Windy Sydney

To My Mormon Friends:

WindySydney began as a way for me to document the things I was learning about the church I was raised in. It was a diary of sorts, with a way to share my thoughts and feelings about what I was taught compared to the factual historical truth.

Over the many months that this website has been up, I have been told that I was trying to tear the church down and make people want to leave. I have been threatened and called names, and people have even told me via email that I was being led away by Satan himself. I even had to contact the FBI when an over-zealous believing Mormon threatened my life.

I want to make it clear that I do not believe Mormon people are bad, stupid, insane, crazy or any other negative adjective you could throw in there. Most of the problems that I have with Mormonism have absolutely nothing to do with it's believing members. My problems lie within the leadership of the church. I believe things have been handled in a dishonest way, and there is no excuse for some of the things that I, and others, have learned. These are things that matter to us, and we are taking a stand.

Simply put, I believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints isn't being honest with it's own members as well as investigators.

Let me give you a little background as to why I came to that conclusion...

I was born and raised in the church. Both sides of my extended family are believing members, and most of them have been believers their entire lives. My immediate family wasn't very active in the church, but my little brother and I would usually go to church by ourselves. We would catch rides with neighbors to church, and we would attend the entire 3 hour block by ourselves. When I was old enough to drive, my parents let me take the family car to church so we could attend.

Attending the local meetings was never anything I had to do. It was my decision. I wanted to go. I enjoyed the stories and the friends. I remember feeling the spirit that so many people talk about, but I now label that as simply a good feeling while being around my friends. I did the same things that you did. I played dots and tic tac toe in Sacrament Meeting trying to keep myself awake, and I remember being so hungry one Sacrament Meeting that I "accidentally" took two pieces of white wonder bread. I didn't have my parents there to plan ahead with baggies of cheerios and fruit loops, and that was okay. It was something that I felt was important.

My brother was ordained into the Priesthood, and he passed the Sacrament. I was even a secretary in the Young Women's group (although my memory doesn't serve me well here... I don't remember if I was a Laurel or not...).

We would sit through every fast and testimony meeting, listening to members cry over their testimonies and share fantastic stories about when the spirit saved them or comforted them in their time of need. We grew to love the people in the ward, and I believe they loved us as well.

When I was a teenager, I went to girls camp. I had an experience there that made me uncomfortable to say the least. I didn't like how the leaders at the camp played with the young girl's emotions to get them to comply and obey the priesthood leaders. It was the first time that I took a step back and looked long and hard at what was going on. I had never questioned anything before, ever. I just simply accepted that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God, and that the Mormon Church was the only true church on the planet. Hell, I had everyone in my life telling me the church was true, including my own school teachers.

I began to skip church every once in a while, and my little brother did as well. We were always pretty close, and I was fairly open with him when he asked me why I wanted to skip church on a certain day. He is the example of a person who doesn't judge others when they make decisions he doesn't agree with. He never made me feel bad, not once. He is good people.

Anyway, I eventually became the pet project of my Young Women's leader. She was one of those super-over-the-top Mormons. She lived, ate, and breathed the church. She would stop by my house before Wednesday night activities and ask me if I needed a ride, and I would politely tell her no, that I wasn't going. She would then stop by on the way home with treats that the girls had made like cookies and brownies. They would tell me how much they "missed" me. Thing is... they didn't need to miss me. They knew where I lived, I went to the same school, they never once talked to me in the halls. It was obvious that they were trying to get me back to church, period. It had a feeling of being extremely fake.

I did go to activities a couple times when my brother needed a ride. When I was there, the activities seemed to focus on what the Young Women should and shouldn't do with their lives. You should marry in the temple, you shouldn't marry a man unless he has served an honorable mission. You should have children and raise them in the church, you should devote your life to your family and put off any career goals that you might have.

I was often asked to share my testimony, especially when I was at camp. I was never one to open up and talk about what I believed and what I didn't believe (boy... that has certainly changed, hasn't it?). I thought it was somewhat offensive that they wouldn't take no for an answer, but they eventually had to.

I graduated from High School in 1997, in an extremely small town in Utah. My class had 17 kids in it, and I am still proud to say that I graduated with honors. I worked hard for that little gold sash! I loved learning, I loved reading, and most of all... I loved life.

Not long after graduation, my father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. When the doctors finally found out that the problem was cancer and not an over-active gland that they had first thought, they only gave him three days to live. It was harsh. None of us were expecting it, most of all my Dad. He was extremely healthy. He would go running or go to the gym on his lunch breaks from work. It pretty much turned my world upside down. It did the same to my Mom.

Unfortunately, my Dad passed away 4 months later after many surgeries and treatments. He was an amazing man, and I am lucky to have been a part of his life. My Mom started going back to church, she felt that she needed to get the family sealed together so that we could be together forever. She met with the local bishop, she started to obey the word of wisdom, and she attended church every single Sunday.

During this time I moved to Orlando, Florida to work in the hospitality industry. I was approached by missionaries many times, sometimes my Mom sent them to me. She was doing everything she could to prove that she was worthy to be with my Dad again. She wanted us all together... I get that. I don't fault her for it. Most of the time I politely told the Sister Missionaries that I wasn't interested in the church at this time in my life. They understood, and left. They usually stopped by every few weeks, which drove my roommates bonkers. None of them were raised Mormon... as a matter of fact, none of them had ever even met a Mormon in their life before me.

