without, we should settle for someone who happens to want marriage and family too?


    It's funny how quickly you forget the first part of the article. Remember? The part where it said marriage "will be the most important decision of your life". Notice how it says decision, not action.


    Maybe it's just me... but physical attraction is only a very small part of being in love. Being in love with someone is magic. It's unforgettable. It's knowing in your heart and mind, not to mention your soul, that you have a special bond with another human being. Physical things are only part of that...


    Physical attraction is really only the beginning. I think what you described is a form of love but I think that it can go even deeper than that. Where one would give up what they want in order to make their spouse happy.

    I like your quote though, I might have to use it some time when discussing homosexual marriage with you some time.


    Okay, so being "in love" with each other isn't very important, but a love of the Lord is.


    They are both important.


    So... as long as I find a temple worthy man things should work out, right? Isn't that what they are getting at?


    Are we reading the same article? Where are you pulling this stuff from?


    What about people who don't want kids? Where does this leave them? Do they not deserve to have happiness in their lives through a husband or wife? What the hell?


    Well, where does it say in the article that couples need to have kids? I think that couples that do will be happier as a direct result from having kids.


    Remember ladies... marrying a good man in the temple is more important than feeling bonded to that man... feeling "in love" isn't something you need. It's silly and make believe.


    Where does it say that? They both are important.

    Did you actually read this article or did you just find keywords and then write something against it on that keyword? You seem to add so much in that was not even in the article. It's pretty obvious that you lack a lot of knowledge about what the LDS church really is. Not only in this post but it shows in many of your posts. Yes you were a member for a short time but you lack so much understanding. You seem to think that your naive views that you held of the church while you were a member are universal to all members.