My Testimony

Posted by: Andee / Category: , ,

I couldn't help myself. This is pure sarcasm... okay, not PURE sarcasm, but you get the idea. Most of the things in this testimony really happened... not to me, but others. If you want to hear more funny stories or see the source for some of the chuckles, click here.

My Brothers and Sisters,

I would be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to share what is in my heart this beautiful August morning. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, and the spirit is is warm in my heart and soul. I would truly be ungrateful if I didn't share the blessings I have received since learning, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a heaping, steaming pile of horse-shit.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry...

*sniffle*

My heart is full, my emotions pure.

See? God Loves Me!

I truly am a child of God, a Sunbeam, a Mia Maid, a Laurel... whatever the hell that means. I worked so hard to earn that pretty necklace with my young women friends, once I received it I knew that God accepted me. What better gift than jewelry? I am a girl, therefore I should like jewelry, right?

I wore it proudly to school, church, to remind myself that I was obedient enough to be worthy of His love. I attended girls camp, mutual, made cookies and fudge for the young men while they played basketball in the cultural hall. I listened attentively as my leaders taught me what I should and shouldn't want for my life. Screw true love, instead, focus on any worthy, temple-recommend holding return missionary. Any faithful man and woman can make it work. I testify that these leaders were brainwashed, stupid, morons, and wrong.

One day, while playing basketball, I noticed the chain of my necklace had broken and the pendent was missing. I knew it was my fault, I shouldn't have been playing sports... I should have been sewing or in the kitchen making homemade donuts. I immediately dropped to my knees for help in locating the prized piece of jewelry, as well as asking for forgiveness for any sins I had made to cause me to lose my precious jewels that I had worked so hard to earn, that represented God's love for me...

This was a test, a trial, a way for me to show how much I loved my religion and my leaders. I ran home in tears, knowing that God was angry with me for participating in a boy's activity.

Brothers and sisters, it was at this moment that I realized I didn't need that necklace, or any CTR ring to be loved by God. I didn't have to belong to a church that asked things of me that I found horrible and repulsive, like donating time and money to a cause that limits basic human rights instead of loving and treating each other like equals.

I have studied my scriptures, prayed to the Lord, and felt the witness that Joseph Smith was a con artist that claimed he was visited by God the Father, Jesus, and angels. Joseph Smith married two fourteen year old girls, and hid many of his polygamous marriages from his wife, Emma. I knew in my soul that God would never ask this of anyone. God wouldn't command someone to lie. It's so simple.

I stand before you as a changed person. I now know the truth about God's love, and his message for us... President Monson isn't a guide, nor is the Book of Mormon. It is a thrill to leave this organization that does nothing but limit women, and ask us to trust our husbands instead of ourselves.

I would like to extend my gratitude to those who have shared their testimony before me...

Sister Hansen, thank you for your testimony a few moments ago. It's nice that you take the time to berate your children in public like this. I am sure little Stewie will stop playing with his little factory, and that little Susie will stop stealing money from your wallet. It's a good mother who will chastise her children with a microphone.

Brother Stevens, you are right to ask our youth to help in service to the community. I especially enjoyed the idea of creating a community garden. Let me repeat some of your words so that they might truly sink in with our youth here today... "Every young man should have a ho(e). They come in very handy and are most useful. We have several for free. Just come and get them!" Please young men, go and get your free hoe... use that hoe to help the community.

Little Braden? Don't worry, I don't think everyone heard your fart over the microphone.

Sister Larsen, the Lord hears your praise for giving you hands so that you can "touch your husband all over."

Brother Kingston, good luck in your search for a wife, the Lord will bless you because you are a good man. I am sorry all the women in your last ward were lesbians.

Little Kimberly

Little Kimberly, you are a young woman now... it seems like yesterday I was helping your mother change your diapers. I dig the black dye job on your hair, the black nail polish, the black lipstick!! Please tell me more about how you met a demon while playing with a lighter. Sounds interesting!

Sister White, The pioneers truly did pave the way for our happiness. It's thanks to them we have hospitals. You have how many kids now? 9? I am sure I would be thankful for epidurals, too!

Please let me take the opportunity to apologize if I have offended any of you. Relief Society can get a little boring... I can only talk about family prayer time for so long. Will the following people please forgive me?

Sister Marshall, you are not a whore, sorry I said that.

Brother Brandson, your children are not Satan's spawn. Well, okay... they are. But that isn't you I am talking about. It's your wife. She is evil... I testify to you that she is. I have prayed about it.

Sister Smith, I apologize for calling you names and wishing that you would fall head first into a pool filled with razor blades. I didn't mean it. I shouldn't have wished that on you. Instead I should have wished something for you thats a little nicer... like food poisoning.

Bishop Green, I love you very much... really... I am madly in love with you. Divorce that old hag and marry me. She We would have beautiful babies together.

*wink*

Brothers and sisters, I testify to the blessings we receive when we stop paying tithing... sorry... I just get so emotional when I think about it... *sniffle* I cannot put into words the warm and fuzzy feeling I felt as I paid for those expensive boots... I will thank God for them every day. What a blessing.

Friends, I pray that you will look and find the truth about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I pray that you will ask questions and demand answers that you deserve. I pray that you open your damn eyes and see these frauds for who they really are... but most of all, I pray that you are healthy and happy no matter what.

I am thankful for learning the truth, for my family, for my life, and most of all, I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to share my testimony with you today. I love you all, even though many of you believe I will burn in Hell. See you there.

Yes, brothers and sisters, God will come one day... and She ain't happy.

Re-reading the Book of Mormon won't turn wrong into right. It won't turn obvious lies into truth. It won't change history. Take these words with you. Remember them in your darkest times. There is life out there... go out and get it.

Ramen.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Ramen.


5 comments:

  1. Demand More Says:

    Hahaha! Rock On! That just made my day!

  1. Andee Says:

    Glad ya liked it. I had fun with that one.

  1. Slingnmom Says:

    ROFLMAO!

    I love that FSM sign the girl is holding!

    What a great post! I love it! :D

  1. [kɹeɪ̯g̊] Says:

    Ramen.

  1. Andee Says:

    Thanks for the comments my friends, glad you liked it. :D