The frequent trips started many conversations about Mormonism with my peers. They had the obvious questions about polygamy and temples. I wasn't an active member, but I was always the first to defend the religion. I made sure that everyone knew that polygamy was simply in the past, and that the temple ceremonies were simply too sacred to talk about. Those answers are pretty much word for word what was told to me when I asked them. I hear those answers on this blog daily.

Now... the moment of truth.

It seems pretty silly that a South Park cartoon shook me as much as it did... but it's the truth. I watched the cartoon version of Joseph Smith put a seer stone into a top hat, shield out the light, and translate the plates to his scribe. I watched that cartoon with my roommates, and I couldn't believe how the writers of the show got things so horribly wrong! Joseph Smith used the urim and thummim to translate! Not a stone in a hat! I was upset and offended. I made sure everyone in the room knew that it didn't happen that way.

I was wrong. It did happen that way.

It wasn't until I moved back to Utah, a year ago, that I took the time to research what exactly happened when Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon. I couldn't believe that what I was taught as a child was so drastically different from the historical truth. I was lied to. Why wasn't I taught the truth? Why were you not taught the truth?

I contacted my Mom about the many questions that I had about the church and it's history. She wasn't as active as she was when my Dad passed away, but she was certainly still a believer. I told her what I had learned about the seer stone, and she had no idea what I was talking about. She had never learned that story in her entire life... and we are talking about a woman who was raised strictly in the church for 56 years! We made a promise to each other that we would both read scriptures, as well as research credible historical truths about the church's history.

We both quickly came to the conclusion that there were many things being kept from the general membership that painted the church in a negative light. Among these things are:

• Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon with a Peep Stone in a hat.
• Joseph Smith hid polygamy from his wife, Emma, for a very long time.
• Joseph Smith married women who were already married to living men.
• Joseph Smith married 2 fourteen year old girls.
• The Book of Abraham was a complete fraud.
• The Church openly kept those with dark skin from holding the Priesthood because the church believed they were cursed by God.
• Issues with Blood Atonement.
• Anyone who openly discussed problems with doctrine was excommunicated.
• Gordon B. Hinkley went on national television telling people that we didn't teach that men became Gods. Why? We definitely teach that, at least... it was taught to me and others...

My Mom and I were in shock for a couple weeks. I never set out to hurt her, or to bring her out of the church. She made that decision before I did. She resigned a few months ago, while I am still technically a member of the church. We found that once we took a step back and looked at some of the doctrine we once believed in, it looked different. We didn't buy it anymore. We started asking questions like:

• Why couldn't women hold the priesthood?
• Why the need for temple names if God knows us and loves us so much?
• Why does a woman need a man to get to the celestial kingdom?
• How could an openly racist man be a prophet of God?
• Would God really want a church to spend 2 billion dollars on a shopping mall instead of feeding, clothing and giving medication to the poor?

There are many, many more questions... but you get the idea. Our whole belief system is shattered. We don't know what to believe anymore.

I respect that many people out there believe in Mormonism. Many of my family members have disowned me completely because I am open about my apostacy. I truly believe that everyone has the right to know the truth... the real truth... about the past.

• I believe investigators should know how the Book of Mormon was truly translated.
• I believe that women are not equal to men in the church. Women are always serving under a priesthood holder, and therefore not equal.
• I believe that the church makes the ideal temple marriage seem like a fairy tale that is never quite what you think it will be.
• I believe investigators should know about the past comments made by prophets of the Mormon church regarding African Americans and other races.
• I believe that no one should have to go through the pain I went through when I realized that I was lied to.
• I believe that we should never force others to live by our rules. This applies to the recent involvement in the proposition 8 amendment in California. The church should stay out of it. Limiting someone else's civil rights is hateful.
• I believe that talking about the temple ceremonies is something that should happen, because people are too afraid to stand up and say, "Oh, wow... what the hell was that?"
• I believe that kids are indoctrinated into the church early... especially when their parents pull them to the front of testimony meeting and whisper in their ears what they should say. It makes me sick to my stomach.
• I believe that humor is a good way to deal with things that are so serious. Lighten up. It won't kill ya. Promise.
• I believe that missionaries deserve more than 4 dollars per day for food AND personal hygiene while away from their homes.
• I believe that what we know and think of the past prophets isn't the truth, it's whitewashed information that is easy to believe.
• I believe that the term, "He is just a man," referring to a prophet of God making a major mistake doesn't fly. If you believe he is a prophet of God, he isn't just a man... is he?
• I believe that the money going into building temples around the world could be used to feed and clothe the poor. Save lives. Help people. Who needs the finest of marble in the temple? Does God really care about that? I wouldn't think so.
  

You don't have to believe me. You don't have to agree with anything I say. I just want you to know that this is simply how I feel, and I have every right to feel this way. My feelings are valid, and I will continue to share them on the blog. There are people out there just like me who need someone to talk to, they need a friend. I will be there for them.

The amount of hate mail I receive daily is a constant reminder of how much of a hold the church has on it's members. I don't agree with the church, and I never will. I am not going anywhere. Sending me horrible notes about how my Heavenly Father is disappointed in me, and that I will burn in hell shows more about your character than mine. It really does.

I am not a bad person. I am not an evil person. I don't sleep around with random men in exchange for drug money. The main reason I am here talking about this stuff is because my morals won't let me let this go. I have to stand up and make a difference.

I respect your beliefs, but I don't agree with them. I ask the same of you.

Andee